Help?
I need to hear a good new joke
- Thread starter ski3pin
- Start date
billharr
Senior Member
Eight Words with two Meanings
Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n..
Female..Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.. Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male...... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female.. The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male...... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys..
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male....... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male...... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Bonus Section:
He said: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said: You wear pants don't you?
He said: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said: That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said: Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
__________________
Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n..
Female..Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.. Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male...... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female.. The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male...... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys..
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male....... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male...... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Bonus Section:
He said: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said: You wear pants don't you?
He said: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said: That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said: Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
__________________
billharr
Senior Member
OP
OP
feeling a little better...................thanks Bill!
That cracked me up. I get the idea a camping trip with Bill would be entertaining. 
OP
OP
That cracked me up. I get the idea a camping trip with Bill would be entertaining.
ntsqd
Custom User Title
Blatantly stolen from over "there":
How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb? One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing lightbulbs and how the lightbulb could have been changed differently.
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
Three to correct spelling/grammar errors.
Fore to spelle evere singel wird in the poste rong and ezpect evrywon to nowe wut thare sayin anywaye.
Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb".
Another six to condemn those six as stupid.
Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.
Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.
Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.
Thirty six to debate which method of changing lightbulbs is superior, where to buy the best lightbulbs, what brand of lightbulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different lightbulbs.
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.
Three to post URLs found when following the aforementioned URLs.
Thirteen to quote 5-paragraph posts in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and then add "Me too" or "+1".
Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot mentally handle the lightbulb controversy, or because the question will just encourage a popularity contest or a "steel base vs. plastic base" discussion.
Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting easy questions about light bulbs."
Three to tell a funny story about their cat and a light bulb.
Nine to ramble on about how those liberal bastards want to take away all lightbulbs, and then sum it all up with a lame pun about Rosie O'Donnell choking on a 'fish taco'.
Twenty-four to read the first half of the post, and then answer a question NOBODY ASKED!!!
Five who get pissed over a joke that they probably didn't get in the first place.
Fifteen to argue which is more important; wattage or bulb placement.
Four to say that they only buy custom made lightbulbs.
Three to say that they buy cheap bulbs that are just as good as the custom made ones, but that way they have extra money for lampshades.
Five to ask the infamous "can a +P wattage bulb be used in my socket?" question.
Fourteen to debate which type of replacement light bulb is best (i.e. incandescent, halogen, fluorescent, LED)
four to debate the impact to the environment by changing a light bulb and what do do with the one removed to minimize the environmental impact.
Six to discuss alternative uses for burnt out light bulbs.
One to quote the treadlightly guideline that most likely covers changing light bulbs
Twelve to discuss the ethical use of light bulbs
Four to mention how they like to just line up light bulbs and shoot them
Three to inquire about which light bulbs one should carry as spares
Fourteen to discuss the best place to carry spare light bulbs
Six to discuss the best ways to protect light bulbs while off 'wheeling"
Six to discuss the best way to photograph light bulbs
Four to inquire about which camera would work best for photographing light bulbs.
A new thread on light bulb pictures
Two to ask about which maps to load in order to find light bulb GPS locations
One to point out the dangers of broken light bulbs
Thirty four to relate their or others experiences with broken light bulbs
Twenty one to discuss first response actions that are best used for the victim of a broken light bulb
Twenty nine new threads covering additional " how many ExPo members does it take to ..."
Fourteen to debate the meaning and proper use of "ExPo"
One to point out the proper light bulb for Glampers
One to point out that changing a light bulb is the classical first step in the progression of ship fitter's disease
One to ask what is ship fitter's disease
One to cross-post the whole topic on another forum.
3 to discuss if the alternator should be upgraded to better supply the light bulb with a steady and reliable source of power.
1 to ask the alternator posters how they define "steady and reliable".
7 to argue if it would be better to get a new alternator or modify/upgrade the one currently in the vehicle.
Four to suggest light-bulb changing be a three-hour course in Overland Training.
Six to pontificate on which size light bulb should be used during Overland Training.
Two to volunteer to hold the light bulb during Overland Training.
Two more to volunteer to energize the light bulb while the other two are holding them.
Sixteen to brag about being the first sixteen to be "Overland Training Light Bulb Changer Certified".
Five to provide a new market in used light bulbs on CL.
Twelve to post where used light bulbs can be found in various cities on CL.
Eleven of the twelve remember to post that they have no affiliation with the light bulb sellers on CL.
One "Articulate" to come up with the funniest one-liner of all about changing light bulbs.
Corollaries:
A new thread asking for favorite light bulb changing songs
A new thread for pictures of before and after changed light bulbs
What I want to know is what were the light( )bulbs changed into?
How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb? One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing lightbulbs and how the lightbulb could have been changed differently.
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
Three to correct spelling/grammar errors.
Fore to spelle evere singel wird in the poste rong and ezpect evrywon to nowe wut thare sayin anywaye.
Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb".
Another six to condemn those six as stupid.
Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.
Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.
Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.
Thirty six to debate which method of changing lightbulbs is superior, where to buy the best lightbulbs, what brand of lightbulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different lightbulbs.
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.
Three to post URLs found when following the aforementioned URLs.
Thirteen to quote 5-paragraph posts in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and then add "Me too" or "+1".
Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot mentally handle the lightbulb controversy, or because the question will just encourage a popularity contest or a "steel base vs. plastic base" discussion.
Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting easy questions about light bulbs."
Three to tell a funny story about their cat and a light bulb.
Nine to ramble on about how those liberal bastards want to take away all lightbulbs, and then sum it all up with a lame pun about Rosie O'Donnell choking on a 'fish taco'.
Twenty-four to read the first half of the post, and then answer a question NOBODY ASKED!!!
Five who get pissed over a joke that they probably didn't get in the first place.
Fifteen to argue which is more important; wattage or bulb placement.
Four to say that they only buy custom made lightbulbs.
Three to say that they buy cheap bulbs that are just as good as the custom made ones, but that way they have extra money for lampshades.
Five to ask the infamous "can a +P wattage bulb be used in my socket?" question.
Fourteen to debate which type of replacement light bulb is best (i.e. incandescent, halogen, fluorescent, LED)
four to debate the impact to the environment by changing a light bulb and what do do with the one removed to minimize the environmental impact.
Six to discuss alternative uses for burnt out light bulbs.
One to quote the treadlightly guideline that most likely covers changing light bulbs
Twelve to discuss the ethical use of light bulbs
Four to mention how they like to just line up light bulbs and shoot them
Three to inquire about which light bulbs one should carry as spares
Fourteen to discuss the best place to carry spare light bulbs
Six to discuss the best ways to protect light bulbs while off 'wheeling"
Six to discuss the best way to photograph light bulbs
Four to inquire about which camera would work best for photographing light bulbs.
A new thread on light bulb pictures
Two to ask about which maps to load in order to find light bulb GPS locations
One to point out the dangers of broken light bulbs
Thirty four to relate their or others experiences with broken light bulbs
Twenty one to discuss first response actions that are best used for the victim of a broken light bulb
Twenty nine new threads covering additional " how many ExPo members does it take to ..."
Fourteen to debate the meaning and proper use of "ExPo"
One to point out the proper light bulb for Glampers
One to point out that changing a light bulb is the classical first step in the progression of ship fitter's disease
One to ask what is ship fitter's disease
One to cross-post the whole topic on another forum.
3 to discuss if the alternator should be upgraded to better supply the light bulb with a steady and reliable source of power.
1 to ask the alternator posters how they define "steady and reliable".
7 to argue if it would be better to get a new alternator or modify/upgrade the one currently in the vehicle.
Four to suggest light-bulb changing be a three-hour course in Overland Training.
Six to pontificate on which size light bulb should be used during Overland Training.
Two to volunteer to hold the light bulb during Overland Training.
Two more to volunteer to energize the light bulb while the other two are holding them.
Sixteen to brag about being the first sixteen to be "Overland Training Light Bulb Changer Certified".
Five to provide a new market in used light bulbs on CL.
Twelve to post where used light bulbs can be found in various cities on CL.
Eleven of the twelve remember to post that they have no affiliation with the light bulb sellers on CL.
One "Articulate" to come up with the funniest one-liner of all about changing light bulbs.
Corollaries:
A new thread asking for favorite light bulb changing songs
A new thread for pictures of before and after changed light bulbs
What I want to know is what were the light( )bulbs changed into?
OP
OP
Three to tell a funny story about their cat and a light bulb.
anyone?
and whew, now I know why I hang out over here. I did laugh though, thanks!
anyone?
and whew, now I know why I hang out over here. I did laugh though, thanks!
RJones
Contributors
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
All great. Enjoyed the yucks.Keep them coming.
Frank
Frank
ntsqd
Custom User Title
Rough coupla days to be a Blonde:
A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!
Why WALMART???
WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!
A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!
Why WALMART???
WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!
OP
OP
Wow, the blondes are sure getting it.
Well, along the lines of it being appropriate to tell jokes about ourselves...............
What do you call a WTWer wearing a three piece suit?
The Defendant.
Well, along the lines of it being appropriate to tell jokes about ourselves...............
What do you call a WTWer wearing a three piece suit?
The Defendant.
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
OP
OP
Ted, that is a variation on one of my favorites, thanks! Brought a smile to my face. My version has the addition of running warm water over it and banging it up against the side of the counter.
Blatantly stolen from over "there":
How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb? One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed...
........
..........
....What I want to know is what were the light( )bulbs changed into?
Wow! That's most-excellent...and at least occasionally relevant "over here".
I think I'll print it out and tape it to my monitor -- as a reminder...
How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb? One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed...
........
..........
....What I want to know is what were the light( )bulbs changed into?
Wow! That's most-excellent...and at least occasionally relevant "over here".
I think I'll print it out and tape it to my monitor -- as a reminder...
Foy
Resident Geologist
The 85 year-old patient is very hard of hearing, so his wife of 65 years accompanied him into the doctor's examination room. After some physical examination, the doctor says he'll need to collect some samples.
"Mr. Smith, we'll need a blood sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample"
"What's that, sonny, what's so simple" replied the elderly gentleman?
"No, sir, I said I'll need a blood sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample", replied the doctor.
"Oh yes, I always watched Hee-Haw and Junior Samples was my favorite, too"
At this point, with her husband clearly not understanding what the doctor wanted, the wife piped up, leaned over to her husband's ear, and said
"THE DOCTOR NEEDS A PAIR OF YOUR UNDERSHORTS"
"Mr. Smith, we'll need a blood sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample"
"What's that, sonny, what's so simple" replied the elderly gentleman?
"No, sir, I said I'll need a blood sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample", replied the doctor.
"Oh yes, I always watched Hee-Haw and Junior Samples was my favorite, too"
At this point, with her husband clearly not understanding what the doctor wanted, the wife piped up, leaned over to her husband's ear, and said
"THE DOCTOR NEEDS A PAIR OF YOUR UNDERSHORTS"
OP
OP
The 85 year-old patient is very hard of hearing, so his wife of 65 years accompanied him into the doctor's examination room. After some physical examination, the doctor says he'll need to collect some samples.
"Mr. Smith, we'll need a blood sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample"
"What's that, sonny, what's so simple" replied the elderly gentleman?
"No, sir, I said I'll need a blood sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample", replied the doctor.
"Oh yes, I always watched Hee-Haw and Junior Samples was my favorite, too"
At this point, with her husband clearly not understanding what the doctor wanted, the wife piped up, leaned over to her husband's ear, and said
"THE DOCTOR NEEDS A PAIR OF YOUR UNDERSHORTS"
Oh my.................
now the 85 year olds are getting it.
"Mr. Smith, we'll need a blood sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample"
"What's that, sonny, what's so simple" replied the elderly gentleman?
"No, sir, I said I'll need a blood sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample", replied the doctor.
"Oh yes, I always watched Hee-Haw and Junior Samples was my favorite, too"
At this point, with her husband clearly not understanding what the doctor wanted, the wife piped up, leaned over to her husband's ear, and said
"THE DOCTOR NEEDS A PAIR OF YOUR UNDERSHORTS"
Oh my.................
now the 85 year olds are getting it.
OP
OP
This topic needs a bump for me. A couple more?
OP
OP
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out seeing what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible, “he explains, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, “Don’t worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again,
He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, Hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says. "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
I know any of you can do much better...............................
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out seeing what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible, “he explains, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, “Don’t worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again,
He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, Hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says. "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
I know any of you can do much better...............................
SunMan
King Taco
An old fave...
A man walked into a bar in Scotland, sat down and ordered a drink. Next to him was a leathery old Scotsman, well into the bottle in front of him.
The man asked the Scotsman if there was something the matter.
The Scot replied (in Groundskeeper Willy brogue); "Aye lad, indeed there is. You see this bar here? I built this bar with me own two hands, slowly crafting it in the time-honored way of my forebears. It took me 4 months, but do they call me MacGregor the bar-builder? Noooooo. "
"You see the dock that your ferry landed at the night before? I built that dock with me own bare hands, piling by piling, plank by plank. It took nigh a year, but do they call me MacGregor the dock-builder? Noooooo."
"And do you recall the livery stable you passed on the way into town? I stood that stable up in six months, with nary a bit o' help. To this day that stable is one of the finest in all of Scotland. But do they call me MacGregor that stable-builder? Nooooooo."
"Ahhh...But laddy...you f*ck one goat..."
A man walked into a bar in Scotland, sat down and ordered a drink. Next to him was a leathery old Scotsman, well into the bottle in front of him.
The man asked the Scotsman if there was something the matter.
The Scot replied (in Groundskeeper Willy brogue); "Aye lad, indeed there is. You see this bar here? I built this bar with me own two hands, slowly crafting it in the time-honored way of my forebears. It took me 4 months, but do they call me MacGregor the bar-builder? Noooooo. "
"You see the dock that your ferry landed at the night before? I built that dock with me own bare hands, piling by piling, plank by plank. It took nigh a year, but do they call me MacGregor the dock-builder? Noooooo."
"And do you recall the livery stable you passed on the way into town? I stood that stable up in six months, with nary a bit o' help. To this day that stable is one of the finest in all of Scotland. But do they call me MacGregor that stable-builder? Nooooooo."
"Ahhh...But laddy...you f*ck one goat..."
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