Times have changed...
"Yo mama's TV's so old it was made in Japan!"
"Yo mama's TV's so old it was made in Japan!"
I need to hear a good new joke
- Thread starter ski3pin
- Start date
billharr
Senior Member
Be careful! CAREFUL! -
A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in. Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.
"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"
The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"
The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.
"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"
The wife runs to the fri-
"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!"
At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.
She gasps, "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs."
The husband simply smiles and replies, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car," and leaves.
PaulT
Need gumbo
I hope your life insurance is paid up. Just saying. Some wives read this forum. 
Paul
Paul
Went to Iceland and saw the famous volcanic steam Geyser, and learned why a Geyser is different from a Geezer:
A Geyser can hold its water for at least 1o minutes !
A Geyser can hold its water for at least 1o minutes !
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers . Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers . Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
billharr
Senior Member
chnlisle
Post Master
Today in The Daily Tucsonan. Great news for Pima County residents.
chnlisle
Post Master
A bit of an over reaction?
billharr
Senior Member
The sharing of marriage...
The old man
placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one
half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles
and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He
took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people
around them were looking
over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is
one meal for the two of them.'
As
the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
said, they were just fine - they
were used to sharing everything
People
closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal
for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing
everything.'
Finally,
as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin,
the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat
a single bite of
food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered --
(Continue below )...
'THE TEETH.'
The old man
placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one
half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles
and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He
took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people
around them were looking
over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is
one meal for the two of them.'
As
the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
said, they were just fine - they
were used to sharing everything
People
closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal
for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing
everything.'
Finally,
as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin,
the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat
a single bite of
food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered --
(Continue below )...
'THE TEETH.'
OP
OP
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making thug steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he asks, menacingly, as tears welled in my eyes.
"Come on, man," the thug says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man tearing up."
"This has been the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen. I found my wife with another man . . and then my dog bit me."
"So . . . I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all."
"I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and I sit here watching the poison dissolve................"
"Then you show up and drink the whole thing!"
"But gosh,....... enough about me, how are you doing?"
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he asks, menacingly, as tears welled in my eyes.
"Come on, man," the thug says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man tearing up."
"This has been the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen. I found my wife with another man . . and then my dog bit me."
"So . . . I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all."
"I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and I sit here watching the poison dissolve................"
"Then you show up and drink the whole thing!"
"But gosh,....... enough about me, how are you doing?"
chnlisle
Post Master
I like that
Reminds me of a story from my early teen years:
When I was in 8th grade, I would walk about a mile to jr high school, picking up friends along the way. One of my friends parents were gone for a couple of days; it was only him and his older sister. He had overslept, and as he was dressing he asked us to make him a lunch (BIG MISTAKE). He had a new puppy that had made a mess, that was made into a sandwich, carefully sealed (for smell) and thrown into a bag with an apple.
We couldn't wait for lunch and when it arrived he came in all upset and announced:
Someone had stolen his lunch.
When I was in 8th grade, I would walk about a mile to jr high school, picking up friends along the way. One of my friends parents were gone for a couple of days; it was only him and his older sister. He had overslept, and as he was dressing he asked us to make him a lunch (BIG MISTAKE). He had a new puppy that had made a mess, that was made into a sandwich, carefully sealed (for smell) and thrown into a bag with an apple.
We couldn't wait for lunch and when it arrived he came in all upset and announced:
Someone had stolen his lunch.
You have to be a quick thinker to come up with a response to someone like that.
Frank
Frank
billharr
Senior Member
THE DEAD COW LECTURE
First-year students at the Purdue Veterinary School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor". "The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation.
..
I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
First-year students at the Purdue Veterinary School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor". "The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation.
..
I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
"life is hard,but hardest when you are dumb..." Austin Lounge Lizards.
Frank
Frank
chnlisle
Post Master
A man and his dog were walking along a road.
The man was enjoying the scenery,
When it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying and that the dog walking
Beside him had been dead for years.
He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone
Wall along one side of the road.
It looked like fine marble.
At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch That glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent Gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl and The street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.
He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got Closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out,
“Excuse me, where are we?”
“This is Heaven, sir,” the man answered.
”Wow! Would you happen to have some water?”
The man asked.
”Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have
Some ice water brought right up.”
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
“Can my friend,” gesturing toward his dog,
“come in, too?” the traveller asked.
”I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.”
The man thought a moment and then turned
Back toward the road and continued the way
He had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another
Long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a Farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed.
There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside,
Leaning against a tree and reading a book.
”Excuse me!” he called to the man.
“Do you have any water?”
”Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there,
Come on in.”
”How about my friend here?” the traveler
Gestured to the dog.
”There should be a bowl by the pump,” said the man.
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there Was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long
Drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back
Toward the man who was standing by the tree.
”What do you call this place?” the traveler asked.
“This is Heaven,” he answered.
”Well, that's confusing,” the traveler said.
”The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'”
”Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly Gates? Nope. That's Hell.”
”Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?”
”No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would Leave their best friends behind.”
The man was enjoying the scenery,
When it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying and that the dog walking
Beside him had been dead for years.
He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone
Wall along one side of the road.
It looked like fine marble.
At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch That glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent Gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl and The street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.
He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got Closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out,
“Excuse me, where are we?”
“This is Heaven, sir,” the man answered.
”Wow! Would you happen to have some water?”
The man asked.
”Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have
Some ice water brought right up.”
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
“Can my friend,” gesturing toward his dog,
“come in, too?” the traveller asked.
”I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.”
The man thought a moment and then turned
Back toward the road and continued the way
He had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another
Long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a Farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed.
There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside,
Leaning against a tree and reading a book.
”Excuse me!” he called to the man.
“Do you have any water?”
”Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there,
Come on in.”
”How about my friend here?” the traveler
Gestured to the dog.
”There should be a bowl by the pump,” said the man.
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there Was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long
Drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back
Toward the man who was standing by the tree.
”What do you call this place?” the traveler asked.
“This is Heaven,” he answered.
”Well, that's confusing,” the traveler said.
”The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'”
”Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly Gates? Nope. That's Hell.”
”Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?”
”No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would Leave their best friends behind.”
OP
OP
[SIZE=13.5pt]As we all should know, there is always more than one way to tell a story.
Interested in family history, I putter around with genealogy research. I discovered a story about a relative we'll call "Ole Bill." "Ole Bill", was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of "Ole Bill" shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1883, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. He was caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]I shared this information with my family and I later discovered this on one of my older brother's facebook page.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]"'Ole Bill' was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, 'Ole Bill' passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."[/SIZE]
Interested in family history, I putter around with genealogy research. I discovered a story about a relative we'll call "Ole Bill." "Ole Bill", was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of "Ole Bill" shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1883, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. He was caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]I shared this information with my family and I later discovered this on one of my older brother's facebook page.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]"'Ole Bill' was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, 'Ole Bill' passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."[/SIZE]
