Yup, same with mine...ski3pin said:
I need to hear a good new joke
- Thread starter ski3pin
- Start date
Holiday Safety
Feel free to spread this warning throughout your friend base.
Please, take care of yourself out on the roads this holiday season.
A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by drivers who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks, and **** like that.
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
This message is sent to you by someone who worries about your safety.
P.S. Please do NOT drink (alcohol) if you intend to get behind the wheel of a two or more ton deadly weapon on wheels. Seriously!
Feel free to spread this warning throughout your friend base.
Please, take care of yourself out on the roads this holiday season.
A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by drivers who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks, and **** like that.
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
This message is sent to you by someone who worries about your safety.
P.S. Please do NOT drink (alcohol) if you intend to get behind the wheel of a two or more ton deadly weapon on wheels. Seriously!
Great holiday advise Vic.
have a great holiday season.
Frank
have a great holiday season.
Frank
Stalking Light
Feral Grandpa
My annual Christmas joke:
People have wondered from time to time the reason for an angel on the top of the Christmas tree.
It seems that one particular Christmas Santa was rushed and harried trying to get ready for his annual trip to deliver gifts to the world's children. He told Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch to take along. He then went to his workshop and told the elves to have all the presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed at 5:30 a.m.
At 5:30 the following morning he awoke and jumped out of bed furious with Mrs. Claus for not awakening him on time. His mood worsened when he realized she had fixed neither his breakfast nor his afternoon meal. Then he ran out to his sleigh only to find that the elves, drunk from partying all night, had no presents packed and the reindeer were running loose in the pasture.
About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree. Santa tried to ignore her since his mood was so foul but the angel spoke up and said, "Santa what should I do with this Christmas tree?"
People have wondered from time to time the reason for an angel on the top of the Christmas tree.
It seems that one particular Christmas Santa was rushed and harried trying to get ready for his annual trip to deliver gifts to the world's children. He told Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch to take along. He then went to his workshop and told the elves to have all the presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed at 5:30 a.m.
At 5:30 the following morning he awoke and jumped out of bed furious with Mrs. Claus for not awakening him on time. His mood worsened when he realized she had fixed neither his breakfast nor his afternoon meal. Then he ran out to his sleigh only to find that the elves, drunk from partying all night, had no presents packed and the reindeer were running loose in the pasture.
About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree. Santa tried to ignore her since his mood was so foul but the angel spoke up and said, "Santa what should I do with this Christmas tree?"
Tuff Guy 62
Senior Member
[SIZE=12pt]TOP 10 USES FOR HOLIDAY FRUITCAKES[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]8. Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]7. Use as railroad ties.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]4. Use instead of cement shoes.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]3. Save for next summer's garage sale.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]1. Two words pin cushion [/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]8. Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]7. Use as railroad ties.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]4. Use instead of cement shoes.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]3. Save for next summer's garage sale.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]1. Two words pin cushion [/SIZE]
Hey -- I love fruitcake!Tuff Guy 62 said:
If anyone has any unwanted fruitcake, send it to me and I'll give it a good home.
Tuff Guy 62
Senior Member
[SIZE=12pt]What happens when no one comes to your Christmas party? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]You can have your fruitcake and eat it too.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]You can have your fruitcake and eat it too.[/SIZE]
N'kwala
Geezelle
But I really LIKE fruitcake! Made a wonderful one this year. I won't force it on anyone.
Me, tooN'kwala said:
PaulT
Need gumbo
The only thing wrong with fruitcake is if it somehow missed an appropriate application of rum. IMHO
Paul
Paul
Tuff Guy 62
Senior Member
Actually, I must confess that I also like fruitcake. I targeted it because it's the butt of so many holiday jokes.
Being of Italian extraction we enjoy Panettone (the Italian version of fruitcake) during the holidays. Yum!!
Being of Italian extraction we enjoy Panettone (the Italian version of fruitcake) during the holidays. Yum!!
Trader Joe's has a chocolate chip Panettone.
It's yummy.
Frank
It's yummy.
Frank
Bigfoot Dave
Senior Member
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2015
- Messages
- 131
Last Christmas my 86 year old mom was pulled aside by TSA while boarding a flight from Duluth, MN to Denver. He asked her what she had in her carry on that might be suspect. She said "nothing" as he pulled out an apricot fruitcake wrapped in foil. It looked just like a brick of C4. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all, Bigfoot Dave
Squatch
Senior Member
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,
watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something..
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam
didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find
out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one
day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold! -- there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, the little gold-digger figured I was rich and she filed rape
charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got
into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something..
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam
didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find
out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one
day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold! -- there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, the little gold-digger figured I was rich and she filed rape
charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got
into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
HOW THE INTERNET WAS BEGAT (Snopes says ‘tis true)
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply asked, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made
on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also
developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures -- Hebrew to thePeople (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish
with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.
Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything.
(GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply asked, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made
on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also
developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures -- Hebrew to thePeople (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish
with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.
Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything.
(GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
Steve LOVE it.
Thanks
Frank
Thanks
Frank
Tuff Guy 62
Senior Member
My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain 15 pounds so I look skinnier.
takesiteasy
Senior Member
This one seemed timely (sent to me by my wife ):
):
