I need to hear a good new joke

A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the Station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon. The wagon had little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet and the wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter strolled over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck!" the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thank you sir!" the little girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could have a faster response time to the fire."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
 
NOT ALL SENIORS ARE SENILE

[SIZE=12pt]A balding, white haired man from Naples, Florida , walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt] The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt] At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000’ the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt] The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt] On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir... There's no money in that account.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt] 'I know,' said the old man... 'But let me tell you about my weekend!’[/SIZE]
 
A banjo player was driving to a gig and noticed he was low on gas. He pulled into a station and while he filled up, noticed he had locked the keys in his car. He went in and paid for the gas and asked for a coat hanger to jimmy the lock. He said this had happened before. Fifteen minutes later the attendant went out to check on progress. The banjo player was working away, moving the wire from side to side. The guitar player inside was directing, "A little to the right. No, too far! Back to the left a little."
 
[SIZE=12pt] [/SIZE]































[SIZE=11pt]Tom
was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business. [/SIZE]



[SIZE=11pt] [/SIZE]



[SIZE=11pt]When
he found out he was going to inherit a fortune once his sickly father
died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his
fortune [/SIZE]



[SIZE=11pt] [/SIZE]



[SIZE=11pt]One
evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman
he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. [/SIZE]



[SIZE=11pt] [/SIZE]



[SIZE=11pt]"I
may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a
few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million
dollars." [/SIZE]



[SIZE=11pt] [/SIZE]



[SIZE=11pt]Impressed,
the woman obtained his business card. [/SIZE]



[SIZE=11pt] [/SIZE]



[SIZE=11pt]Two
weeks later, she became his stepmother. [/SIZE]



[SIZE=11pt] [/SIZE]


[SIZE=11pt]Women
are so much better at estate planning than
men![/SIZE]
 
The Girls Inherit...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette,
inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and
haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and
decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it
for $599.00, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town
to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the
telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister
telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch
the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it
home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the
brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to
send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here
to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly......'com-for-da-bul.'
 
If Dr. Seuss did Technical Writing

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot it and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, that sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
and you have to flash your memory and you want to RAM your ROM,
quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom.

:p
 
There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what
is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said,
'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied;
'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should
have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the
problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if
the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes,
and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice..
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...
 
A fellow sent a text message to his wife from the pub.

"Mary, I'm just having one more pint with the lads. If I'm not home in twenty minutes, read this message again."
 
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Bob and his wife Carol listened to the instructor explain, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to one another."

He then addressed the men. "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Bob leaned over and gently touched Carol's arm. He softly whispered, "Gold Medal - All Purpose, isn't it?"
 
ski3pin said:
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Bob and his wife Carol listened to the instructor explain, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to one another."

He then addressed the men. "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Bob leaned over and gently touched Carol's arm. He softly whispered, "Gold Medal - All Purpose, isn't it?"
Click to expand...
GROAN... I love it!!!
 
"How's the new apartment working out in San Francisco, Jethro?" asks his mother when he calls home to Grass Valley.

It's okay," he replies, "but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head against the wall."

"Never you mind," says his mother, "don't let them get to you, just ignore them."

"Yes'm that I do," he says, "I just keep playing my banjo".
 
Tuff Guy 62 said:
"How's the new apartment working out in San Francisco, Jethro?" asks his mother when he calls home to Grass Valley.

It's okay," he replies, "but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head against the wall."

"Never you mind," says his mother, "don't let them get to you, just ignore them."

"Yes'm that I do," he says, "I just keep playing my banjo".
Click to expand...

:)
 
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