I need to hear a good new joke

[SIZE=18pt]CALLER:[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt]Is this Gordon's Pizza?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]GOOGLE:[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt]No sir, it's Google.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]CALLER:[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt]I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]GOOGLE:[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt]No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]CALLER:[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt]OK. I would like to order a pizza.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]GOOGLE:[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt]Do you want your usual, sir?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]CALLER: [/SIZE][SIZE=18pt]My usual? You know me?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]GOOGLE: [/SIZE][SIZE=18pt]According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]CALLER:[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt]OK! That’s what I want ...[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]GOOGLE: [/SIZE][SIZE=18pt]May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]CALLER:[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt]What? I detest vegetable![/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]GOOGLE:[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt]Your cholesterol is not good, sir.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]CALLER:[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt]How the hell do you know![/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]GOOGLE: [/SIZE][SIZE=18pt]Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]CALLER: [/SIZE][SIZE=18pt]Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]GOOGLE:[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt]Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt]only a[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt]box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]CALLER:[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt]I bought more from another drugstore.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]GOOGLE:[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt]That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]CALLER:[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt]I paid in cash.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]GOOGLE:[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt]But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]CALLER:[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt]I have other sources of cash.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]GOOGLE:[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt]That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]CALLER:[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt]WHAT THE HELL![/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]GOOGLE:[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt]I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]CALLER: [/SIZE][SIZE=18pt]Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]GOOGLE:[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt]I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...[/SIZE]
 
ski3pin said:
CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google.

CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER: OK! That’s what I want ...

GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER: What? I detest vegetable!

GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER: How the hell do you know!

GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER: I paid in cash.

GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER: I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
Click to expand...
:D
When the Machines take over I'm going to be a collaborator - I want a primo spot in The Matrix!
;)
 
I've read that they've discovered a parallel, less virulent strain of the Corona Virus. They're calling it the Corona Light virus.
 
What with "spring" being just around the corner,
full


And this happening in Ski's neighborhood
https://www.wanderthewest.com/forum/topic/19609-here-we-go-springenjoy/page-2

and - 5*F here at home this morning, I thought I would post some of the various seasons we experience rather than the staid collection of just four:


gallery_6362_1228_14140.jpg
 
For us, there are only two:
- winter
- road construction

Or as Mark Twain famously did not say:
'the coldest winter I ever spent was one summer in Duluth'
 
[SIZE=24pt]Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize![/SIZE]
[SIZE=24pt]She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight).
They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had
that extra latte !! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=24pt]Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would
be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her
companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and
refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=24pt]Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against
the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=24pt]Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was
'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too got the giggles and when they finally managed to
compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=24pt]Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first
place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=24pt]As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'. And you thought your first date was embarrassing.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=24pt]Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.[/SIZE]
 
After being unable to buy toilet paper last week, I decided that I would simply go without and just crust up. Since then, the 6 foot and social distancing rules seem to have taken care of themselves.
 
From the interwebs... and cleaned up a bit...

My neighborhood supermarket was out of hand soap and toilet paper so I thought, phoey, and bought dryer sheets and fabric softener.
Now my 57 yr old behind smells like mountain air, and is completely wrinkle free. And I can catch lightening bolts with my bare hands.
 
Wandering Sagebrush said:
From the interwebs... and cleaned up a bit...

My neighborhood supermarket was out of hand soap and toilet paper so I thought, phoey, and bought dryer sheets and fabric softener.
Now my 57 yr old behind smells like mountain air, and is completely wrinkle free. And I can catch lightening bolts with my bare hands.
Click to expand...
If only.
What ever it takes to get through.
Frank
 
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