I need to hear a good new joke

Here's one Ted explained to me.............................

At a convention, the heads of breweries were going to lunch together. The head of Coors orders a Coors. Head of Anheuser Busch orders a Budweiser. Head of Miller orders a Miller.

The head of Russian River Brewery orders a cola.

The head of Coors asks "Why don't you order a beer?"

"If you guys aren't gonna drink a beer, neither am I", he replied.
 
ski3pin said:
Here's one Ted explained to me.............................

At a convention, the heads of breweries were going to lunch together. The head of Coors orders a Coors. Head of Anheuser Busch orders a Budweiser. Head of Miller orders a Miller.
The head of Russian River Brewery orders a cola.
The head of Coors asks "Why don't you order a beer?"
"If you guys aren't gonna drink a beer, neither am I", he replied.
Click to expand...
Funny! True!
 





A mechanical engineer who was unemployed for 5 years decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: “A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $400; we’ll pay you $1,000 if we fail.”

Doctor Ed walks by the sign and thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

The doctor says ” Sir, I have lost my sense of taste.”

Engineer replies “Nurse, can you please bring the medicine from box 19 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

The doctor immediately screams “WHAT THE?!? This is Gasoline!”

Engineer responds “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $400.”

The doctor gets very annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor this time tells the engineer “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Engineer again says “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 19 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

The doctor “But that is Gasoline!”

Engineer smiles and says “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $400.”

The doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

This time the doctor said “My eyesight has become weak.”

Engineer replied “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000,” passing the doctor a $500 bill.

Doctor: “But this is $500…”

Engineer said “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back! That will be $400.”​
 
Bill and Hillary were at hillary's high school reunion. Jim, one of hillary's old boy friends, came over and the three talked for a bit. When Jim left Bill remarked "your married to The President of The United States where do you think you'd be if you stayed with Jim?"

Married to the President of The United States She replied.
 
An older guy was pissed off at his nuero surgeon for charging so much. He told the Dr. "the human body is only worth about $16 yet you charge 3 times as much as the mechanic that works on my $300,000 Farrari.

The Dr. then said does he fix it while its running?
 
I was hoping to find some other words used to describe thesaurus. So I looked in a thesaurus and the don't have a listing for it. Huh. :unsure:
 
Ted said:
I was hoping to find some other words used to describe thesaurus. So I looked in a thesaurus and the don't have a listing for it. Huh. :unsure:
Click to expand...
Synonyms: wordfinder, wordbook, synonym dictionary, lexicon.

I used to be poor. Then I bought a Thesaurus and now I'm impecunious.
 
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, 'SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.' WELL,
MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL ..."YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1965...WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED-FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH???"
 
200 dead crows were found near Topeka, Kansas
and there was concern they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist was brought in to examine the remains of all the crows. He
confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, much to everyone's relief.
However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed
by impact with trucks and only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
Kansas then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine why
the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill.
He determined the cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow
in a nearby power pole or tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was the lookout crows could only say, "Cah-Cah-Cah"
but none of them could say "Truck."
 
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily and bought a mule for $100.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis &Leroy replied,"Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
Curtis said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.."
Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
 
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded "Yes, that is still one of our laws".
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich".
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith"
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith".
The rabbi nodded understandingly, remained silent, and sat thinking for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
 
A man in a bar finds himself attracted to a woman sitting at the bar. He is very shy but would really like to talk to her.
His friend says to him,"It is easy. Just go over and say your favorite pick up line."

The shy man decided to try it and goes over to the woman and says,"Ford, F series"
_________________
 
GroovyDad said:
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded "Yes, that is still one of our laws".
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich".
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith"
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith".
The rabbi nodded understandingly, remained silent, and sat thinking for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
Click to expand...
Yes it does
 
[SIZE=14.5pt]The Best Pubs Are Irish[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.5pt]"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back
home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord
goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the
fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion,
the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Patty Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me
favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink,
then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had
enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on
the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to
me sister quite a few times."[/SIZE]
 
A guy is driving around the backcountry roads in Nevada and he sees a sign in front of a modest mobile home: "Talking Dog For Sale" 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Golden Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Golden answers.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he asks "So, what's your story?"

The Retriever looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the good ole US of A, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says. "I couldn't take more than ten dollars."

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads - WTW

ski3pin
I Hear A Train A Coming!
ski3pin
ski3pin
craig333
Summer weight sleeping bag with a good zipper
craig333
craig333
K
Bears Ears (made it home)
Marysmith.0901
Marysmith.0901

New posts - WTW

Back
Top Bottom