OP
OP
And there are probably folks that would line up to buy it. 9 trees coming down on the property Wednesday. I'm looking for buyers for firewood. I won't charge extra if you'd like to turn it into "artisan" firewood and kindling.
I need to hear a good new joke
- Thread starter ski3pin
- Start date
Stalking Light
Feral Grandpa
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward
him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses
and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you
give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response..
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech,miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U..S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of
equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you
don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about
cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ....
Now give me back my dog.
pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward
him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses
and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you
give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response..
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech,miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U..S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of
equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you
don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about
cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ....
Now give me back my dog.
That is a great one and how true.
Frank
Frank
Tuff Guy 62
Senior Member
Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar . Using a hand held radar device, the officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off. Just then a deafening roar overhead at tree top level revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet.
Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:
Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.
The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.
Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.
Thank you for your concern.
Semper Fi
Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:
Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.
The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.
Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.
Thank you for your concern.
Semper Fi
SeatoSea
Advanced Member
And it takes 5 years to open the thread to read about lite bulbs only to find that the technology has changed to LED!!!ntsqd said:
Stalking Light
Feral Grandpa
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the
sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie
for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the
Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, and one of Ken's Friends.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the
sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie
for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the
Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, and one of Ken's Friends.
Boy isn't that the truth.Stalking Light said:
Barbie got the gold mine and Ken got the shaft.
Frank
well put.
OP
OP
Let's have a look at Ken's house, car, boat, etc., before we pass any judgement. That might be a bargain price for the Divorced Barbie. 
ntsqd
Custom User Title
How much do you suppose we can get for one of Ken's friend's?
chnlisle
Post Master
Since we've moved to a small town in SE (St. Marys) GA my dog Abby started chasing people on bikes.
It got so bad I had to take her bike away.
It got so bad I had to take her bike away.
Hey Jay nice to hear from you.
How are things down south?
Frank
How are things down south?
Frank
OP
OP
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws and the end of its paws, and one is a pause at the end of a clause.
One has claws and the end of its paws, and one is a pause at the end of a clause.
Tuff Guy 62
Senior Member
Don't ever marry an apostrophe, they're way too possessive.
The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was very tense!
CougarCouple
Senior Member
Had to visit my psychiatrist recently. Very realistic dream, reoccurring almost nightly. My psychiatrist patiently listened while I explained my dream. I start out in the dream that I'm a wigwam, and then I become a tepee. Is that it my Dr asked smiling. Do you know what it is,can you help me? Certainly he said it's easy, your two tense.
Good night all . Russ
Good night all . Russ
I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.
Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."
"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
"OK," I said, "Then I want to die after Congress gets some work done."
"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.
Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."
"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
"OK," I said, "Then I want to die after Congress gets some work done."
"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.
Tuff Guy 62
Senior Member
An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy. The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter. The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"
The English guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle"."Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"
"Sure", Says the Englishman.The American rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.
The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.
About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them. The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks". The Englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?".
The English guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle"."Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"
"Sure", Says the Englishman.The American rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.
The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.
About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them. The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks". The Englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?".
There's more truth to that than joke.JaSAn said:
Frank
hebegebe
Senior Member
A deer a duck and a giraffe walk into a bar... after several rounds of drinks the check comes... the deer says I had a buck but I don't know where it is, the duck says I have a bill but I can't break it, the giraffe says Ok! High balls are on me!
