I need to hear a good new joke

Because of the high cost of a nursing home, we should think about alternatives.

Please excuse the "non-perfect" translation :D


"I do not want to go to the rest home while retired, I'm going on a cruise!" When I'm old I will definitely not go into a nursing home, but on a cruise ship. The reasons for this explained to me our Health Minister Ulla Schmidt: "The average cost of a nursing home be 200 euros per day." I have tested a reservation for the cruise ship "AIDA".
For long-term travel as a pensioner I pay 135 euros per day. To me 65 euros per day remain as pocket money for leisure!
I can use for:
1. tips, min. 10 Euro per day.
2. I have several free meals in one of the 10 restaurants
or the food is delivered to my room from the room service.
3. Every night there is a variety of shows with well-known and international stars, a cultural program with theater performances and readings, the latest movies and skat and poker games.
4. The "AIDA" has 3 swimming pools, which are open all year. Fitness rooms and saunas are available all day at leisure.
5. washers, dryers, cleaning, hairdressers and shops are open around the clock.
6. In my cabin i find free toothpaste, soap, shampoo, shower gel, etc.
7. Fresh linen and towels are changed every day.
Cabin and bath cleaning daily, the Room service is included.
I do not have to ask for it!
8. The staff treated me like a customer, not as a patient.
My wishes are respected, I will not name terms or named Grandpa.
For an extra tip the steward reads me every wish from my eyes.
9. When I look at, for example, the nursing home the femoral neck break, I come in
Hospital and have a daily payment of my pension.
The personal might forget me and finally i will die of pneumonia.
10. On the "AIDA" I get an all-round care for the rest of the trip and was being treated by the ship's doctor for free. For the real thing, a surgical room and an intensive care unit are available.
But the best part is, all 8 to 14 days i will meet new people and travel around the world.
That is why looking for me in the future not in a nursing home, but on a cruise ship.

If you agree with me let´s highjack the complete cruise ship ;-)
 
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days.....

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"


The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes, I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot . "
 





Angela Merkel arrives in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."​
 
A few years ago we had a joke here in germany:

An american tourist told his tour-guide:

"I am proud to live in the United States: We have George Bush, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash!"

The german guide answered:

" Your are lucky! We have chancellor Helmut Kohl, no hope and no cash....."
 
A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane.
The man turned to him and said,"Let's Talk."
Kid: Ok,what do we talk about?
Man(Making fun of the kid): How about nuclear power?
Kid: Very interesting topic. But let me ask you a question...
Horse Cow & Deer, all eat grass. Yet deer excretes pellets, cow flat potty & horse clumps. Why?
Man: I don't know.
Child: Do you really feel qualified enough to discuss nuclear issues?
 
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great!



"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
 





How men and women record things in their diaries.

Wife's Diary

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long,
so I thought he was upset at the fact that I
was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much.


I asked him what was wrong; He said, nothing.'
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do
with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.
I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely,
as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts
were somewhere else. He fell asleep;
I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that
his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
















Husband's Diary:
Left the top up.. who the hell drives away and leave the pop top up,​
 
chnlisle said:
A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane.
The man turned to him and said,"Let's Talk."
Kid: Ok,what do we talk about?
Man(Making fun of the kid): How about nuclear power?
Kid: Very interesting topic. But let me ask you a question...
Horse Cow & Deer, all eat grass. Yet deer excretes pellets, cow flat potty & horse clumps. Why?
Man: I don't know.
Child: Do you really feel qualified enough to discuss nuclear issues?
Click to expand...
This one I like! :)
 
I guess this isn't a joke, but rather a humorous look at age and our outlook on life as we age. It comes from a signature trailer used by a member of another forum.
_____________
I'm in the third stage of life:
1-Learn to catch fish.
2-Catch fish -hopefully-
3-Work at rebuilding the endangered runs of salmonids on the West Coast

I think I'm in the third stage, too. Maybe I'm trying to make amends for my younger years.
 
Wandering Sagebrush said:
I guess this isn't a joke, but rather a humorous look at age and our outlook on life as we age. It comes from a signature trailer used by a member of another forum.
_____________
I'm in the third stage of life:
1-Learn to catch fish.
2-Catch fish -hopefully-
3-Work at rebuilding the endangered runs of salmonids on the West Coast

I think I'm in the third stage, too. Maybe I'm trying to make amends for my younger years.
Click to expand...
Yup. me too
 
Officer making a traffic stop - "Reverend, have you had anything to drink?"
Reverend - "Just water Officer."
Officer - "Then why do I smell wine?"
Reverend - "Good Lord, He's done it again!!!!"
 
An engineer returns home and finds a note on the refrigerator,
"This isn't working. I've moved back to my Mom's"
The engineer opens the refrigerator, "The light's on. Things are cold. What's the problem?"
 
The computer tech's wife had a baby and the doctor handed the newborn to the father.
The wife looked up and asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
The computer tech answered, "Yes."
 
Four preachers are driving to the hunting camp for their annual deer hunt in the UP. They are talking and decide to confess their worse sins to each other.
"My sin is lust," says the Catholic priest. "I have a bunch of dirty magazines in a drawer back at the rectory that I look at once in a while."
"Greed," the Episcopal priest says, "Greed is my sin. I never put more than a quarter in the collection plate."
"My sin is gluttony," the Lutheran pastor confesses. "Every so often I get in my car and drive to a distant town. At the drive through window I order five quarter pounders and a huge bucket of fries. I then go to a dark place and eat it all."
The Baptist minister says, "My sin is gossip and I can't wait to get home!"
 
My daughter brought her new boyfriend home for dinner. He had tattoos and piercings all over, long greasy black hair, and reeked of booze. "I have some concerns," I told my daughter when we had a moment alone.
"I know Dad," she said and took my hand. "He really is a good guy. He's doing five hundred hours of community service!"
 
My father was the chief of the volunteer fire department in the small town in Wisconsin where I was born. After a successful fund raiser, they purchased a brand new fire truck. A dedication ceremony was held; it was a big event complete with an ecumenical blessing of the new equipment. The Catholic priest sprinkled holy water on the truck, the Baptist preacher laid hands on it, and the Jewish rabbi cut an inch off the end of the hose. It was a community celebration I'll always remember.
 
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