I need to hear a good new joke

[SIZE=18pt]The wise old Mother Superior at the convent was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die." [/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't ever sell that cow.”[/SIZE]
 

Gandhi ... A lovely little anecdote about one of life's more interesting characters.

When Mahatma Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a professor by the name of Peters disliked him intensely and always displayed animosity towards him. And because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected, there were always "arguments" and confrontations.

One day Mr Peters was having lunch at the University dining room when Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to him. The professor said,"Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat. "Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, "You do not worry, professor. I'll fly away," and he went and sat at another table.

Peters, red with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Unhappy and frustrated, Mr Peters asked him the following question: "Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?" Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "The one with the money, of course." Mr Peters, smiling sarcastically, said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom." Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, "Each one takes what he doesn't have."

Mr Peters, by this time, was fit to be tied. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi's exam sheet the word "idiot" and handed it back to him. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk, trying hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move. A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, "Mr Peters, you autographed the sheet, but you did not give me a grade."
 
Great story Mr. Sage

One of my favorite quotes -

"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win." Gandhi
 
[SIZE=18pt]I called an old friend and asked him what he was doing.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment".[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]I was impressed …[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]On further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes, and pots, and pans, with hot water … under his wife's supervision.[/SIZE]
 
A Roman Legionnaire walk into a bar and asks for a Martinus.

"You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.

The Legionnaire replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"
 
Tuff Guy 62 said:
A Roman Legionnaire walk into a bar and asks for a Martinus.

"You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.

The Legionnaire replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"
Click to expand...
image.jpeg
 
Tuff Guy 62 said:
A Roman Legionnaire walk into a bar and asks for a Martinus.

"You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.

The Legionnaire replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"
Click to expand...
I like it!
 
A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I'm addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don't follow you."

#twitteraddiction
 
[SIZE=18pt]The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the bar just outside the American Legion Post. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]A ragged old Army ground pounder was standing near the edge with a fishing line in the puddle.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]A curious young Marine fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]"Fishing," the old sergeant simply said.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]"Poor old fool," the Marine officer thought to himself, and he invited the old Army soldier into the bar for a drink.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the haughty fighter pilot asked, "So how many have you caught today?"[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]"You're number ten" the old Army sergeant answered. “2 Air Force, 3 Navy, and 5 Marines. Pretty good day so far, I’m almost at my limit”. [/SIZE]
 
A German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs . Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
 
At the civil engineering firm the lead man came back from lunch with a beautiful white bicycle The other men looked at it in awe and had never seen anything like it before. His partner asked him where he got it and he said "I was in the park eating lunch on a bench and this woman rode up and dropped it on the ground, took off all her clothes, stood there with her arms in the air and said TAKE ANYTHING YOU WANT! His partner shot back "those clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway!


Sent from my iPhone using Wander The West
 





Sound Advice​
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.

The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full?

The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed!

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things --- your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions --- and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car..

The sand is everything else --- the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children.

Spend time with your parents.

Visit with grandparents.

Take your spouse out to dinner.

Play another 18 holes of golf.

There will always be time to clean the house, fix the disposal or deal with things from your job.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.

Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers with a friend.
 
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

A hippo is a big, heavy animal and a Zippo is a little lighter.


;)
 
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