chnlisle
Post Master
I like it.ski3pin said:
I need to hear a good new joke
- Thread starter ski3pin
- Start date
chnlisle
Post Master
Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage. He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him with an outstretched hand, “congratulations Harry, I just wanted to tell you I’ve been married for twenty two years, and I am sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life.” “But sir”, said Harry, “a little bit confused, I’m not getting married until tomorrow!” “Yeah, I know”, said his boss
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chnlisle
Post Master
I'm smiling.
chnlisle
Post Master
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The beautiful heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside for eternity.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When everyone turned and stared at him, he apologized "I am sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I am a gynecologist!"
At that point, the proctologist sitting next to him fainted.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When everyone turned and stared at him, he apologized "I am sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I am a gynecologist!"
At that point, the proctologist sitting next to him fainted.
Not Geezers but "Seenager's"
I like this better than"senior citizen".
I am a "Seenager" (senior teenager)
I have everything that i wanted as a teenager ,only 60 years later.
I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance,(pensions)
I have my own pad.
I don't have a curfew.
I have a drivers license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the Beer Store.
The people I hang around with aren't scared of getting pregnant.
And I don't have acne.
Life is great.
Frank
I like this better than"senior citizen".
I am a "Seenager" (senior teenager)
I have everything that i wanted as a teenager ,only 60 years later.
I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance,(pensions)
I have my own pad.
I don't have a curfew.
I have a drivers license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the Beer Store.
The people I hang around with aren't scared of getting pregnant.
And I don't have acne.
Life is great.
Frank
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Today my brother told me he cannot eat vegan. They are so darn hard to catch.
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Dear AutoCorrect, I'm tired of your shirt.
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Bingo!Casa Escarlata Robles Too said:
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Jay, good one. I'm seeing my doc on Thursday. He enjoys the doc jokes I bring him. I'm older than he is. He has to listen to me.
billharr
Senior Member
The Heaven Softball Team
Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.
One day Betty said, "Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives. Please do me one favor. When you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there." Bertha looked up at Betty and said, "Betty, if it's at all possible, I'll do it." Shortly after that, Bertha died.
A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Betty, Betty."
"Who is it," asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Betty -- it's me, Bertha."
"Bertha! Where are you?"
"In heaven," replied Bertha. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Betty.
"The good news," Bertha said, "is that there's women's softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we're all young again, and it's always springtime and it never rains or snows. Best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," said Betty. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."
billharr
Senior Member
The Crash Landing
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach.
However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our VISA and MasterCard bills yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the estimate check to the IRS this quarter?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!
chnlisle
Post Master
Idle Thoughts Of A Retiree's Wandering Mind:
I had amnesia once --- maybe twice.
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Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
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All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
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If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
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What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
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They told me I was gullible, and I believed them.
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Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
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Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
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Is it me or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
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I had amnesia once --- maybe twice.
********************
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
********************
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
********************
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
********************
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
********************
They told me I was gullible, and I believed them.
********************
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
********************
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
********************
Is it me or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
********************
chnlisle
Post Master
Men have better friends than women.
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
chnlisle
Post Master
chnlisle
Post Master
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’
chnlisle
Post Master
I'm not sure this will make the cut.
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I met my boss in the parking lot. I noticed his brand new Mercedes.
"That's a nice new car you have there," I said to him
"Yes, and you know what? If you work hard, really apply yourself, put in those extra hours, next year I will be able to afford a better one."
"That's a nice new car you have there," I said to him
"Yes, and you know what? If you work hard, really apply yourself, put in those extra hours, next year I will be able to afford a better one."
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[SIZE=16pt]Children were quizzed during their Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]I asked them, If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]"No!" the children answered. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?" [/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]Again, the answer was "No!" [/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?" [/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]Again, they all answered "No!" [/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]I was just bursting with pride for them.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]They all answered, "You have to be dead!"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]I asked them, If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]"No!" the children answered. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?" [/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]Again, the answer was "No!" [/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?" [/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]Again, they all answered "No!" [/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]I was just bursting with pride for them.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]They all answered, "You have to be dead!"[/SIZE]
