chnlisle
Post Master
GROAN!
I need to hear a good new joke
- Thread starter ski3pin
- Start date
He's a sWheat dog, but a real loafer. If he doesn't clean up his act, he's toast!ski3pin said:
Jay, now your groan is appropriate.
OP
OP
dog nab it, put a leash on it Mr. SageWandering Sagebrush said:
Don't try and butter me up!ski3pin said:
PaulT
Need gumbo
Mr. Sage does have a rye sense of humor.
Paul
Paul
chnlisle
Post Master
This thread is on a roll.
Slice it any way you want.
4llamas
Senior Member
Can he heel?
Nah, just sits on his buns!4llamas said:
4llamas
Senior Member
Wandering Sagebrush said:
chnlisle
Post Master
OK I'm putting his to rest. This is true. Last week while in Pasadena for my moms 97th birthday I broke out with shingles even though I had the shingles vaccination.
I gotta tell you this really gets on my nerves!
I gotta tell you this really gets on my nerves!
Well, a pox on those chickens. Where's Col. Sanders when you need him!chnlisle said:
On the serious side, sorry to hear about the shingles!!
billharr
Senior Member
Sad but it has come to be.Wandering Sagebrush said:
We had our shots several years ago,but Shar got a case of them 2 years ago,but maybe not as bad if she hadn't had the shot. Is what the doc said.chnlisle said:
It's still a good idea to get the shot.IMO
Frank
A woman was outside pulling weeds on a hot
summer day when her husband walked up and asked
her what they were having for dinner.
Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the
air conditioned house while she labored away on
the weeds, she snapped, "I can't believe you're
asking me about supper right now! Pretend I'm
out of town, go inside and make dinner
yourself!"
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a
big steak, potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall
beer.
His wife walked in just about the time he was
finishing up and asked, "Where's my dinner?"
Huh? I thought you were out of town!
summer day when her husband walked up and asked
her what they were having for dinner.
Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the
air conditioned house while she labored away on
the weeds, she snapped, "I can't believe you're
asking me about supper right now! Pretend I'm
out of town, go inside and make dinner
yourself!"
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a
big steak, potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall
beer.
His wife walked in just about the time he was
finishing up and asked, "Where's my dinner?"
Huh? I thought you were out of town!
OP
OP
[SIZE=18pt]Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. I finally decided to go see a psychiatrist and I told him, “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]“Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of all those fears.”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]“How much do you charge?”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]“One hundred twenty-five dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]“I'll sleep on it,” I said.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]“Well, $125 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $19,500.00! A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he asked, “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]“Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of all those fears.”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]“How much do you charge?”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]“One hundred twenty-five dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]“I'll sleep on it,” I said.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]“Well, $125 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $19,500.00! A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he asked, “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”[/SIZE]
chnlisle
Post Master
The boss of a major manufacturing facility was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.
Later that morning, he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day, when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that read, "Your wife called. She wants her sign back."
Later that morning, he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day, when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that read, "Your wife called. She wants her sign back."
chnlisle
Post Master
A guy walks into a bar a sees a sign. "Free Beer For Life If You Pass The Test."
He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go make things right with her." Laughing, the man exclaims, "Well that sounds like the stupidest test I've ever heard of!" He leaves to get drunk with his friends.
Later that night, the man comes back to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk. "Ok bartender! Let's do this test!" The bartender hands him a gallon of pepper tequilla, and before he could warn him, the man starts chugging it. Teary eyed and near the point of fainting, the man finishes the gallon and slams it on the counter. Stunned, the bartender leads him out back to the alligator. A few minutes pass, and after a bunch of screaming and clatter, the man stumbles back in. His shirt is torn up and his body is bleeding profusely. He stares at the bartender and says, "Ok bartender, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"
He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go make things right with her." Laughing, the man exclaims, "Well that sounds like the stupidest test I've ever heard of!" He leaves to get drunk with his friends.
Later that night, the man comes back to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk. "Ok bartender! Let's do this test!" The bartender hands him a gallon of pepper tequilla, and before he could warn him, the man starts chugging it. Teary eyed and near the point of fainting, the man finishes the gallon and slams it on the counter. Stunned, the bartender leads him out back to the alligator. A few minutes pass, and after a bunch of screaming and clatter, the man stumbles back in. His shirt is torn up and his body is bleeding profusely. He stares at the bartender and says, "Ok bartender, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"
chnlisle
Post Master
A husband and wife were at the drive-in. The wife whispers " I'm about to make you the happiest man in the world." He whispers back "I'm going to miss you."
[SIZE=13pt]A few years ago, my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida’s southeast coast. We are living in the “Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-Hachee”.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]There are 3,000 lakes in Florida ; only three are real.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? No longer. Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]Our days are eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of our car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where we parked takes 20 minutes. It takes a half-hour in the check-out line in Wal-Mart, and 1 hour to return the item the next day.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]Let me take you through a typical day: We get up at 5:00 am, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walking Club. There are about 30 of us, and rain or shine, we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6:00 am. After a nimble walk, avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my white socks and sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap. Before we know it, it's time for lunch.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don’t have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00. We're usually back home by 2:00 pm to get ready for dinner.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]People start lining up for the early bird about 3:00 pm, but we get there by 3:45 because we're late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. We can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Splenda, along with mints.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]At 5:30 pm we're home, ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 pm we're fast asleep. Then we get up and make five or six trips to the bathroom during the night, and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]Doctor-related activities eat up most of our retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes at least a half-hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then there’s the hold time until we're connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget we're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]Should we find we still have time on our hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.’ I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4-1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]Food shopping is a problem for short seniors, or 'bottom feeders' as we call them, because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida . They convey world travelers, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live: Murray's Condos or the Lakes of Venice ? There's no difference -- they're both owned by Murray, who happens to be a cheap weasel.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida. I live in the Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach .[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]MEANING OF LIFE IN 11 WORDS –[/SIZE] [SIZE=13pt]INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]There are 3,000 lakes in Florida ; only three are real.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? No longer. Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]Our days are eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of our car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where we parked takes 20 minutes. It takes a half-hour in the check-out line in Wal-Mart, and 1 hour to return the item the next day.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]Let me take you through a typical day: We get up at 5:00 am, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walking Club. There are about 30 of us, and rain or shine, we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6:00 am. After a nimble walk, avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my white socks and sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap. Before we know it, it's time for lunch.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don’t have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00. We're usually back home by 2:00 pm to get ready for dinner.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]People start lining up for the early bird about 3:00 pm, but we get there by 3:45 because we're late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. We can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Splenda, along with mints.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]At 5:30 pm we're home, ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 pm we're fast asleep. Then we get up and make five or six trips to the bathroom during the night, and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]Doctor-related activities eat up most of our retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes at least a half-hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then there’s the hold time until we're connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget we're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]Should we find we still have time on our hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.’ I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4-1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]Food shopping is a problem for short seniors, or 'bottom feeders' as we call them, because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida . They convey world travelers, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live: Murray's Condos or the Lakes of Venice ? There's no difference -- they're both owned by Murray, who happens to be a cheap weasel.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida. I live in the Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach .[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13pt]MEANING OF LIFE IN 11 WORDS –[/SIZE] [SIZE=13pt]INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED.[/SIZE]
