I need to hear a good new joke






Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"
 
Old lady Hibbard goes to the new young doctor in town for her annual check-up. They get to the end, and he says "Well, Mrs Hibbard, you seem to be doing well for a woman of your age. Any other problems you'd like to tell me about?"

"Well...there is one other small thing" she says. "For the past 6 months, I have constant flatulence, everywhere I go - home, church, the A&P, everywhere. I've actually had several since I came in here. Thankfully it has no sound or smell, or it would be terribly embarrassing, but it's uncomfortable. Can you help?"

"I'll see what we can do," says the doctor. "Take these pills and come back in a week."

Not 4 days later, she storms back into the office, past the receptionist, and into his office. "I don't know what they teach you young people in medical school, but you've made it worse! I still have constant flatulence, but now it's like a trumpet! I can't leave the house!"

"Excellent!" says the doctor. "Now that we've fixed your hearing, let's work on your sense of smell!"
 
I saw this bumper sticker on a vehicle in Bend today:

"i child-proofed my house...
but they're STILL getting in!"
 





A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up
from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer
and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up
and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair."







Dad thought for a moment and said "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
 
A young girl got her driving license and a few weeks later she asked her Dad:

"Daddy! Can i take the car to go to town ? I think i am old enough now!"

Her Father answered: " Yes you are! But not our car! "
 
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving
relationship with their husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then instructed to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Below are 12 replies; some are hilarious. If you have been married for quite a while....a sign of true love.... who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you?
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the heck did you do now?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?
 
Following (loosely) the above theme...

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m
and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked,
"Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
 
Following (loosely) the above theme..............

A farmer had been out drinking at the neighborhood tavern. He came home a bit inebriated; well, so much so that he missed the house completely and ended up in the barn by mistake where he crawled in next to his prize sow. In the middle of the night he rolled over and said. "You know Martha, I've been sleeping with you for going on thirty-five years and this is the first time I've noticed the double roll of buttons on your night gown."
 
There was this farmer that was really protective of his three daughters. In fact, he always met their boyfriends at the door with a shotgun. At 5:30 Friday night, there was a knock at the door. The farmer answered it with his gun.

The guy at the door said, "Hello, my name is Eddie, I'm here for Bettie, we're going for spaghetti. Is she ready?".
The farmer paused, then said "Ok, she's ready" .

Another half hour passed and there was another knock. The farmer answered it with his gun again. The guy at the door said" Hello, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show. She ready to go?".
The farmer paused again and said "yeah, she's ready".

A half hour later, there was another knock. The farmer went to the door with his shotgun. The guy at the door said "Hello, my name is Chuck..... " and the farmer shot him.
 
Reminds me of that song the name game,"Chuck Chuck bo buck banana fanna fo f...."





 
Man you guys just put me back at American Bandstand in Philadelphia.
With that Shirley Ellis song. And some of the others that popped up on that you tube link.
Thanks a bunch.

I have the original 45 of that song.

Rock n' Roll.
Frank
 
Dear Santa,

For this year I’m requesting, a fat bank account, and a skinny body.

Your friend,

Wandering Sagebrush

P.S. This year, please don’t mix them up, like you did last year!
 
Recent discovery - A literate dinosaur.

image.jpg
 





True Friendship Among Golfing Fishing Buddies -

This guy brings his best fishing mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after fishing. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.

"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."
 
I had a power outage at my house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad and my new surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat. To top it off, it was raining so I couldn't go for a walk, bike or run. The garage door opener needs electricity so I couldn't go anywhere in the car. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needed power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

(It's a joke:)
 

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