montana-moods
Advanced Member
Your right and I am certainly not shy about cheap jokes.ski3pin said:Yeah, but you knew it was coming and it still made us smile.
I need to hear a good new joke
- Thread starter ski3pin
- Start date
montana-moods
Advanced Member
Like this old one.
News flash A dwarf psychic just escaped from a high security prison in the Sacramento area.
So be on the lookout for a small medium at large.
News flash A dwarf psychic just escaped from a high security prison in the Sacramento area.
So be on the lookout for a small medium at large.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him what?
A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him what?
A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
montana-moods
Advanced Member
Good groaner Sage.Wandering Sagebrush said:
chnlisle
Post Master
This may not make the cut.
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door. She proclaimed, “I want to join your biker club.” The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asked her, “You have a bike?” The little old lady said, “Yea, that’s my Harley over there,” and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asked her, “Do you smoke?” The little old lady said “Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I’m shooting pool.” The biker is impressed and asked, “Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?” The little old lady said, “No, I’ve never been picked up by the fuzz, but I’ve been swung around by my nipples a few times.”
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door. She proclaimed, “I want to join your biker club.” The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asked her, “You have a bike?” The little old lady said, “Yea, that’s my Harley over there,” and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asked her, “Do you smoke?” The little old lady said “Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I’m shooting pool.” The biker is impressed and asked, “Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?” The little old lady said, “No, I’ve never been picked up by the fuzz, but I’ve been swung around by my nipples a few times.”
4llamas
Senior Member
Dirty jokes appear to be fine, just don't call anyone out for spamming.
And back to the groaners...
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this." And he produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. It's bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager; and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and reports: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you, and he wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this." And he produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. It's bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager; and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and reports: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you, and he wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
billharr
Senior Member
The TOMATO GARDEN
An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey .
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden,
but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like
I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like
the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning,
FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey .
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden,
but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like
I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like
the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning,
FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
OP
OP
[SIZE=16.5pt]MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS[/SIZE]
[SIZE=16.5pt]1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=16.5pt]1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.[/SIZE]
And you realize that Murphy is an optimist... (Parsons' Postulate)
montana-moods
Advanced Member
Nice ski 3pin
I'd add
If at first you don't succeed than sky diving is not for you.
I'd add
If at first you don't succeed than sky diving is not for you.
OP
OP
bingo!montana-moods said:
chnlisle
Post Master
I may be repeating this oldie but it' still funny.
Woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm.
Bartender says, "Hey, where'd you get the pig?"
Woman says, "It's not a pig! It's a duck!"
Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck!"
Woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm.
Bartender says, "Hey, where'd you get the pig?"
Woman says, "It's not a pig! It's a duck!"
Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck!"
billharr
Senior Member
At an Irish wedding reception someone yelled - - -
"Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The Bartender was almost crushed to death.
"Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The Bartender was almost crushed to death.
We need more jokes. It's been to ,long between them.
Frank
Frank
chnlisle
Post Master
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night."
"What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night."
Manfred65
Senior Member
I try to translate from german to my terrible english:
The teacher Starter checking the kids intelligente:
"Joey. There are 2 birds Sitzung on the fence. I shoot at them twice. How many are dead?"
"One of them!"
"Joey! Two birds, two shots! How many are dead?"
"One!"
"Tell me why?!"
"After the first shot the second bird will fly away!"
"Joey, thats phantastic. I like the way you are thinking!"
Joey: "May i ask you?"
"Ask me..." she said.
"There are 3 ladies, having icecream! The first licks the ice, the second one bite the ice and the third one sucks it. Which one is married?"
After a few seconds her face got slightly red and she said:
"I think the sucking one is married!"
Joey smiled:
"No, the one with the wedding ring is married! But i like the way you are thinking!"
The teacher Starter checking the kids intelligente:
"Joey. There are 2 birds Sitzung on the fence. I shoot at them twice. How many are dead?"
"One of them!"
"Joey! Two birds, two shots! How many are dead?"
"One!"
"Tell me why?!"
"After the first shot the second bird will fly away!"
"Joey, thats phantastic. I like the way you are thinking!"
Joey: "May i ask you?"
"Ask me..." she said.
"There are 3 ladies, having icecream! The first licks the ice, the second one bite the ice and the third one sucks it. Which one is married?"
After a few seconds her face got slightly red and she said:
"I think the sucking one is married!"
Joey smiled:
"No, the one with the wedding ring is married! But i like the way you are thinking!"
chnlisle
Post Master
Lets see if this makes the cut.
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow. "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman. "Why?" he asked, "What’s the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it’s nowhere near long enough. It’ll never reach!" "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together. As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" "Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow. "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman. "Why?" he asked, "What’s the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it’s nowhere near long enough. It’ll never reach!" "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together. As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" "Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."
Manfred65
Senior Member
A young lady is driving down the highway.
Her speed is a little more than the police accepts.
A car with two young guys is driving at her left side and every time she looked at the guys one of them showed her 4 fingers.
She was annoyed, so she showed them her straight middel finger!
She was stopped immediately and realised that the two men were policemen.
The one told her: " I showed you four fingers, which means: your actual speed will cost you 40 Dollars !"
The Lady answered in a second.
"...and i showed you one finger to let you know that i have only 10 Bucks with me!"
Her speed is a little more than the police accepts.
A car with two young guys is driving at her left side and every time she looked at the guys one of them showed her 4 fingers.
She was annoyed, so she showed them her straight middel finger!
She was stopped immediately and realised that the two men were policemen.
The one told her: " I showed you four fingers, which means: your actual speed will cost you 40 Dollars !"
The Lady answered in a second.
"...and i showed you one finger to let you know that i have only 10 Bucks with me!"
chnlisle
Post Master
A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer. A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from. When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on. The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts--they're complimentary
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