I need to hear a good new joke
- Thread starter ski3pin
- Start date
billharr
Senior Member
True to some, a dog is better than a wife...
Here's why:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
12. And last... but not least: If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.
Here's why:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
12. And last... but not least: If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.
OP
OP
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
Vancouver Larry
New Member
A man runs into the doctors office and told the nurse "I want to be castrated"
The nurse led him into a room, when the doctor came in the man repeated "I want to be castrated At once"
The doc said are you sure thats what you wnat-You really want to be castrated? The man said thats it doc.
So the doctor set up an appointment at the hospital and did the surgery.
Next day the doc came in to check his patient, Man did you scare the heck out of me, said the doctor, I thought you wanted to be circumsized.
The man said-THAT WAS IT, I GET MIXED UP.
The nurse led him into a room, when the doctor came in the man repeated "I want to be castrated At once"
The doc said are you sure thats what you wnat-You really want to be castrated? The man said thats it doc.
So the doctor set up an appointment at the hospital and did the surgery.
Next day the doc came in to check his patient, Man did you scare the heck out of me, said the doctor, I thought you wanted to be circumsized.
The man said-THAT WAS IT, I GET MIXED UP.
OP
OP
On a bitterly cold winter's morning in Minnesota, a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."
So the good husband went out and moved their car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snow ploughs can get through".
The good husband went out and moved their car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the power went off.
The good husband was very upset and with a worried look on his face he said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"
Then, with all the love and understanding in her voice, that wives always exhibit, the wife said "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"
So the good husband went out and moved their car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snow ploughs can get through".
The good husband went out and moved their car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the power went off.
The good husband was very upset and with a worried look on his face he said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"
Then, with all the love and understanding in her voice, that wives always exhibit, the wife said "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"
generubin
Electric Baja
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
generubin
Electric Baja
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist.
"What's could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway?"
So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day the same man is back, he buys the condom, and again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves.
The pharmacist tells his clerk, go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."
The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist.
"What's could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway?"
So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day the same man is back, he buys the condom, and again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves.
The pharmacist tells his clerk, go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."
billharr
Senior Member
Pregnant lady on a bus...
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it!
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it!
I recently went to visit my family's grave site one lonely morning. I came upon this elderly gentleman just wailing so pathetically I had to walk over to him. He was kneeling on the ground weeping, so I put my arm on his shoulder. He kept crying over and over "Why did you have to die, Why????" I said to him, "I'm so sorry friend, is it your wife?" He didn't look up, he just said, "No, her first husband."
chnlisle
Post Master
One night as a couple lay in bed the husband tapped his wife on the shoulder and gently started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said I'm sorry honey but "I've got a gynocological appointment in the morning and I want to start fresh." Her husband rejected turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later he rolled back over and tapped her again and asked "do you have a dental appointment too?"
OP
OP
One night as a couple lay in bed the husband tapped his wife on the shoulder and gently started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said I'm sorry honey but "I've got a gynocological appointment in the morning and I want to start fresh." Her husband rejected turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later he rolled back over and tapped her again and asked "do you have a dental appointment too?"
This reminds me of my last (and most recent) prostate exam. Upon finishing, I asked my Doc to call the Lady and tell her my head wasn't up there.
This reminds me of my last (and most recent) prostate exam. Upon finishing, I asked my Doc to call the Lady and tell her my head wasn't up there.
chnlisle
Post Master
Please! Enough with the prostate thing. I'm trying very hard to forget.
OP
OP
Please! Enough with the prostate thing. I'm trying very hard to forget.
Humble apologies sir!
Humble apologies sir!
chnlisle
Post Master
My !#&$ accepts.
generubin
Electric Baja
Guy goes to his doctor.
'Look Mr Goldberg, I think you need to stop masturbating'
'But why?'
'Because I need to examine you'
'Look Mr Goldberg, I think you need to stop masturbating'
'But why?'
'Because I need to examine you'
4llamas
Senior Member
A reporter asks Bill Clinton, "How's Hillary's head?"
"Well, she's no Monica."
"Well, she's no Monica."
OP
OP
Since these are my people I figure its okay to get a chuckle about us
Well, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday
School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in awhile he went on Sunday.
On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection,Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to
dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena. Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck.
All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up
and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm.
When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a
cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner.
Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home
when they passed the Hot Springs Motel.
He'd struck out twice already, but he figured he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena. Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck.
He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything,
and drove back to the motel and checked in with Lena.
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed,
her blond curls on the pillow.
"Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole.
He shook Lena and she woke up.
"Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole.
"Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
"Lena said, "De same ting I alvays tell dem.
You don't have to smoke or drink to have a good time!"
Well, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday
School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in awhile he went on Sunday.
On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection,Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to
dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena. Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck.
All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up
and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm.
When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a
cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner.
Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home
when they passed the Hot Springs Motel.
He'd struck out twice already, but he figured he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena. Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck.
He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything,
and drove back to the motel and checked in with Lena.
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed,
her blond curls on the pillow.
"Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole.
He shook Lena and she woke up.
"Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole.
"Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
"Lena said, "De same ting I alvays tell dem.
You don't have to smoke or drink to have a good time!"
chnlisle
Post Master
Old Tom was sitting at the Dew Drop In when one of the regulars asked him what he'd been up to lately. He said not much but that "Gladys and his 50th anniversary was comin' up purty soon." The regular asked him what he had planned and he said "on our 25th I took Gladys to Tucson so I figger for our 50th I'll go back and git her.
OP
OP
In a church one Sunday morning, the preacher said, "Anyone with 'special
needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by
the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked,
"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand
on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed
a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in
with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,
"Leroy how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, “I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."
needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by
the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked,
"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand
on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed
a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in
with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,
"Leroy how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, “I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."
How do you know there is a Prius recall?
When you can find a parking spot in Trader Joe's and Whole Foods.
Also wine alert.Two Buck Chuck is now Two Forty nine Buck Chuck.
Frank
When you can find a parking spot in Trader Joe's and Whole Foods.
Also wine alert.Two Buck Chuck is now Two Forty nine Buck Chuck.
Frank
