I need to hear a good new joke

[ski3pin]

What do you do when a banjo player rings your doorbell?








Pay for the pizza!

Now that's funny.... Ski or accordion players?

Ah Jay and Squatch, banjo/banjo player jokes, one of my favorite forms of humor............................

Squatch, variation on your theme -

What's the difference between a banjo picker and a large pizza?
A large pizza will feed a family of four.

Taking that theme further down the line................................

What's the difference between a banjo picker and a mutual fund?
There's hope that someday a mutual fund will mature and earn money.

And speaking of maturity, my all time favorite...........................

A little boy announces to his mother, "Mommy, when I grow up I want to be a banjo player!"
"I'm sorry son," his mother replies, "You can't do both."

And remember the best humor is when you poke fun at yourself.

 

[Squatch]

And remember the best humor is when you poke fun at yourself.

I'm not a banjo player but know a few. I have a lot of good musicians as friends. That's where I get these jokes. This traveling thing is nothing new to me. I made my living behind a sound board on the road for several years!

 

[Tuff Guy 62]

And remember the best humor is when you poke fun at yourself.

I can't agree more, so here goes.

You Might Be a Geologist If ...

1. You own more pieces of quartz than underwear.
2. Your rock collection weighs more than you do.
3. Your rock garden is located inside your house
4. You can pronounce the word "molybdenite" correctly on the first try.
5. You don't think of "cleavage" the same way everyone else does.
6. You have ever uttered the phrase "have you tried licking it" with no sexual connotations involved
7. You think the primary function of road cuts is tourist attractions.
8. You find yourself compelled to examine individual rocks in driveway gravel.
9. You're planning on using a pick and shovel while you're on vacation.
10. Your internet home page has pictures of your rocks.
11. You will walk across eight lanes of freeway traffic to see if the outcrop on the other side of the highway is the same type of rock as the side you're parked on.
12. The baggage handlers at the airport know you by name and refuse to help with your luggage.
13. You have ever found yourself trying to explain to airport security that a rock hammer isn't really a weapon .
14. You have ever taken a 22-passenger van over "roads" that were really intended only for cattle
15. You consider a "recent event" to be anything that has happened in the last hundred thousand years
16. You have ever had to respond "yes" to the question, "What have you got in here, rocks?"

 

[billharr]

An old one for tax season.

Grandpa The Gambler
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.



The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

 

[Wandering Sagebrush]

I can't agree more, so here goes.

You Might Be a Geologist If ...

1. You own more pieces of quartz than underwear.
2. Your rock collection weighs more than you do.
3. Your rock garden is located inside your house
4. You can pronounce the word "molybdenite" correctly on the first try.
5. You don't think of "cleavage" the same way everyone else does.
6. You have ever uttered the phrase "have you tried licking it" with no sexual connotations involved
7. You think the primary function of road cuts is tourist attractions.
8. You find yourself compelled to examine individual rocks in driveway gravel.
9. You're planning on using a pick and shovel while you're on vacation.
10. Your internet home page has pictures of your rocks.
11. You will walk across eight lanes of freeway traffic to see if the outcrop on the other side of the highway is the same type of rock as the side you're parked on.
12. The baggage handlers at the airport know you by name and refuse to help with your luggage.
13. You have ever found yourself trying to explain to airport security that a rock hammer isn't really a weapon .
14. You have ever taken a 22-passenger van over "roads" that were really intended only for cattle
15. You consider a "recent event" to be anything that has happened in the last hundred thousand years
16. You have ever had to respond "yes" to the question, "What have you got in here, rocks?"

And you don't blush when you hear that "Subduction leads to orogeny".

 

[Tuff Guy 62]

And you don't blush when you hear that "Subduction leads to orogeny".

Only a little.

What really causes me to blush is when I hear "monadnocks rising above the peneplain"

 

[N'kwala]

Oh dang!

What really causes me to blush is when I hear "monadnocks rising above the peneplain"


That's really funny.

 

[ski3pin]

I knew I liked geology and geologists.

 

[Smokecreek1]

Ya, but in grad school they all came to the parties us archaeologists had-something about 50% 0f all arks are of the female type and something like 1 in 10 geologists are female. Wonder if it has something to do with dealing with things that were at least alive once! Just kidding, without geology and dirt us in arks could not do our job. But would I let my sister marry one-I don't know, depends on the type of beer he drinks !
Smoke

 

[Tuff Guy 62]

Sad but true Smoke.

Geologist are the first known example of an alcohol based life form.



But in defense of my colleagues of the fairer sex, I offer you this......


THE GEOLOGIST AND THE ENGINEER

A man floating along in a hot air balloon began to realize he was lost. He reduced his altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a little more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am".

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above a late Mesozoic metasedimentary sequence, 2 miles west of the Big Sur River near the Nacimiento fault which is one of the major structural controls in the region."

"You must be a geologist", said the balloonist.

"I am." replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well", answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far".

The woman below responded, "You must be an engineer".

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are through a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise to someone that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem, but you really aren't interested in the information I'm providing. The fact is you are in exactly the same situation you were before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault".

 

[Wandering Sagebrush]

Out of the mouths of babes. This funny came up at dinner tonight, and it's a real one.

My daughter told about her oldest 'T' (Thomas who is almost 8, and quite bright)) who asked I'd he could share some facts about ancient Hawaiians.

Daughter: of course T.

T: Did you know ancient Hawaiians used coconuts for toilet paper?

Brother Matthew (aka Teo) who is 6 and precocious: Well, it's a good thing they didn't use pineapples!

Where do these kids come up with this?

 

[Squatch]

They still have a firm grasp of the obvious. Haven't had the imagination driven out of them yet.

 

[ski3pin]

[SIZE=13.5pt]Four brothers all became successful business men and lawyers. They all lived
across the country from each other.

They met to discuss the party and gifts they were to give their elderly mother for her 95th birthday.

The first said, "You know I have had a big house built for Mom."

The second said, "And I had a large theatre room built into that house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mom loved reading the Bible and you know
she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Minister
who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten
Ministers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000
a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mom only has to
name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mom sent out her
"Thank You" notes.

She wrote: "Michael, the house you built is so huge that I live in only
one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thank you anyway."

"Mervin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thank you."

"Mark, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold
50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm
nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."


"Dearest Mitchell, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a
little thought to your gift. The Cornish hen was delicious. Thank you so
much."


Love, Mom[/SIZE]

 

[ski3pin]

What's the difference between a banjo player and a locksmith?

A locksmith gets paid to change keys.

What do you do when a banjo player rings your doorbell?

Pay for the pizza!

 

[Tuff Guy 62]

[SIZE=12pt]Geology majors ask “How will we mine it?”[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]Engineering majors ask “How will we build it?”[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]Business majors ask “How will we finance it?”[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]Liberal Arts majors ask “Do you want fries with that?”[/SIZE]

 

[GroovyDad]

 

[Tuff Guy 62]

A fellow Wanderer walks into the local butcher's shop to pickup something to put on the grill for dinner........



Wanderer: Hey Joe, what are today's specials?

Butcher: Today's special is brains"

Wanderer: Brains? What kind of brains?

Butcher: We've got engineers brains for $5.00/lb., doctors brains for $10.00/lb. and lawyers brains for $100.00/lb.

Wanderer: A $100.00/lb.!! Why are the lawyers brains so expensive?

Butcher: Have you ever tried to clean a lawyers brain?

 

[ski3pin]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.



"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.



"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the packing out of all of you!"



St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"



"Couple of minutes ago." answered the Cowboy.

 

[chnlisle]

It's a good thing I got married. How else would I know what an idiot I am.

 

[JaSAn]

'I finally have the body I want. It's easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.'
Louis CK

'I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm so indebted to her for.'
WC Fields

'She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.'
Bob Hope