I need to hear a good new joke

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.....

'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'

( you'll love this...)

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Missouri , West Virginia and Washington DC -- (Hm-m-m-m. How'd they miss Oklahoma?)
 
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.....

'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'

( you'll love this...)

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Missouri , West Virginia and Washington DC -- (Hm-m-m-m. How'd they miss Oklahoma?)

Good one Bill.Must be one of those "sons of the soil".
Frank
 
Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Man: Yes.

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?

Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?

Man: 15 years.

Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady Interviewer: No.

Man: So where's your Ferrari?
 
Just had to share this.
Frank
 

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An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm
for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It
was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up
nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some
apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it
over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back
some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was
a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they
all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming
out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here
to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get
out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator....'
 
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm
for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It
was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up
nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some
apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it
over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back
some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was
a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they
all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming
out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here
to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get
out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator....'


One of my old favorites, thanks! :)
 
Here's a story about Ole. I can tell stories about Ole because these are my people.

A Wisconsin farmer named Ole had a car accident. He was hit by a truck
owned by the Eversweet Company, a Harley Westover Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him
thusly:

'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine?"

Ole responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded
my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Ole said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin'
down da road.... '

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on
the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is
trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply
answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole’s answer and said
to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
cow, Bessie'.

Ole said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust
loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road
vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and
hit my trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and
Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.

By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to
move. An even vurse dan dat,, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a
groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike showed up. He
could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After
he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her
right between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me,
and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot vud you say?'
 
Ski, maybe you've heard this one, since it's been around a bit.

Ole wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.




Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Without numbers?' Ole says, 'Dat's easy.' and proceeds to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asks.

'Vot! You got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says Ole.




'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

Ole stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Dar ya go.'

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'




The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

Ole stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Dar ya go. Von hundred.'

The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

Ole leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, vich makes von hundred.'




'So, ven do I start?
 
highz, I am in tears. I am making incompressible sounds. I am holding my belly, racked with fits of laughter. First the story about Ole and then the reviews for the slicer. Thank you, thank you! :D
 
After 35 years of marriage, a husband
and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went
into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had
been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got
up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and
kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised
eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist
turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3
times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays,
I fish".
 
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly, he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding -- a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
 
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