I need to hear a good new joke

chnlisle's joke reminded me of this one:>)

A reporter went in to a prison to to report on conditions there. He was standing in the chow hall, next to a guard. All the prisoners were silently eating their grub.
All of a sudden one of the prisoners shouted “24!”. All of the other prisoners started to laugh.
A minute later another prisoner shouted “77!”. Once again, the other prisoners laughed .
The reporter was a little puzzled by this, so he asked the guard about it.
The guard explained that it was against the rules to tell jokes in the chow hall. So, the prisoners assigned numbers to all the jokes they knew. When someone shouted a number, everyone would be reminded of the joke, and laugh.
The reporter thought that was pretty cool, so he decided to try it out for himself.
“37!”, he shouted... Silence. Blank stares.
“Some people just can’t tell a joke”, said the guard.

Another prisoner then shouted “89!”
The guard busted out in laughter. His eyes started to water, and he turned red from laughing so hard.
The reporter asked him what was so funny.
“I’ve never heard that one before!” said the guard .
 
[SIZE=11pt]A group of women were attending a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All of the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember. The women were told to take out their cell phones and text their husbands, "I love you, sweetheart." The women then exchanged their phones with another person. The women read aloud the text message the phone received in response.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=11pt]Some of the replies:[/SIZE]

[SIZE=11pt]"Who the hell is this?"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=11pt]"Hey, mother of my children, are you sick or what?"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=11pt]"Yes, and I love you too. What's up??" [/SIZE]
[SIZE=11pt] "Did you wreck the car again?"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=11pt]"I don't understand what you mean?"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=11pt]"What the @#$% did you do now?"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=11pt]"Don't beat around the bush, just tell me how much you need?"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=11pt]"Am I dreaming?" [/SIZE]
[SIZE=11pt] "If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=11pt]"I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=11pt]"Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?"[/SIZE]

[SIZE=11pt]We can speculate on the replies received during a similar exercise at a men's seminar.[/SIZE]
 
[SIZE=10pt]I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Off we went to our local bar, which was only a few blocks from the
house.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]I got him a Miller Genuine. He didn't like it, so I drank it.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Then I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey, I could hardly push the
stroller back home.[/SIZE]
 
SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

The room erupted in applause!

DON’T MESS AROUND WITH OLD FOLKS ;-)
 
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

One 75-year-old man says: "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."

An 80-year-old man says: "My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90-year-old man says: "Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

" I don't wake up until 10 AM."
 
[SIZE=13.5pt]There is always more than one way to tell a story.

A friend of mine, an amateur genealogy researcher, offered to work on my family tree. She discovered that my great-great uncle Bob was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Nevada in 1891. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]My friend turned up a photograph of my great-great uncle that shows him standing on the gallows. On the back is this inscription: "Horse thief, sent to Nevada State Prison in 1882, escaped 1885, robbed the Central Pacific six times. He was caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1891."
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]I shared this story with family believing it was an interesting glimpse back at our family and how we played a role in the history of the West.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]Some family members were dismayed I would even mention anything tying our family to criminal activity. I found this footnote about my great-great uncle Bob on one of my cousin's family history websites.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]"Bob was a famous cowboy in the Nevada. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the railroad. Beginning in 1882, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1885, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1891, Bob passed away during an important civic function held in his honor."[/SIZE]
 
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
 
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
 
ski3pin said:
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
Click to expand...
How true. Our grand kids do grow up so fast.
Frank
 
It's often heard, "You can't fix stupid," but how about removing all the warning labels and let the problem solve itself?
 
ski3pin said:
It's often heard, "You can't fix stupid," but how about removing all the warning labels and let the problem solve itself?
Click to expand...
Yep, can't beat Darwin! ;)
 
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," replied the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
 
ski3pin said:
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," replied the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Click to expand...
As someone with new "state of the art" hearing aids, this cracked me up. :LOL:
 
Reminds me, I need to find mine. I didn't think I needed one till I took a test for a job. Found out I did at least according to them. It really makes a difference hearing people in crowded conditions. I haven't seen it since I moved though.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

craig333
Summer weight sleeping bag with a good zipper
craig333
craig333
Wandering Sagebrush
A Visit With ATC
Wandering Sagebrush
Wandering Sagebrush
C
A shout out to Overland Solar!!
pvstoy
pvstoy
K
Bears Ears (made it home)
Marysmith.0901
M
N
Slide out bed - Need Help!
Taku
T

Latest posts

Back
Top Bottom