BobM
Senior Member
- Joined
- Nov 2, 2011
- Messages
- 730
Here's a few bad ones
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Really-long-jokes-with-a-lame-punchline/292319984146708
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Really-long-jokes-with-a-lame-punchline/292319984146708
I need to hear a good new joke
- Thread starter ski3pin
- Start date
At the rate our winter rains are going,we won't even have ice.So drink it straight up.Wandering Sagebrush said:
Frank
Manfred65
Senior Member
A thief breaks into a house at night. Just as he sneaks through the pitch-black living room, he hears a voice:
"I see you and Jesus sees you, too!"
He is frightened to death, turns on his flashlight and looks on a pole in the corner sitting a parrot:
"I see you and Jesus sees you, too!"
The burglar a little more relaxed: "Wow! You got me quite scared! How's your name?" "Elfriede"
"Elfriede is surely a really rare stupid name for a parrot!"
Grinning the bird: "So, Jesus is also a rare stupid name for a Rottweiler!"
"I see you and Jesus sees you, too!"
He is frightened to death, turns on his flashlight and looks on a pole in the corner sitting a parrot:
"I see you and Jesus sees you, too!"
The burglar a little more relaxed: "Wow! You got me quite scared! How's your name?" "Elfriede"
"Elfriede is surely a really rare stupid name for a parrot!"
Grinning the bird: "So, Jesus is also a rare stupid name for a Rottweiler!"
chnlisle
Post Master
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
billharr
Senior Member
[SIZE=18pt]I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of [/SIZE][SIZE=18pt]dollars[/SIZE][SIZE=18pt] for dinner.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]I took out my wallet, extracted ten [/SIZE][SIZE=18pt]dollars[/SIZE][SIZE=18pt] and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."[/SIZE]
craig333
Riley's Human
Rofl. Never heard that one before.
chnlisle
Post Master
I was in Bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish so I approached and asked "are you lassies from Scotland?" One of them angerly screeched it's Wales you bloody idiot, Wales!
So I apologized and said "are you three whales from Scotland?"
That was the last thing I remember!
So I apologized and said "are you three whales from Scotland?"
That was the last thing I remember!
OP
OP
How I’ll probably die.
A couple had been married for over 30 years. The man was regaining consciousness in a hospital bed, recovering after being shot by his wife. She was standing by the bed holding his hand.
“Why did to shoot me?” he asked.
“You told me to!” her answer.
“What!”
“Remember shortly after we married. We saw an old guy with white legs in plaid shorts. You said, ‘If I ever dress like that shoot me.’”
A couple had been married for over 30 years. The man was regaining consciousness in a hospital bed, recovering after being shot by his wife. She was standing by the bed holding his hand.
“Why did to shoot me?” he asked.
“You told me to!” her answer.
“What!”
“Remember shortly after we married. We saw an old guy with white legs in plaid shorts. You said, ‘If I ever dress like that shoot me.’”
OP
OP
The only cow in a small town in Texas stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found they could buy a super milk cow up in Antigo, Wisconsin, for $2,000.00.
They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Wisconsin?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Wisconsin."
The people did some research and found they could buy a super milk cow up in Antigo, Wisconsin, for $2,000.00.
They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Wisconsin?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Wisconsin."
Forwarding that one for sure.
Good one Ski.You always have the best"PC" jokes.
Frank
Frank
A man walks into a music store and wants to buy a good, old-fashioned vinyl record. He gets the record and is ready to check out when he discovers that he forgot his wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decides to steal the record. So he sticks it down his pants.
Of course, the cashier spots him on the way out and says, "Hey! Is that a record in your pants?"
The man replies, "Well, it may not be a record but, I haven't heard any complaints."
Of course, the cashier spots him on the way out and says, "Hey! Is that a record in your pants?"
The man replies, "Well, it may not be a record but, I haven't heard any complaints."
chnlisle
Post Master
Ok!
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighborhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet.
Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!
The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your it get that big? I couldn't help but notice..."
Bubba laughed and said, "Every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times. Heck, it impresses the girls at school!"
The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself.
Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when the wife sits up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and said, "Is that you, Bubba?"
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighborhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet.
Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!
The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your it get that big? I couldn't help but notice..."
Bubba laughed and said, "Every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times. Heck, it impresses the girls at school!"
The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself.
Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when the wife sits up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and said, "Is that you, Bubba?"
Smokecreek1
Smokecreek1
good one!
Smoke
Smoke
chnlisle
Post Master
I'm not sure this will pass but I'll clean it up the best I can and give a shot.
After 15 years a guy excapes from San Quentin. He breaks into a house and finds a young couple in bed. He forces the young man into a chair and duck tapes him there. He leans over the woman and kisses her neck, then he goes into the bathroom. The man whispers to his wife "Honey this man probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. Do whatever he says of he might kill us. Be strong honey I love you. The wife leans over and whispers He wasn't kissing my neck he whispered in my ear that he was gay and thought you were cute. So he asked if we had any lube, I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey love you too."
After 15 years a guy excapes from San Quentin. He breaks into a house and finds a young couple in bed. He forces the young man into a chair and duck tapes him there. He leans over the woman and kisses her neck, then he goes into the bathroom. The man whispers to his wife "Honey this man probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. Do whatever he says of he might kill us. Be strong honey I love you. The wife leans over and whispers He wasn't kissing my neck he whispered in my ear that he was gay and thought you were cute. So he asked if we had any lube, I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey love you too."
You did a good job on that one Jay,thanks.
Frank
Frank
billharr
Senior Member
Profound Thought For The Day
" It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without using violence. "
" It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without using violence. "
chnlisle
Post Master
Around 3 AM on a Tuesday an older guy gets pulled over by a cop. The cop ask him where he's going. He tells the cop he's going to a lecture on the evils of the heavy use of alcohol and staying out late with easy women. So the cop says "oh yeah at this hour? Who's giving the lecture?" The old fart says "that would be my wife."
Lighthawk
Weekend warrior
Oh man, I don't check this thread very often and then find Jay dropping this bomb.chnlisle said:
Morals here apparently run as wild as the wanderers we all be.
chnlisle
Post Master
Three women are in the locker room dressing up to play racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his unit. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his member.
"He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the unit.
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his unit. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his member.
"He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the unit.
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."
