I need to hear a good new joke

A man in bavaria bought a parrot to make his children happy.
They had a lot of fun with this clear speaking bird.

One day the phone rang and the parrot grabbed it:
" Hello ?"
" Hello, your coal merchant calling. You need some coal!"'
" one ton of coals please!"

The coal was delivered and because no one opened the door they dumped it in the drive way"

Father arrived at home and asked everyone if they ordered the coal. At last the parrot was asked and he yelled.

"i ordered the coal!"

Next day the same thing. one ton of coal in the driveway !

The father asked all again and the parrot said: " Yes, i ordered the coal!"

"If you order another ton of coals i will nail you to the wall !!"

The next day the Father arrived at home and found three tons of coal in frint of the house.

He ran into the house , grabbed the parrot and his staple gun and "shot" the bird on to the wall, next to the cruzifix in the corner of the dining room.

The parrot was slightly shocked, looked around. He looked at Jesus Christ on his cross next to him and asked him.


"Hey guy ! How much coal did you order ? "
 
We're leaving for Habana in a couple of days so I thought I'd leave you with this.

Shroedinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

Adios Y'all see you on Dec. 5th.
 
chnlisle said:
We're leaving for Habana in a couple of days so I thought I'd leave you with this.
Shroedinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.
Adios Y'all see you on Dec. 5th.
Click to expand...
So was the cat alive or dead, the world doesn't know. BTW, happy 126th Shroedinger!

Have fun in Havana!
 
image.jpg
 
[SIZE=18pt]YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A "DOG PERSON" TO TRULY APPRECIATE THIS STORY[/SIZE]







[SIZE=36pt]S[/SIZE][SIZE=24pt]tay[/SIZE]





[SIZE=18pt]I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the[/SIZE][SIZE=18pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=18pt]local shopping center and rolled down the car windows[/SIZE]


[SIZE=18pt]to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.[/SIZE]





[SIZE=18pt]She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=18pt]I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,[/SIZE]



[SIZE=18pt]"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"[/SIZE]



[SIZE=18pt]"Stay! Stay!"[/SIZE]



[SIZE=24pt]The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said, [/SIZE]





[SIZE=24pt]"Why don't you just put[/SIZE][SIZE=24pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=24pt]it[/SIZE][SIZE=24pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=24pt]in 'Park'?"[/SIZE]
 
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and yells at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What in the world are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius? I don't think so. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
 
My version of this great joke is the guy who discovers a talking horse. Not only does the horse talk but claims to have won the Kentucky Derby. The man strikes a bargain with the farmer who owns the horse and then takes off before the farmer can change his mind. The farmerlooks at the wad of money in his hand and yells, "Hey, he told you the one about winning the Derby, didn't he?"
 
And then there's the famous three legged pig...


A traveling salesman stays overnight with a farm family. When the family gathers to eat there’s a pig seated at the table. And the pig has three medals hanging around his neck and a peg leg. The salesman says, “Um, I see you have a pig having dinner with you.”
“Yes,” says the farmer. “That’s because he’s a very special pig. You see those medals around his neck? Well, the first medal is from when our youngest son fell in the pond, and he was drowning, and that pig swam out and saved his life. The second medal, that’s from when the barn caught fire and our little daughter was trapped in there and the pig ran inside, carried her out and saved her life. And the third medal, that’s from when our oldest boy was cornered in the stock yard by a mean bull, and that pig ran under the fence and bit the bull on the tail and saved the boy’s life.”
“Yes,” says the salesman, “I can see why you let that pig sit right at the table and have dinner with you. And I can see why you awarded him the medals. But how did he get the peg leg?”
“Well,” says, the farmer, “a pig like that–you don’t eat him all at once.”
 





A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to
'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands
and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people
that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to
know your grandchildren.


Love,
Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a
Report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it is safe to come home.​
 
Wandering Sagebrush said:
And then there's the famous three legged pig............
Click to expand...
and then there's U Utah Phillips famous story about the prize bull with the moose call shoved up its butt..........................

one of my favorites. :)
 
ski3pin said:
and then there's U Utah Phillips famous story about the prize bull with the moose call shoved up its butt..........................

one of my favorites. :)
Click to expand...
Haven't heard that one of his.
He was quite a story teller.
Saw him 8 or so years ago with Rosalie Sorrels over in Santa Cruz. Great show.
Also thanks for the laughs
Frank
 
ski3pin said:
and then there's U Utah Phillips famous story about the prize bull with the moose call shoved up its butt..........................

one of my favorites. :)
Click to expand...
OK, you need to publish. Sounds as good as the moose turd pie story.
 
The way they do it in Australia!?


This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of VB beer cheap at the local supermarket.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of bevvy, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...

I thought for a few seconds and asked: "What kind of beer 'ya got?"
 
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