I need to hear a good new joke

Woman: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Woman: How much a day?

Man: 3 six packs

Woman: How much per six pack

Man: about $10.00

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years

Woman: So 1 six pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 six packs a day which
puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the
past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been
put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound
interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Woman: No

Man: Where's your Ferrari?
 
Nice one ski3pin! A little painful to know that I might be the proud owner of an earthmobile if I had just changed my ways though. :cautious:
 
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On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the pecans.
"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me..."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see Satan and the Lord..."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan and the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done..."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
 
Mixed emotions:


A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time." She said, "Out of all of your friends, you have the biggest penis."
 
OK My guess is this won't make the cut but I'l try anyway.

His girlfriend decides instead of home she wants to go to her aunts house. Because it's out of the way she tells her boyfriend she'll get naked for him if he drives her.
He agrees and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he crashes the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go for help. She says she can't because she doesn't have any clothes on. "Take my shoe and cover your self down there and go for help!"
She does and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend's stuck! Can you help us?"
The clerk said "I don't think so he's in too far."
 
You gotta love the grade the student recieved...
 

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Some puzzling questions

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
 
Good ones Bill, thanks! Reminds me of the question - Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?


For the same reason we dial a phone number by pushing buttons.
 
A Story of a Wanderer of the West

One day, while a wanderer of the west was cutting the branch off a tree high above a river, his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, God appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The wanderer replied that his axe had fallen into water, and he needed the axe to supplement his meager retirement pension.
God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" God asked.
The wanderer replied, "No."
God again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" God asked.
Again, the wanderer of the west replied, "No."
God went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" God asked.
The wanderer replied, "Yes."
God was pleased with the wanderer’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the wanderer went home happy.
Sometime later the wanderer of the west was walking with his woman along the riverbank, and his woman fell into the river. When he cried out, God again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh God, my woman has fallen into the water!"
God went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie. "Is this your woman?" God asked.
"Yes," cried the wanderer.
God was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The wanderer of the west replied, "Oh, forgive me God. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Cameron Diaz. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. God, because I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three women in a way that they should be, so that’s why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."
And God was pleased, because the moral of this story is: Whenever a wanderer of the west lies, it is always for a good and honorable reason, and only for the benefit of others.
 
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters,
"Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back,
"I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table starts laughing hysterically.
She shakes her head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
 
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