I need to hear a good new joke

buckland said:
Uh oh
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Yeah, I have a problem. I don’t have a beer in my hand!
 
[SIZE=12pt]Ray and Bob, two banjo pickers who support themselves by doing maintenance work, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]"We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bob, “but we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.”
She loosened a few bolts, and then laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed, “Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all!’" he said, “We need the height and she gives us the length!” [/SIZE]
 
I was walking home the other night and decided to take the shortcut through the cemetery. Three young women walked up to me, explained that they were afraid to walk past the cemetery at night, and asked if they could walk with me. I agreed and told them I entirely understood, "I used to get freaked out too, back when I was alive."
 
ski3pin said:
[SIZE=12pt]Ray and Bob, two banjo pickers who support themselves by doing maintenance work, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]"We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bob, “but we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.”
She loosened a few bolts, and then laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed, “Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all!’" he said, “We need the height and she gives us the length!” [/SIZE]
Click to expand...
It's always the banjo players.
Good one.
Frank
 
Ralph, the banjo picker, returned home after work one day and found his wife incredibly upset. She said, "Sit down. We need to talk." She explained that, for years, she was deeply concerned that their son, Ralph Jr., did not look anything like either of them. She finally took action and had a DNA test done and discovered that Ralph Jr. was not their child!
"Don't you remember?" Ralph countered.
"Remember what?"
Ralph answered, "When we were leaving the hospital with our baby, he filled his diaper and you told me to go back and get a clean one."
 
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an *******!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for *******?"
Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.
How often can one get an attorney to incriminate his own client?
 
'Tis the season.......................................

A custom coffin builder was making a delivery to a funeral home when his van broke down. Pressed for time and not wanting to be late, he lifted the coffin up onto his head and started hoofing it down the road. A policeman stopped him and asked what in the world was he doing. The fellow replied, "I didn't like where I was buried so I'm relocating."
 
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look..
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
 
I've finally figured out what is wrong with my brain. On the left side there is nothing right and on the right side there is nothing left.
 
A man walked up to the check in counter at a fine downtown hotel.
He addressed the clerk. "I'm sorry but I've forgotten what room I'm in."
"No problem, sir" The clerk answered. "This is the lobby."
 
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