I need to hear a good new joke

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient.
“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”
“Sam,” the man moaned.
“Where ya from, Sam?” With pain in his voice Sam replied “the balcony.”
 
[SIZE=10pt]Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS[/SIZE]
 
These latest jokes remind me of my brother who loves to sing. He sang in a concert. He voice filled the hall. People left to make room for it.
 
[SIZE=10pt]Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground.

After the brothel's destruction, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer”.

Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church..."was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's response. At the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case. It appears from the paperwork that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer and an entire church congregation that claims it’s all BS!"[/SIZE]
 
[SIZE=18pt]A COWBOY TOMBSTONE :[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the "Coolest Headstone" contest.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes to be with you.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.[/SIZE]
 
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. Dorothy says, "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna replies, "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm. He is dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit. He brings me such beautiful flowers! He takes me downstairs, and what's there? A limousine, a uniformed chauffeur and all. He takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! Then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!!!"
Dorothy, "Goodness gracious! So………….are you telling me I shouldn't go??"
Edna’ "No, no, no... course not... I'm just saying, wear an old dress".
 
Southern Baptist Bra

A man walks into the lingerie department of Macy's in New York City . He tells the sales lady, 'I would like a Southern Baptist bra for my wife, size--34B.'

With a quizzical look the sales lady asks, 'What kind of bra?'
He repeats, 'A Southern Baptist bra. My wife said to tell you that she wanted a Southern Baptist bra, and that you would know what she wanted.'

'Oh, yes, now I understand,' says the sales lady. 'We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.'
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asks, 'So, what are the differences?'

The sales lady responds. 'It's really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.'

He muses on that information for a minute and says, 'Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Southern Baptist bra do?'
'Ah,' she replied, 'the Southern Baptist bra makes mountains out of molehills!!!'
 
The Post Office Interview

A guy goes into the post office looking for a job.
The interviewer asks,"Are you allergic to any thing" "Yes" the man replies,"caffeine, I can't drink coffee".
"O.K., have you ever been in the military" the interviewer asks, "yes" the man says "one tour in Iraq".
The interviewer says,"that will give you five points toward employment"
"Are you disabled in any way" the interviewer asks.
"Yes" the man replies. A bomb went off near where I was standing, and it blew off both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says " O.K., right now you have enough points for employment. Normal business hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., you can come in at 10 a.m. tomorrow and everyday after that".
Puzzled, the man asks' "If normal business hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come in at 10?
The interviewer replies,"This is a government job, for the first 2 hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls, and there's no point in you coming in for that".
 
A pirate walks into a bar with a big ships wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says "excuse me sir but do you know you have a ships wheel down the front of your pants?" And the pirate says......

Aaargh , it's driving me nuts."
 
the fisherman said:
The Post Office Interview

A guy goes into the post office looking for a job.
The interviewer asks,"Are you allergic to any thing" "Yes" the man replies,"caffeine, I can't drink coffee".
"O.K., have you ever been in the military" the interviewer asks, "yes" the man says "one tour in Iraq".
The interviewer says,"that will give you five points toward employment"
"Are you disabled in any way" the interviewer asks.
"Yes" the man replies. A bomb went off near where I was standing, and it blew off both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says " O.K., right now you have enough points for employment. Normal business hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., you can come in at 10 a.m. tomorrow and everyday after that".
Puzzled, the man asks' "If normal business hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come in at 10?
The interviewer replies,"This is a government job, for the first 2 hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls, and there's no point in you coming in for that".
Click to expand...
Good one,our tax dollars at work.
Frank
 
chnlisle said:
A pirate walks into a bar with a big ships wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says "excuse me sir but do you know you have a ships wheel down the front of your pants?" And the pirate says......

Aaargh , it's driving me nuts."
Click to expand...
I can always depend on a good laugh most every day.
Thanks,Frank
 
Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence . 'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: 'A pumpkin? **** ...is it midnight already?'

The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as 'Best come-back line ever.'
 
An elderly couple were about to get married.
She said, “I want to keep my house.”
He said, “That’s fine with me.”
She said, “I want to keep my Mercedes.”
He said, “That’s fine with me.”
She said, “I want to have sex six times a week.”
He said, “Put me down for Fridays.”
 
Two old friends meet in Heaven

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia.
How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.
 
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.
"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."

"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I must have left my baby on the bus!"
 
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