OP
OP
Don't say, "They didn't teach us that in school."
Yes they did.
You were talking.
Yes they did.
You were talking.
I need to hear a good new joke
- Thread starter ski3pin
- Start date
OP
OP
The three hardest things to say
1. I was wrong
2. I need help
3. Worcestershire Sauce
1. I was wrong
2. I need help
3. Worcestershire Sauce
Two hats were hanging out on a hat rack.
One said, “You stay here, I’ll go on ahead.”
One said, “You stay here, I’ll go on ahead.”
OP
OP
I have learned you can tell a lot about a man by how a dog reacts to him. For example, if a police k9 is taking him down, he may not be ideal.
I still think my favorite thing that's ever happened to me on the internet is the time a guy said "People change their minds when you show them the facts". And I said, "Actually, studies show that's not true" and linked to two separate studies.
Guess what he said?
"Yeah well, I still think that facts change minds... "
Doh!
https://heleo.com/facts-dont-change-peoples-minds-heres/16242/
Guess what he said?
"Yeah well, I still think that facts change minds... "
Doh!
https://heleo.com/facts-dont-change-peoples-minds-heres/16242/
OP
OP
You never appreciate what you have until it's gone. Toilet paper is a good example.
I successfully stole a case of toilet paper...
Got off Scott free
Got off Scott free
OP
OP
When I was a kid my Dad would always say, "Pardon my French," right after a swear word. I'll never forget my first day of school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.
OP
OP
Birthdays are good for your health. Studies show that people who have more birthdays live longer.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion. What do you do?
.
.
.
.
You're drunk, get off the carousel!
.
.
.
.
You're drunk, get off the carousel!
OP
OP
I would have fallen off the carousel by then.
billharr
Senior Member
Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough andturns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'
The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.
The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'
They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough andturns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'
The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.
The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'
They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'
Ha Ha good one.
Frank
Frank
I like opera. Pagliacci anyone?
takesiteasy
Senior Member
Bill, that's a good one. Maybe this is the year!billharr said:
Sorry Al go 49ers.
Should be a good game.
Frank
Should be a good game.
Frank
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted but the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber shaved off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber shaved off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
My wife liked this one too, so even though some might consider it politically incorrect, I think it should be safe to post. Moderators, let me know if not!
WHAT RELIGION IS YOUR BRA?
A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple.'
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.
Oh and have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD , E, F, G, and H are the letters used
to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!
Oh...They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen!!
and the one from Quebec - it's called Sepratits
WHAT RELIGION IS YOUR BRA?
A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple.'
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.
Oh and have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD , E, F, G, and H are the letters used
to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!
Oh...They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen!!
and the one from Quebec - it's called Sepratits
So many choices.
Frank
Frank
