I need to hear a good new joke

Janet H said:
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

A hippo is a big, heavy animal and a Zippo is a little lighter.


;)
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Reminds me of another language twist that was useful to confuse software that attempted to understand natural language.

Fruit flies like a banana.
Time flies like an arrow.

Paul
 
PaulT said:
Reminds me of another language twist that was useful to confuse software that attempted to understand natural language.

Fruit flies like a banana.
Time flies like an arrow.

Paul
Click to expand...
And then there's: Olive oil / Baby oil
 
billharr said:




Sound Advice​
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.

The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full?

The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed!

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things --- your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions --- and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car..

The sand is everything else --- the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children.

Spend time with your parents.

Visit with grandparents.

Take your spouse out to dinner.

Play another 18 holes of golf.

There will always be time to clean the house, fix the disposal or deal with things from your job.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.

Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers with a friend.
Click to expand...
Bill that sounds like great words to live by.
Frank
 
A computer programmer's wife tells her husband "Go to the store and and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
 
15194450_1144877208915466_8386788656025278699_o.jpg
 
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 33 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
 
There was this little snail...man did he dream... all he wanted to do was be a race car driver. He practiced and practiced and one day he decided... He went down to the track and put his name in.... when they called him in he was so excited.... he grabbed a brush and put a big "S" on his shell... and off he went..... the crowd went wild....would you look at that S-car-go!!!!!
 
buckland said:
There was this little snail...man did he dream... all he wanted to do was be a race car driver. He practiced and practiced and one day he decided... He went down to the track and put his name in.... when they called him in he was so excited.... he grabbed a brush and put a big "S" on his shell... and off he went..... the crowd went wild....would you look at that S-car-go!!!!!
Click to expand...
Groan... I love it!!!!
 
[SIZE=13.5pt]*Voted Best Scottish Short Joke*

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'[/SIZE]



[SIZE=13.5pt]To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'[/SIZE]
 
The two Cal Trans workers were walking on the job site, one in front of the other, when the the guy in front hears a squish sound behind him.

He asks the guy behind him "What was that sound?"

The guy in back says "I just stepped on a snail".

The guy in front said "Why did you do that?"

The guy in back says "I got tired of him following me around all day."
 
[SIZE=small]With Christmas close upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. [/SIZE]












[SIZE=small]As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends.[/SIZE]





[SIZE=small]Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several beers followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and a few tequila shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit. [/SIZE]


[SIZE=small]That's when I did something slightly different - I took a taxi home.[/SIZE]





[SIZE=small]Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.[/SIZE]





[SIZE=small]This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.[/SIZE]





[SIZE=small]So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.[/SIZE]





[SIZE=small]Merry Christmas[/SIZE]
 
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