I need to hear a good new joke

Last night, the kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

They got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine.

The little bastards.
 
billharr said:
Last night, the kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

They got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine.

The little bastards.
Click to expand...
Oh that's good.You just can't trust the kids.
Frank
 
[SIZE=12pt]A couple was flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]Mid flight the captain announces over the public address system, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have shut down and we must attempt an emergency landing. I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and may have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.” [/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]After recovering from the landing and shock, the husband asks his wife, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?” [/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]“No, sweetheart,” she responds. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]A bit later he asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?” [/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]“Oh no! I’m sorry. I figured we'd pay after we got back,” she says. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]“One last thing," he asks. "Did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” [/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]“Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife. “I didn’t send that one, either.” [/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]The husband smiles and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “What was the hug for?” [/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]The husband answers, “They’ll find us!” [/SIZE]
 
A reefer truck broke down between Fresno and Bakersfield one August afternoon. Another reefer truck stopped to see if he could offer any help and the broke down driver said, "I am supposed to get these penguins to the San Diego Zoo". So they loaded the penguins into the working truck and the friendly driver headed on down the highway.

The next day the broke down driver got his truck on the road again and headed for the San Diego Zoo where he saw his friend walking down the street with the penguins following him in a single file. He stopped to ask what was going on and the friendly driver said, "we went to the zoo and now we're going for ice cream.
 
teledork said:
A reefer truck broke down between Fresno and Bakersfield one August afternoon. Another reefer truck stopped to see if he could offer any help and the broke down driver said, "I am supposed to get these penguins to the San Diego Zoo". So they loaded the penguins into the working truck and the friendly driver headed on down the highway.

The next day the broke down driver got his truck on the road again and headed for the San Diego Zoo where he saw his friend walking down the street with the penguins following him in a single file. He stopped to ask what was going on and the friendly driver said, "we went to the zoo and now we're going for ice cream.
Click to expand...
Awwwww!
 
I asked my son if he had seen my newspaper. He told me that newspapers are "old school". He told me that people use tablets nowadays and he handed me his i-pad.

The fly didn't stand a chance.
 
This was just posted on a Facebook page I visit...

Today I woke up around 4:30 Quietly getting up make coffee eat some cereal , get dressed and get in my jeep with the camp trailer hooked up ready for a few days all to myself. As I open the garage proceed to back out I turn on the radio in the jeep only to learn it's expected to get really cold over the next 3 days. I pull back into garage, close door, turn off coffee and slide back into bed with "other" ideas and as I cuddle up to my wife I say "baby its getting cold out there" she reply's "yeah can you believe my stupid husband is out camping in this crap?
 
xkcd.png
 
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