I need to hear a good new joke

Two statisticians went duck hunting. A mallard flew overhead and one statistician fired, missing to the right. The other statistician fired missing to the left.

They turned to each other in glee and congratulated themselves......"on average he's dead!" they exclaimed.

Happily, the mallard continued on his migration.
 
Last time I tried to have sex, my eyes started itching and burning. And I was having trouble breathing. So I visited my doctor and he did some tests. The results came back. It was the pepper spray.
 





An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."


Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $$. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.


Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"


Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."


Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"


Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!
You've got your taste back. That will be $500.


Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.


Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."


Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."


Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"


Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be $500."


Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.


Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so,
" Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."


Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.​
 
[SIZE=12pt]Elmer played banjo in his high school's band in Ely. He was a great musician, but a really poor student. At graduation, he didn't have enough credits. But, Elmer was a great banjo player and all the students loved him and held a rally in his honor. They demanded the principal give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the principal agreed that if Elmer could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma. The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place; it was standing room only. The principal was on the stage and asked Elmer to come up. Diploma in hand, the principal said, "Elmer, if you can answer this one question correctly I will give you your diploma. Elmer, how much is three times seven?" Elmer looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, up at the ceiling again and back at his shoes, pondering the question. The other students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!" Then Elmer held up his hand and the auditorium became silent.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]He said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one." A hush fell over the auditorium and then all the other students began to chant, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!" [/SIZE]
 
[SIZE=18pt]Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Chicago , when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]shaking in fear.

"What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.

"No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicago .
The people are crazy there, right? Lots of shootings,
gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the
nation."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll
your kids in a nice private school. I've worked
there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh,
thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you've
lived and worked there all those years and
say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What
do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."[/SIZE]
 
Casa Escarlata Robles Too said:
...................................................a tail gunner".
I could understand if the truck was carrying say Pliney the Younger,
but Bud..............................................?.
Frank
Click to expand...
Made my day, Mr. Casa! I can imagine a butch of geezers chasing down a Russian River Brewing truck. :)
 
Bud for babes
 

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ski3pin said:
Made my day, Mr. Casa! I can imagine a butch of geezers chasing down a Russian River Brewing truck. :)
Click to expand...
I'm not so sure about chasing the tuck.... But I can see them setting a well planned trap.

Over the years I have learned to work smarter not harder
 
Two musicians (insert your favorite instrument, if you like), living in America's heartland, were sitting on a bench talking. One musician asks the other, "Which do you think is farther way, Florida or the moon?"
"Come on!" the second exclaims, "What a silly question. Can you see Florida?"
 
What is the shortest sentence in the English language?

I am.

What is the longest sentence in the English language?

I do.
 
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