I need to hear a good new joke

A man goes into a library and asks if they have any books on Paranoia.
The librarian beckons him closer, looks left and right then whispers, "They're behind you."
 
fukitol.jpg
 
I'm having some cervical surgery Friday so this will be my last post for a week or so. As they say, "always leave 'em laughing."

Unexpected sex is a great way to wake up in the morning …. As long as you're not in prison.
 
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. One evening he died. He was 98. After the burial, the wife’s neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. I know the old fart won't ask for directions."
 





The Reunion​
Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion.

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
 
A guy was sitting alone in a restaurant, when he saw a beautiful woman at another table. He sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent back a note: “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants.”

He wrote back: “Send me back the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I’m not cutting off three inches for anyone.”
 
chnlisle said:
A guy was sitting alone in a restaurant, when he saw a beautiful woman at another table. He sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent back a note: “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants.”

He wrote back: “Send me back the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I’m not cutting off three inches for anyone.”
Click to expand...
Jay, that sounds like the line from "Deep Throat"
Frank
 
The wife and I had a fairly successful day of catching Dungeness crabs last week and were cruising our way back to the dock when the Coast Guard showed up for a safety check.
License, registration and insurance up to date, good.
Wearing our approved personal flotation devices, excellent
Extra flotation device on board, good.
Approved and fully charged fire extinguisher, good.
They didn't ask, but they must have seen the emergency paddles, fine.
How was crabbing? Pretty good, we got 12 heavy males, but the salmon weren't biting. Okay
Just one issue. Your noise maker has a rusty bottom and needs to be replaced.


Someone stop me...


I quietly told the officer I needed that in writing, we have been married 25 years and she isn't going to take it lightly.
HAHAHAhahahaha
What's so funny? Nothing dear.

A true story.
 
And since we've entered the realm of true stories, the Lady retold this true story to a friend last evening when the conversation wandered around to jury duty.

A long time and familiar teacher in the area, the Lady is always recognized and greeted. She reported to the court room as summoned for jury duty. A jury was being selected for a criminal trial and she was called up front for questioning. As she passed the prosecution and defense tables, honest to god, a happy voice sang out, "Hi Mrs. 3pin!" She turned and that's when she recognized the young male defendant as a past student and stopped and said, "Wow, I thought you would make it a lot further than here!"

The Lady was dismissed. I asked if the defense or prosecution made a motion to dismiss the entire jury pool. She answered, "I don't know. I was out of there."
 
ski3pin said:
And since we've entered the realm of true stories, the Lady retold this true story to a friend last evening when the conversation wandered around to jury duty.

A long time and familiar teacher in the area, the Lady is always recognized and greeted. She reported to the court room as summoned for jury duty. A jury was being selected for a criminal trial and she was called up front for questioning. As she passed the prosecution and defense tables, honest to god, a happy voice sang out, "Hi Mrs. 3pin!" She turned and that's when she recognized the young male defendant as a past student and stopped and said, "Wow, I thought you would make it a lot further than here!"

The Lady was dismissed. I asked if the defense or prosecution made a motion to dismiss the entire jury pool. She answered, "I don't know. I was out of there."
Click to expand...
Nice to have influence in high places.
Frank
 
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?", asked Johnny "Are you giving up?"
 
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day,
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men..."
The husband turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
 
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