A fish swims into a wall. He says, "Dam."
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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
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A rabbi, a priest and a buddhist holy man walk into a church. The bartender says, "What is this, some kinda joke."
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A Higgs boson walks into a church and the priest says, "Get out of here. We don't allow Higgs bosons in church. The boson replies, without me, how can you have mass?"
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A snail walks in to a bar and orders a drink. The bartender grabs the snail, runs to the door, and throws him as far as he can throw.
Several weeks later the snail walks in to the same bar and yells, "What the hell was that for?!"
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A minister, a priest, and a rabbit walked into a bar.
Bartender asks the rabbit, "What'll you have?"
Rabbit says, "I don't know. I'm only here because of auto-correct."
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A Roman Legionnaire walk into a bar and asks for a Martinus.
"You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.
The Legionnaire replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"
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A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!"
The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.
A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.
When he went back to his beer, the voice said "What a stud you are!"
The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on. The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts--they're complimentary
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A midget walks into a bar, sits down and screams in disgust, "I cant' do anything right!"
The bartender walks over to him and says, "Don't sell yourself short".
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A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.
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A termite walks into a bar and asks "is the bar tender here?".