I need to hear a good new joke

NAVY COOKS

The Admiral visited one of the ships under his command.
When eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the Chief Cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Cook replied, "Sure, Admiral; after each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.
Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
The Cook shrugged and replied, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."
 
[SIZE=10pt]Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest nearly fell down when he saw him.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]He'd never been to church in his life.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad[/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]The priest said, "WELL, MURPHY, I NOTICE THAT YA DIDN'T STEAL McGLYNN'S HAT. WHAT CHANGED YOUR MIND?"[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said,[/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]"After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?"[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."[/SIZE]
 
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada. I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming, too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year!!”
 





I was standing in a bar in Stockton yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I am Chinese"?







"No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick!"
twofinger.gif
​
 
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.





Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.





I got him a Guiness Stout. He didn't like it – so I drank it.





Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.





It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.





By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .




I could hardly push the stroller back home.
 
Ah, fishin' and whiskey...............................

Reminds me about when I was real little (this could tie in to the previous jokes) and my Dad took me fishing in a small row boat on a lake up in northern Wisconsin. I got to do the rowing and my Dad did the fishing. It was a cold morning so, of course, Dad needed "a little nip" quite often from his whiskey flask. He was feeling pretty good and when he put a new fresh minnow on his hook he gave it "a little nip" too. The fight was on as soon as the hook and minnow hit the water. Dad landed the biggest muskie he ever caught! The minnow had the muskie right by the throat. :)
 
NAUGHTY ONE LINERS:

"THERE ARE A NUMBER OF MECHANICAL DEVICES WHICH INCREASE SEXUAL
AROUSAL, PARTICULARLY IN WOMEN. CHIEF AMONG THESE IS THE MERCEDES-BENZ
380SL."
-LYNN LAVNER

"SEX AT AGE 90 IS LIKE TRYING TO SHOOT POOL WITH A
ROPE."
-CAMILLE PAGLIA

"MY MOTHER NEVER SAW THE IRONY IN CALLING ME A SON-OF-A-BITCH."
-JACK NICHOLSON

"WOMEN NEED A REASON TO HAVE SEX. MEN JUST NEED A PLACE"
-BILLY CRYSTAL

"ACCORDING TO A NEW SURVEY, WOMEN SAY THEY FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE
UNDRESSING IN FRONT OF MEN THAN THEY DO UNDRESSING IN FRONT OF OTHER
WOMEN.
THEY SAY THAT WOMEN ARE TOO JUDGMENTAL, WHERE, OF COURSE, MEN ARE JUST
GRATEFUL."
-ROBERT DE NIRO

"THERE'S VERY LITTLE ADVICE IN MEN'S MAGAZINES, BECAUSE MEN THINK, I KNOW
WHAT I'M DOING. JUST SHOW ME SOMEBODY NAKED!"
-JERRY SEINFELD

"ITS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I'VE HAD SEX, I'VE FORGOTTEN WHO TIES UP WHOM."
-JOAN RIVERS

"SEX IS ONE OF THE MOST WHOLESOME, BEAUTIFUL AND NATURAL EXPERIENCES
MONEY CAN BUY."
-STEVE MARTIN

"BIGAMY IS HAVING ONE WIFE TOO MANY. MONOGAMY IS THE SAME."
-OSCAR WILDE

"IT ISN'T PREMARITAL SEX IF YOU HAVE NO INTENTION OF GETTING MARRIED."
-GEORGE BURNS
 
A cowboy was pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, driving, and in general was throwing his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y 'all havin' some problem with circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yes, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of circle flies." "Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you calling me a horse's butt?" "No, sir," the cowboy replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's butt." "That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best western drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
 
Manfred65 said:
>>"MY MOTHER NEVER SAW THE IRONY IN CALLING ME A SON-OF-A-BITCH." <<

Is it possible that the mother has seen the situation correctly and Jack was wrong ?? :D
Click to expand...
Manfred, this might be a situation like Schrödinger's cat (dead and alive). They might both be correct.
 
Listening to the Prairie Home Companion annual joke show this afternoon made me think of one of our members.

So, Mr. 3Pin,

How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Four. One to screw it it, and three to complain about it being electric. :) :D

Dang, but I love a good groaner!
 
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