I need to hear a good new joke

COMMON TOOLS AND THEIR USES

[SIZE=20pt]SKIL SAW[/SIZE] [SIZE=20pt]:[/SIZE]
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short[SIZE=16pt].[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]BELT SANDER[/SIZE] [SIZE=20pt]:[/SIZE]
An electric sanding tool commonly used to [SIZE=16pt]convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]WIRE WHEEL[/SIZE] [SIZE=20pt]:[/SIZE]
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say[SIZE=16pt], 'Oh ****'[/SIZE] . Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back[SIZE=16pt].[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]DRILL PRESS[/SIZE] [SIZE=20pt]:[/SIZE]
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it[SIZE=16pt].[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]Channel Locks[/SIZE] [SIZE=20pt]:[/SIZE]
Used to partially round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters[SIZE=16pt].[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]HACKSAW[/SIZE] [SIZE=20pt]:[/SIZE]
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes[SIZE=16pt].[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]VISE-GRIPS[/SIZE] [SIZE=20pt]:[/SIZE]
Generally used after Channel Locks to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand[SIZE=16pt]. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]OXYACETYLENE TORCH[/SIZE] [SIZE=20pt]:[/SIZE]
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race[SIZE=16pt].[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]TABLE SAW[/SIZE] [SIZE=20pt]:[/SIZE]
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!

[SIZE=20pt]HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK[/SIZE] [SIZE=20pt]:[/SIZE]
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper[SIZE=16pt]. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]BAND SAW[/SIZE] [SIZE=20pt]:[/SIZE]
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also (as with the Table Saw) excels at amputations[SIZE=16pt].[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST[/SIZE] [SIZE=20pt]:[/SIZE]
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect[SIZE=16pt].[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER[/SIZE] [SIZE=20pt]:[/SIZE]
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads[SIZE=16pt]. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER[/SIZE] [SIZE=20pt]:[/SIZE]
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms[SIZE=16pt].[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]PRY BAR[/SIZE] [SIZE=20pt]:[/SIZE]
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part[SIZE=16pt]. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]PVC PIPE CUTTER[/SIZE] [SIZE=20pt]:[/SIZE]
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short[SIZE=16pt].[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]HAMMER[/SIZE] [SIZE=20pt]:[/SIZE]
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit. Also very effective at delayed fingernail removal[SIZE=16pt].[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]UTILITY KNIFE[/SIZE] [SIZE=20pt]:[/SIZE]
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can stich up the damage[SIZE=16pt].[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]SON OF A BITCH TOOL[/SIZE] [SIZE=20pt]:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need[/SIZE][SIZE=16pt].[/SIZE]
 





Safety Glasses: A protective device to protect the hairline while using power tools.

Air Compressor: Noise generation machine used to drive the wife out of the garage.

Disposable Latex Gloves: Used to eliminate the need to wash ones hands before going to the restroom.

Digital Vernier Caliper: Expensive reminder to purchase watch batteries. Again.

WD-40: Shop toilet air deodorizer.

Repair Shop Radio: Device used to start political arguments.​
 
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element
yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one
neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant
deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons,
which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles
called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can
be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes
into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction
that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4
years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal shelf-life of 2- 6 years. It does not
decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of
the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since
each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
isodopes.
This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to
believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical
concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium,
an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it
has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
 
[SIZE=13.5pt]Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older[/SIZE]


[SIZE=9.5pt] [/SIZE]


[SIZE=13.5pt]#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=9.5pt] [/SIZE]


[SIZE=13.5pt]#8 Life is sexually transmitted.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=9.5pt] [/SIZE]


[SIZE=13.5pt]#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=9.5pt] [/SIZE]


[SIZE=13.5pt]#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=13.5pt] If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=9.5pt] [/SIZE]


[SIZE=13.5pt]#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use[/SIZE]


[SIZE=13.5pt] the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=9.5pt] [/SIZE]


[SIZE=13.5pt]#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=9.5pt] [/SIZE]


[SIZE=13.5pt]#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=9.5pt] [/SIZE]


[SIZE=13.5pt]#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=13.5pt] Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=9.5pt] [/SIZE]


[SIZE=13.5pt]#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=13.5pt] What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.[/SIZE]
 
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in the water and pauses.
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of coffee. As she
listens to her sisters. She shakes her head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks
on wood for good measure. She then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."
 
There are 4 engineers driving in a car when it suddenly dies.
The chemical engineer says "The gas has run out"
The electrical engineer says "The battery must've died"
The civil engineer says "The road shredded the tires"
The computer engineer says "Why don't we get out of the car and then back in?"
 
The more I am out and about in public places, the more I notice that people are becoming prisoners of their phones. Is that why they are called cell phones?
 
One day an 75 year old man arrived for his monthly check up and smiled when the doctor asked about his health.
"I have never felt better," said the old man, "I have taken an 20 year old bride, and she is pregnant. What do you think of that?"
After a moment the doctor said, "I once knew a guy who was an avid hunter. One day he slept in late, and in the rush to go out he took his umbrella instead of his rifle. When he got deep into the woods he suddenly came face to face with a huge bear. He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. Do you know what happened then?"
"No, what happened?" replied the old man.
"The bear fell dead in front of him!" said the doctor.
"That's impossible," replied the old man, "Somebody else must have been doing the shooting!"
"Now you've got my message!" said the doctor.
 
A little boy was waiting for his mother in a small town.
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle, "You're fooling with me, right?
You don't even know the way to the Post Office.”
 
Bob, banjo picker, opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Matt, a bass player.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Bob. "It says I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Matt. "I'm curious, where are you calling from?"
 
Two farmers at the feed store were discussing the local election for tax collector. One of the candidates was named Harkins, who was also the operator of the drawbridge over the local river.
"You gonna vote for Harkins?" the first farmer asked.
"No, I don't think so," the other replied.
"Why not?" the first farmer asked.
"Well, you remember that prize bull I used to have? One day I looked in the barn and there's that bull lying down actin' strange. So I asked the vet and he gave me some medicine, and he said it had to be put in the bull's rectum.
"I took the medicine home but I couldn't find a funnel. So I seen this old army bugle hangin' on a nail in the barn and I used that.
"Only problem was that before I could get that bugle out, my bull passed some gas and made a loud toot on that bugle.
"Well sir, that scairt my bull somethin' awful and he busted out of the stall, made another toot, then busted through the fence and went runnin' down the road.
"He went down the road, runnin' and tootin' towards the bridge that Harkins runs. That fool old man opened the bridge, and my bull ran across it, fell in the river and drowned.
"Now," the farmer said, "Do you think I could vote for a man that's run that bridge for years but don't know the difference between a boat whistle and a bull blowin' a bugle out his ass?"
 
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