I need to hear a good new joke

[SIZE=18pt]The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a Beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who Owns the Big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought You'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,"Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him This time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,
[/SIZE]​
[SIZE=18pt]"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"[/SIZE]​
 
Make sure that you understand the question first....
We are all reaching that stage where we need to keep the wax out of our ears
and keep the hearing aids tuned up.

What Is Couple Sex?


An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is a couple sex?
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?
The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.
 
Not quite a joke...............................................

A toothpaste factory had a problem - they occasionally shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with buyers and distributors. Knowing how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. A highly recommended firm was eventually hired. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated and third-parties selected. Six months and $8 million later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone on the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a "loud bell" and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box "weighed less" than it should. The line would stop and someone would walk over; remove the defective box; and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory. With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections. However, in the next three weeks, there were "zero" empty boxes; the estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment and they verified the report was accurate. Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the "precision" scale was installed and observed that just ahead of the $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 dollar desk fan blowing empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about. "Oh that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang to re-start the line."
 
[SIZE=10pt]A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"[/SIZE]
 
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old car parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Frank, a man of few words,stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.

He didn't explain, defend, or deny anything. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his car in front of Mildred's house, walked home and left it there all night.
 
An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"
 
Another twist to an old one........................

[SIZE=10pt]A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem... How to carry his entire purchases home.

The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" said the biker, and out the door he went.

In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost, and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane.

The biker said, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane." We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time".

The little old lady looked the biker over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."[/SIZE]
 
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. " He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
 
A country story...........................


A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came back to the doctor's office..

"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked real good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."
 
Top Ten Signs You Had A Bad Thanksgiving
10.”You ran out of booze by 11 a.m.”
9.”Most frequently used word at dinner: Heimlich”
8.”Meal was leftovers from last Thanksgiving”
7.”Thanks to new electric knife, kids fought over wishbone and your severed thumb”
6.”The ‘turkey’ was wearing a dog collar”
5.”Spent day in Times Square waiting for the giant turkey to drop”
4.”Woke up from tryptophan-induced sleep to find yourself naked in the driveway”
3.”When dinner came out, so did your son”
2.”Laura and the twins lock you out”
1.”Your turkey dinner was the only breast you’ve touched all year”

 
"As God is my witness,I thought turkeys could fly..."
My favorite line.
If you watch closely to Johnnie Fever at one point it looks like he is doing an unscripted laugh.
Thanks to sharing.
Frank
 
Why old men don't get hired...

Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man : "I don't really give a **** what you think.
 
Casa Escarlata Robles Too said:
"As God is my witness,I thought turkeys could fly..."
My favorite line.
If you watch closely to Johnnie Fever at one point it looks like he is doing an unscripted laugh.
Thanks to sharing.
Frank
Click to expand...
They can't-god I forgot that old show!

Smoke
 
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