Oh Jay you made for a good laugh.
Thanks Frank
Thanks Frank
I need to hear a good new joke
- Thread starter ski3pin
- Start date
chnlisle
Post Master
While driving home from Their 50th anniversary party a wife saw a tear coming from her husband’s eye. “Are you happy that we have spent 50 splendid years together?” she asked. “No. I was just thinking about how your father threatened to have me thrown into prison for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I could have been free!”
chnlisle
Post Master
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
OP
OP
[SIZE=16pt]People frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]Then he started writing a third ticket. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a "(insert wording of your choice here)" bumper sticker. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]Then he started writing a third ticket. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a "(insert wording of your choice here)" bumper sticker. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health. [/SIZE]
N'kwala
Geezelle
Deeply inspiring, I'll keep this in mind. 
OP
OP
One day an old coyote is chasing squirrels and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he spots a mountain lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old coyote thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep do do now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the lion is about to leap, the old coyote exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!" says the lion, "That was close! That old coyote nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion.
The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
The old coyote sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" Instead of running, the coyote sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old coyote says....
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!"
The old coyote thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep do do now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the lion is about to leap, the old coyote exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!" says the lion, "That was close! That old coyote nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion.
The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
The old coyote sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" Instead of running, the coyote sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old coyote says....
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!"
That's a good one.ski3pin said:
It sounds kinda like a native-peoples style tale...the kind that could be told by indigenous folks in Africa or India (with "jackal" in place of "coyote") -- or even as an old European folk-tale -- as easily as North America.
N'kwala
Geezelle
Good story, thanks.
montana-moods
Advanced Member
I hope this one can add a bit of cheer to ski3pin and other facing a dry spring.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25lbs program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 lbs that week.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25lbs program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 lbs that week.
OP
OP
Sounds like the moral is stay with what works.............................................the 5 day 5 lbs. plan
montana-moods
Advanced Member
Losing weight too fast is rarely a good idea. And under certain condition could lead to a loss of more than just weight.
craig333
Riley's Human
Lol. Good one
montana-moods
Advanced Member
Not exactly a joke but funny to me. I hope this doesn't reveal too much about myself.
Colorectal surgeon
Memory song
If one or both hits a raw spot, I hope the humor will help ease the pain.
Colorectal surgeon
Memory song
If one or both hits a raw spot, I hope the humor will help ease the pain.
Thanks. The radio station we listen to around here is KPIG Freedom Ca.montana-moods said:
They play the colorectal one once in a while,along with lots of other "hits".
Frank
montana-moods
Advanced Member
Must be a fun radio station. Do they happen to play a little Tom Rush too?
OP
OP
The first song I've known for years and sing it everyday! The second, well, I just can't seem to get all the words down.montana-moods said:
billharr
Senior Member
[SIZE=26pt]THE MORE YOU READ THE FUNNIER IT GETS......COULDN'T DECIDE WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CRY.[/SIZE]
A mere child!
Senior citizen?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.
Was he blind?
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old? Me?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]I'll show him, I thought.
I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter,
and there he was waiting with a smile.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]Before I could say a word, he held up something
and jingled it in front of me,
like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now?
A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind![/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now?
I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]Then, a few other objects came into focus:
The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,
relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.
That is when I
felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!
My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito,
only it was nowhere to be found.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,
and strode back into the restaurant one final time.
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.
All I could think was,
"What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?
At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,
and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]Elmo had no clue.
I walked back out to the truck,
and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.
He was holding up a drink and a bag.
His mother explained,
"I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]She offered these kind words:
"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.
Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.
And no, I told the officer, I'm not [/SIZE]too old to be driving this fast.
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.
I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.
I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.
Pass this on to the other "old fogies" on your list(so they can have fun laughing, too).
Notice the larger type?
That's for those of us who have trouble reading.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet withchocolate!!!!![/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]Oops, did I send this to you already?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]$5.37![/SIZE][SIZE=26pt]
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.
Having already handed the
kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change
when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front ofme[/SIZE].
"Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.
Having already handed the
kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change
when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front ofme[/SIZE].
"Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
A mere child!
Senior citizen?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.
Was he blind?
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old? Me?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]I'll show him, I thought.
I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter,
and there he was waiting with a smile.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]Before I could say a word, he held up something
and jingled it in front of me,
like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now?
A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind![/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now?
I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]Then, a few other objects came into focus:
The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,
relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.
That is when I
felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!
My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito,
only it was nowhere to be found.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,
and strode back into the restaurant one final time.
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.
All I could think was,
"What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?
At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,
and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]Elmo had no clue.
I walked back out to the truck,
and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.
He was holding up a drink and a bag.
His mother explained,
"I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]She offered these kind words:
"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.
Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.
And no, I told the officer, I'm not [/SIZE]too old to be driving this fast.
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.
I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.
I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.
Pass this on to the other "old fogies" on your list(so they can have fun laughing, too).
Notice the larger type?
That's for those of us who have trouble reading.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet withchocolate!!!!![/SIZE]
[SIZE=26pt]Oops, did I send this to you already?[/SIZE]
chnlisle
Post Master
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice... 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice... 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
montana-moods
Advanced Member
I plan on digitizing a scathing retort to the direction this topic has taken as soon as I find my computer........
Oh here it is ..........Now I forgot what I was gonna say.
Oh here it is ..........Now I forgot what I was gonna say.
Not fimilar with him.You can listen to KPIG on line.montana-moods said:
KPIG.com
They were the first radio station in the world to live stream their broadcast. That was back in 96 or so.
If you ever get to the Monterey Bay area tune them in 107.5 Watsonville/Freedom or 97.9 San Louis Obispo.
It's realy worth the listen.Maybe you knew about the KFAT 94.5 station from Gilroy. KPIG evolved from them.
Frank
