• Still trying to get my head around the fact that ‘Take Out’ can mean food, dating, or murder.
• If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
• When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said, “Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it.”
• I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
• Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
• The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.
• It’s weird being the same age as old people.
• Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH.
• Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
• If Adam and Eve were Cajuns, they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.
• We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages …… Metamucil and Ensure.
• You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.
• Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
• So now cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws aren’t. That must be frustrating.
• Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
• For those of you who don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version….it doesn’t listen to anything.
• Someone said, “Nothing rhymes with orange.” I said, “No, it doesn’t.”
• There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
• I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.
• My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
• Apparently exercise helps you with decision-making. It’s true. I went for a run this morning and decided I’m never going again.