I need to hear a good new joke
- Thread starter ski3pin
- Start date
OP
OP
A mountain man was wandering the west and came upon a tribe of Native Americans, their presence underscored by the distinctive and monotonous beating of drums. The man spoke with the tribe and they allowed him to stay with them and sleep in their village
The first night, the man didn’t sleep a wink due to the constant drumming. He spoke to the chief. “Chief, I got no sleep last night. Could you maybe stop the drumming for a night so I could rest?”
With fear in his voice the chief replied, “The drums must not stop!”
The man figured it was their culture and focused on enjoying the day and spending time with the tribe.
That night, the drums again kept the man awake for the entire night and in the morning he spoke with the chief.
“Chief, please! I need some sleep; couldn’t the drums cease for just one night for my health?”
The chief replied with his voice shaking, “The drums must not stop!”
The mountain man, at wits end, let the issue drop and tried to focus on the day at hand, but could not focus due to lack of sleep and the incessant pounding of the drums.
That night, the beating of the drums left the man sleepless yet again. In the morning he angrily approached the chief.
“Chief, I’ve had it. The drums must stop! It is impossible to get any sleep.”
The chief, his face white with fear, replied, “The drums must not stop!”
“Why! Why can the drums not stop? What happens when the drums stop?”
The chief answered, “The bass solo.”
The first night, the man didn’t sleep a wink due to the constant drumming. He spoke to the chief. “Chief, I got no sleep last night. Could you maybe stop the drumming for a night so I could rest?”
With fear in his voice the chief replied, “The drums must not stop!”
The man figured it was their culture and focused on enjoying the day and spending time with the tribe.
That night, the drums again kept the man awake for the entire night and in the morning he spoke with the chief.
“Chief, please! I need some sleep; couldn’t the drums cease for just one night for my health?”
The chief replied with his voice shaking, “The drums must not stop!”
The mountain man, at wits end, let the issue drop and tried to focus on the day at hand, but could not focus due to lack of sleep and the incessant pounding of the drums.
That night, the beating of the drums left the man sleepless yet again. In the morning he angrily approached the chief.
“Chief, I’ve had it. The drums must stop! It is impossible to get any sleep.”
The chief, his face white with fear, replied, “The drums must not stop!”
“Why! Why can the drums not stop? What happens when the drums stop?”
The chief answered, “The bass solo.”
chnlisle
Post Master
I resent that. Especially from a another player.
OP
OP
Jay, this is the kind of joke you can pick what instrument to "honor". Maybe accordion, but I've heard those folks don't have much of a sense of humor. 
OP
OP
and now one for the bagpipers.................
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical male, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left, and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical male, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left, and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
chnlisle
Post Master
and now one for the bagpipers.................
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical male, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left, and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
I literally lol-ed
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical male, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left, and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
I literally lol-ed
highz
Retreaded
Love it Ski. I'm still laughing.
chnlisle
Post Master
I'm wondering if this has been posted yet. Well it's stil funny!
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?
BobM
Senior Member
- Joined
- Nov 2, 2011
- Messages
- 730
Three guys are in the woods hunting deer. They're getting ready to take off on a hunt when one of them say's "you guys go ahead I'm going to stay behind and cut a loaf". While bending over a log doing his business he falls asleep, bare butt and all.
The two other guys shot a couple of deer and gutted them putting the guts etc. in a trash bag to take back to the camp for proper disposal. Upon returning to camp they noticed their friend fast asleep on the log next to his droppings. One of the other hunters said "let's have some fun and put the deer guts on top of his poop". They then went to their site to have some beers.
Pretty soon their sleeping friend came over looking quite sickly. The other guys said "you're white as a ghost, what happened?". He said "you'll never believe this, I pooped out all my guts! If it weren't for god and these two fingers I would have never got them back in!"
The two other guys shot a couple of deer and gutted them putting the guts etc. in a trash bag to take back to the camp for proper disposal. Upon returning to camp they noticed their friend fast asleep on the log next to his droppings. One of the other hunters said "let's have some fun and put the deer guts on top of his poop". They then went to their site to have some beers.
Pretty soon their sleeping friend came over looking quite sickly. The other guys said "you're white as a ghost, what happened?". He said "you'll never believe this, I pooped out all my guts! If it weren't for god and these two fingers I would have never got them back in!"
mitch h
Senior Member
Thats sounds like something my son would do to one of his buddys
chnlisle
Post Master
billharr
Senior Member
The Candy With The Little Hole
This should make you smile. You have to love little kids.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red....................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ............... Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
Mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!
This should make you smile. You have to love little kids.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red....................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ............... Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
Mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!
OP
OP
Good one Bill!
And on with another little kid story -
My wife hosted a dinner party for both sides of our entire family and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well. During dinner, my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me. I finally asked her, "Why are you staring at me?" Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet waiting for her response. My little niece said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
And on with another little kid story -
My wife hosted a dinner party for both sides of our entire family and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well. During dinner, my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me. I finally asked her, "Why are you staring at me?" Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet waiting for her response. My little niece said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
chnlisle
Post Master
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator and says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.
Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
4llamas
Senior Member
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma,that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? "What ... you coming empty handed?"
4llamas
Senior Member
An attractive blonde from Ireland arrives at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know, I thought you were watching."Moral of the story: Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men ... are men!
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know, I thought you were watching."Moral of the story: Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men ... are men!
OP
OP
An attractive blonde from Ireland arrives at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know, I thought you were watching."Moral of the story: Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men ... are men!
I saw this one coming and still got a big kick out of it, thanks!
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know, I thought you were watching."Moral of the story: Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men ... are men!
I saw this one coming and still got a big kick out of it, thanks!
chnlisle
Post Master
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
I don't know where you guys get all these great jokes,but keep them coming.Really enjoy reading them.
Frank
Frank
