I need to hear a good new joke

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has, so he asks his sheepdog to count them.

The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.

"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"

"40," replies the dog.

"What? How can there be 40?!" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"

"I know," says the dog. "I rounded them up."
 
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
 
I have been waiting to find something worthy of contribution to this fine thread and think I finally am able to. This is for all the fellow car lovers out there…



A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream
“Where did you get that car?” He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there!
Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that’s exactly what I did.”
 
An elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 AM the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

hat Tip: Ace of Spades
 
From Ace of Spades:

IMG_4242.jpg
 
Rather than lessons, I believe Monte was self-taught. Not only does that get you a straight pass into heaven, it gives you martyr status.
 
Classic! What is the definition of perfect pitch? When you throw your accordion in a dumpster and it hits a banjo…
 
Found this one on the internet:


A man receives a message from a neighbour....
"Sorry sir I am using your wife...day and night... When you are not present at home...In fact , much more than you do . I confess this now because I am feeling very guilty . Hope you will accept my sincere apologies."


The man is down with a heart attack and admitted to hospital


The next day he receives another message
"Sorry sir spelling mistake , it's not wife but wifi".
 
Manfred65 said:
Found this one on the internet:


A man receives a message from a neighbour....
"Sorry sir I am using your wife...day and night... When you are not present at home...In fact , much more than you do . I confess this now because I am feeling very guilty . Hope you will accept my sincere apologies."


The man is down with a heart attack and admitted to hospital


The next day he receives another message
"Sorry sir spelling mistake , it's not wife but wifi".
Click to expand...
Good one .I hate it when that happens.
Frank
 
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