I need to hear a good new joke

[Wandering Sagebrush]

CRAZY!!............but Believable!!

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

 

[ski3pin]

The Lady says that's almost as good as the blonde in the library joke. Thanks for the good laugh!

 

[chnlisle]

Two doctors are vacationing in Vegas. Both are well built, tall, good looking and available. One guy has 2 or 3 hot babes every night ....his buddy? Nada. He asks his friend to tell him his secret.

Tomorrow before you go down to the pool put a potato in your trunks. The next day he shoves
a potato into his trunks and heads to the pool. Still nothing.....in fact it's worst than before. Later that night he tells his buddy that he took his advise and it didn't work.

His friend tells him "tomorrow put the potato in the front."

 

[Wandering Sagebrush]

Wisdom Comes With The Years...

A 72 year old man had one hobby - he loved to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say
again, ''Pick me up. '

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?'
I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age - comes wisdom

 

[chnlisle]

An 85 year old man picks up a brass bottle he finds in the sand on the beach in Miami. When he tries rubbing off the grime a gorgeous, naked 20 something woman appears. She says to the old guy "I'm here to give you super sex." He thinks a moment and replies " I'll have the soup."

 

[billharr]

Many, many six-packs.

 

[chnlisle]

I asked a friend for his newspaper. He told me to get with times and handed me his iPad.

That fly never saw it coming.

 

[billharr]

When you're over 60 who gives a ****
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you are over sixty who gives a ****............

***********

This ******* looked at my beer belly last night and
sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
When you are over sixty who gives a ****?

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your
hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over
there instead of you."
When you are over sixty who gives a ****?

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess
what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose
patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over sixty who gives a ****?

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty who gives a ****?

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing
on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really
think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed
by now." When you are over sixty who gives a ****?

 

[ski3pin]

Bill, are you over 60?

 

[Smokecreek1]

Love it ,. when you are over 60 and still moving, everything is great -70 is sort of scary thou, but what's a new goal post to jump over ! What is 70 the new 50, my bones be still moving!

Smoke

 

[billharr]

Bill, are you over 60?

Yes

 

[Casa Escarlata Robles Too]

Love it ,. when you are over 60 and still moving, everything is great -70 is sort of scary thou, but what's a new goal post to jump over ! What is 70 the new 50, my bones be still moving!

Smoke

70,no problem. Feels like at least 45/50. They are all numbers.
Frank

 

[billharr]

Politics​

A woman in a hot-air balloon is lost, so she shouts to a man below, "Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don’t know where I am."

"You’re at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude," he replies.

"You must be a Democrat."

"I am. How did you know?"

"Because everything you told me is technically correct, but the information is useless, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve been no help."

"You must be a Republican."

"Yes. How did you know?"

"You’ve risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air, you made a promise you couldn’t keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault."
__________________

 

[chnlisle]

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

 

[chnlisle]

After getting thrown out of a bar, 2 drunks are staggering down the street when they see a dog sitting on the curb, licking his "privates." They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"

The other one looks at him and says, "You better pet him first."

 

[Wandering Sagebrush]

Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?



This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.


This is done by the Chip Monks.

 

[montana-moods]

Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?



This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.


This is done by the Chip Monks.

Groan!

 

[ski3pin]

Groan!

Yeah, but you knew it was coming and it still made us smile.

 

[Wandering Sagebrush]

Hey, I love groaners! Wanna see another?

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to portray, as long as they were famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."

 

[Wandering Sagebrush]

and back to the critters...

A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn't know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N'-Chips stand.

One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, "May I have just an order of fries?"

The brother said, "Hold on a moment. I'm the fish friar. You want the chip monk."