Not What I Had In Mind When I Started Taking Bass Lessons

chnlisle said:

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I've always thought it was very confusing that one word, "bass", is used for such very different things. Those just learning English must wonder why fish are being sold under the Musical Instruments section of craigslist, like this one:
Boss CEB-3 Bass Chorus
A group of singing fish?

English is a very odd language...

Isn't that how you play the bass-it makes sense to me, but i never go to church anyway !

smoke

My New axe

Oooooh. Nice toy!

Does it hold a sharp edge and deliver clean cuts?

ntsqd said:

Does it hold a sharp edge and deliver clean cuts?

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Just like a straight razor.

Remind me to put my favorite bass player joke in the joke thread.....

As a rehabilitated viola player I'll look forward to a bass player joke...

A man goes on a vacation to a tropical island. As soon as the plane lands, he gets off and hears drumming. At first, he thinks, “This is pretty cool”. He ends up going to a luau and hears the drumming. He eats lunch and hears the drums. He goes to the beach and hears the drums. He tries to sleep, but can’t because of the constant drumming.

The drumming goes on for four days. The guy has to go down to the front desk because he can’t sleep. He asks the manager “What is the deal with these drums! Make them stop. I haven’t got any sleep this whole week!”

The manager of the hotel says “No. Drums don’t stop. You don’t want the drums to stop, sir.”

chnlisle said:

A man goes on a vacation to a tropical island. As soon as the plane lands, he gets off and hears drumming. At first, he thinks, “This is pretty cool”. He ends up going to a luau and hears the drumming. He eats lunch and hears the drums. He goes to the beach and hears the drums. He tries to sleep, but can’t because of the constant drumming.

The drumming goes on for four days. The guy has to go down to the front desk because he can’t sleep. He asks the manager “What is the deal with these drums! Make them stop. I haven’t got any sleep this whole week!”

The manager of the hotel says “No. Drums don’t stop. You don’t want the drums to stop, sir.”

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And, the reason is that the Bass solo comes right after the drums stop.

chnlisle said:

A man goes on a vacation to a tropical island. As soon as the plane lands, he gets off and hears drumming. At first, he thinks, “This is pretty cool”. He ends up going to a luau and hears the drumming. He eats lunch and hears the drums. He goes to the beach and hears the drums. He tries to sleep, but can’t because of the constant drumming.

The drumming goes on for four days. The guy has to go down to the front desk because he can’t sleep. He asks the manager “What is the deal with these drums! Make them stop. I haven’t got any sleep this whole week!”

The manager of the hotel says “No. Drums don’t stop. You don’t want the drums to stop, sir.”

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Alley-Kat said:

And, the reason is that the Bass solo comes right after the drums stop.

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OHHH... now I get it.

Tah Dah .................

A tour manager comes across the guitarist and bass player fighting at the side of the stage and pulls them apart asking what the problem was. "That bastard detuned one of the strings on my bass", says the bass player, "And we're on stage in five minutes." "So what's the problem?"

"He won't tell me which string."

chnlisle said:

A tour manager comes across the guitarist and bass player fighting at the side of the stage and pulls them apart asking what the problem was. "That bastard detuned one of the strings on my bass", says the bass player, "And we're on stage in five minutes." "So what's the problem?"

"He won't tell me which string."

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Now that one is good.

I'm beginning to feel a kinship with banjo players......... I'm going to hell for sure!

What's the difference between a bass and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a bass.

How do you reduce wind-drag on a bassist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

What do you call a bass player with a job?
The pizza delivery boy.

What do you throw a drowning bass player?
His Amp.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The keyboard player does it with his left hand.

What are the three most difficult years in a bass player's life?
Second grade.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A Bass Player.

Why don't bass players tell blonde jokes?
They don't understand them.

What do you call a beautiful woman on a bassist's arm?
A tattoo.

What do a bass and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

What's the difference between a bassist & a large Pizza??
The pizza can feed a family of 4.

How many bassists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they're all too poor to afford the replacement.

The worlds greatest Jazz bassist and the worlds greatest Blues bassist meet for lunch. Who pays the tab?
Neither, they don't charge for the food at the soup kitchen.

Bandleader, to auditioning bass player: Tell me about your best gig.
Bass player: They clapped so hard, they almost broke their handcuffs.

What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a bassist?
The Vacuum cleaner has to be plugged in to suck.

How many bassists does it take to pave a driveway?
Seven, but you have to slice them thin and lay them out correctly.

What does a bass player use as a contraceptive?
His personality!

What do you call the bass players girl friend?
The guitar player’s wife!

How can you tell when the stage is perfectly level?
Drool comes out both sides of the bass player's mouth.

Why can’t bassists tell jokes?
Timing.

Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?
It took him four hours to get the bass player out

What do you call a bass player in a 3-piece suit?
The Defendant.

What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

What's the difference between a mutual fund and a bass player?
The mutual fund will eventually mature and earn money.

A little boy sees a live band, and is mesmerized by the feeling of the lows coming from the bass player. It's all he talks about for days. He tells his parents "I want to grow up and become a bass player!!!!" His father says "Son, you'll have to make a choice, you can't do both."

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All from my brother-in-law, the bass player.

Well now I do believe this ship has left the dock.
Thx Kat

Mr. Alley, the last one is my favorite!

ski3pin said:

Remind me to put my favorite bass player joke in the joke thread.....

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Two young women are starting their careers doing secretarial work for firms in the downtown section of a small town. They enjoy meeting for lunch and taking a short walk around the pond in the central park. One day as they are walking a voice says, "And how are you two lovely ladies today?" They can see no one as they look for the source of the voice. Finally one of the young women sees a frog in the pond. "Yes it was me speaking," says the frog. The young women are in shock. The frog continues, "I was a bass player and was turned into a frog by an evil witch. If one of you will kiss me, I will turn back into my former self and I can move in with you. I can play music with some guys down at Round Table Pizza and probably get a free pizza or two a week for that and we can live happily ever after!" One of the young women quickly snatches up the frog and puts it in her purse. "Aren't you going to kiss him?" the other woman cries out. "No," the first woman says, "He's worth a lot more as a talking frog."