I need to hear a good new joke

glesga poem.jpg
 
Sad news from Minnesota…

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
 
Tuff Guy 62 said:
Q: What do you call a drummer who breaks up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Click to expand...
Hummmm.........................

The one I heard went like this -

What you you call a girl on a drummer's arm?

A tattoo
 
[SIZE=13.5pt]Four sophomores were taking the same college chemistry class and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]finals, they decided to visit some friends in Nashville and have a big party. They[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]and didn't make it back to Kentucky until early Monday morning.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Rather than taking the final with lingering hangovers, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. Their story was[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]that they visited friends out of town but on the way back they had a flat tire and, as a result, they missed the final. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied hard that night for the exam.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]The next day the professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one, in a separate room, thought this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]On the second page was written... [/SIZE]


[SIZE=13.5pt]For 95 points: Which tire was flat? __________________[/SIZE]
 
Sister Marry was truly a religious woman. Besides for her duties as a nun, she was also very active in various hospitals visiting sick patients and taking care of all their needs. So it was no surprise that one day when she ran out of gas, the only container she could find to put the gas into was a bedpan. Sister Mary happily walked two blocks to the closest gas station filled up the bedpan with gas and headed back to her car. Luck would have it that as Sister Mary started tipping the gas into the fuel tank, the traffic light turned red and she had quite a large audience witnessing the spectacle. Just when she finished pouring in the last drops of gas a fellow opened up his window and hollered, “I swear! If that car starts I’m becoming a religious man!”
 
[SIZE=10pt]Subject:[/SIZE][SIZE=10pt] THE GIRAFFE TEST[/SIZE]




[SIZE=13.5pt]1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? [/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.[/SIZE]




[SIZE=13.5pt]2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]?
?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals [/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]attend [/SIZE][SIZE=13.5pt].... except one.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]Which animal does not attend?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities. [/SIZE]







[SIZE=13.5pt]4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]You [/SIZE][SIZE=13.5pt]do not have a boat. How do you manage it?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]professionals [/SIZE][SIZE=13.5pt]they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old. [/SIZE]
 
Tuff Guy 62 said:
[SIZE=10pt]Subject:[/SIZE][SIZE=10pt] THE GIRAFFE TEST[/SIZE]



[SIZE=13.5pt]1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? [/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.[/SIZE]




[SIZE=13.5pt]2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]?
?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals [/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]attend [/SIZE][SIZE=13.5pt].... except one.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]Which animal does not attend?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities. [/SIZE]







[SIZE=13.5pt]4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]You [/SIZE][SIZE=13.5pt]do not have a boat. How do you manage it?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]professionals [/SIZE][SIZE=13.5pt]they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old. [/SIZE]
Click to expand...
I like this! Shared with the Lady and she got most of them correct - middle school teacher. :)
 
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