I need to hear a good new joke

An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13 foot Brown bear beginning to charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet.
But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its' right paw to strike him.
"OH MY GOD!..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving...
As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around.
"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"VERY WELL," said God.
The light went out.
The river ran.
The sounds of the forest resumed... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."
 
Two very popular bavarian guys , Charly and Lucky, went out for camping.

In the first night a snake appeared in Charlys sleeping bag. While waking up and stretching the snake bite in his best part . Charly jumped out crying and holding both hands between his legs.
"Lucky. Call the Doctor! ask him what to do!"
Lucky took his cell phone and called the doc:
"Hi Doctor. A snake bite Charly and then disappeared."
"Which snake?"
"A very small red snake with black head!"
" Oh, Lucky ! this snake is very, very toxic. Charly will die in two hours! You have to suck the poison out of the wound immediately! its Danger of Life for Charly!!!"

Charly asked: " What did the doctor tell you ?"
"You have to die!"
 
A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a
high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part
of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and
wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the
toughest students in the school. The smart-ass punks,
having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine,
were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his
discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher
opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a
strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and
stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence.....
The rest of the year went very smoothly.
 
THE FUNERAL

A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As the minister was not familiar with the backwoods area, he became lost; and being a typical man he did not stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late.

He saw the crew, eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. He apologized to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers he would not hold them long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. He poured out his heart and soul. As he preached, the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory," he preached, and he preached, like he'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

He closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to his car. He felt he had done his duty for the homeless man and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness.

As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like this before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years!"
 
[SIZE=10pt]It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.

That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"[/SIZE]
 
I'm not sure this'll make the cut but I'll try.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
 
This isn't a joke really but a friend sent it to me and it made me laugh. Brought back memories of laughing at these guys years ago.

 
The Indian, the Jew
and the Polak
Three travelers, one from India, one a Jew and the third a Polak are having trouble finding a room for the night.
After much searching, they finally find an Inn with only two beds left. The innkeeper offers to let the third one of them sleep in the barn.
They draw straws for the two beds, and the Indian is sent off to the barn for the night.
But within five minutes of the Jew and the Polak turning off the lights and going to bed, there is a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the door. They open the door and there is the Indian.
"I cannot sleep in the barn," says the Indian, "I am Hindu and there is a cow in the barn. Cows are sacred to us so I cannot sleep under the same roof as one."
The Jew volunteers to go to sleep in the barn.
But within five minutes of the Polak and the Indian turning off the lights and going to bed, there is a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the door. They open the door and there is the Jew.
"I can't sleep in the barn either," says the Jew, "there's a pig in the barn, and if I sleep in hay that a pig has touched, I may get some in my mouth and that wouldn't be kosher."
So the Polak ventures out to go to sleep in the barn.
But within five minutes of the Indian and the Jew turning off the lights and going to bed, there is a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the door. They open the door and there is the cow and the pig.
 
I've seen lots of cold weather jokes lately. This one made me laugh pretty good:

Weather Conditions

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Northern Minnesota.
She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.
The temperature is 32 below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
Wind chill is -59. Her husband Howie has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bastard in.
 
takesiteasy said:
I've seen lots of cold weather jokes lately. This one made me laugh pretty good:

Weather Conditions

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Northern Minnesota.
She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.
The temperature is 32 below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
Wind chill is -59. Her husband Howie has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bastard in.
Click to expand...
Al that may not be a joke.Truth is stranger than fiction.
Hope you are staying warm there in the cold Minnesota weather.
Frank
 
A priest, a preacher and a rabbi were sitting in their favorite bar talking shop when one of them said he thought preaching to people just wasn't that hard to do. One thing lead to another and they devised an experiment. They would all go into the woods, preach to a bear and try to convert it.

A week later they met to compare notes. Father Flannery was on crutches with his arm in a sling and had bandages all over his face. He said "I found a bear and started to read to him from the catechism. The bear wanted nothing to do with me and started slapping me around. I quickly grabbed my holy water and sprinkled him and he became gentle as a lamb. Next week the bishop is giving him communion and confirmation."

The preacher was even more beat up then the priest and was in a wheel chair. He said as you know brothers we don't sprinkle. I could see as I preached fire and brimstone to the bear he wanted nothing to do with it. So I grabbed him and we started to wrestle. We wrestled up one hill and down another for hours. Finally we fell into a stream and I baptized his hairy soul. He became gentle as a lamb and we spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.

They both looked down at the rabbi lying in a hospital bed in a full body cast with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was really in bad shape. He looked back up at his friends and said "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
 
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop
and asked, 'How long before I can get a
haircut'?
The barber looked around the shop full
of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left
but did not return that day.

A few days later, the same guy stuck
his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can
get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop
and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left and again, did
not return that day.

A week later, the same guy stuck his
head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get
a haircut? The barber looked around the shop and said,
'About an hour and a half.' The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and
said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor follow him and see
where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait
for a haircut, but he never comes back later.

A little while later, Bob returned to
the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does
he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his
eyes and said,

'Your house! '
 
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny:
"36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Johnny, after a moment, "Legs." Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants" Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?" Johnny: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself!
 
The things we learn...

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.

When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.

When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

Warn all your friends.
 
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