OP
OP
Telling your luggage there won't be a vacation this year can be tough. Emotional baggage is the worst.
I need to hear a good new joke
- Thread starter ski3pin
- Start date
Groan...ski3pin said:
OP
OP
Yes, a groaner for the times.....................Wandering Sagebrush said:Groan...
CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed the wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: OK! That’s what I want ...
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I detest vegetables!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know!
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our data base, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, What’s App and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first It expired 6 weeks ago...
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed the wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: OK! That’s what I want ...
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I detest vegetables!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know!
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our data base, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, What’s App and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first It expired 6 weeks ago...
How true.
Frank
Frank
teledork
Pinyon Jay
oh lord - that is so bad it is goodski3pin said:
billharr
Senior Member
1.Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would go up to a bank teller with a mask on and ask for money.
2. 2019: You see a man in a store wearing a mask and think you are in danger.
2020: you see a man in a store not wearing a mask in a store and think you are in danger.
3.Until further notice the days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today and nextday!
4. Just asked a 6-year-old if he understands why there is no school. He said yes because they are out of toilet paper.
5.After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my home but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.
6. If you thought toilet paper was crazy ... just wait until 300 million people all want a haircut appointment. (Lots of truth in this one, pedicures and manicures will be the same.)
7. 2020 is a unique Leap Year. It has 29 days in February, 300 days in March and 5 years in April.
8. Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to prevent COVID-19 but to stop eating.
9. This cleaning with alcohol is total BS. NOTHING gets done after that first bottle.
10.Kinda’ starting to understand why pets try to run out of the house when the door opens.
11.My Mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in the bed all day, but look at me now! I’m saving the world!
12.Whoever owes you money, go to their house now. They should be home.
13.Is your car getting 3 weeks per gallon now? Mine is.
14.It’s like being 16 again, gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
15.Low gas prices during the lock down is like a bald man winning a hairbrush.
16.“All those grandparents who are missing their grandkids now—once this over you can have them for a month.
Sincerely, a tired Mom.”
17.The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors.
1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.
18. And just like that, our pastor became a televangelist.
19. Can we uninstall 2020?
This version has a virus.
20. Mom, is that offer to slap me into next year still on the table?”
21. Powerball is up to an 18 pack of Charmin.
22. Let’s not tell some people when quarantine is over.
23. I’ve been trying to make hand sanitizer but it keeps coming out rum and Coke.
2. 2019: You see a man in a store wearing a mask and think you are in danger.
2020: you see a man in a store not wearing a mask in a store and think you are in danger.
3.Until further notice the days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today and nextday!
4. Just asked a 6-year-old if he understands why there is no school. He said yes because they are out of toilet paper.
5.After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my home but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.
6. If you thought toilet paper was crazy ... just wait until 300 million people all want a haircut appointment. (Lots of truth in this one, pedicures and manicures will be the same.)
7. 2020 is a unique Leap Year. It has 29 days in February, 300 days in March and 5 years in April.
8. Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to prevent COVID-19 but to stop eating.
9. This cleaning with alcohol is total BS. NOTHING gets done after that first bottle.
10.Kinda’ starting to understand why pets try to run out of the house when the door opens.
11.My Mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in the bed all day, but look at me now! I’m saving the world!
12.Whoever owes you money, go to their house now. They should be home.
13.Is your car getting 3 weeks per gallon now? Mine is.
14.It’s like being 16 again, gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
15.Low gas prices during the lock down is like a bald man winning a hairbrush.
16.“All those grandparents who are missing their grandkids now—once this over you can have them for a month.
Sincerely, a tired Mom.”
17.The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors.
1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.
18. And just like that, our pastor became a televangelist.
19. Can we uninstall 2020?
This version has a virus.
20. Mom, is that offer to slap me into next year still on the table?”
21. Powerball is up to an 18 pack of Charmin.
22. Let’s not tell some people when quarantine is over.
23. I’ve been trying to make hand sanitizer but it keeps coming out rum and Coke.
OP
OP
Good one Bill! We especially like 10, 17 and 19.
craig333
Riley's Human
Lotta truth in there. Sure glad I had em cut my hair short just before the lockdown.
OP
OP
Honest to god, Julie and I did not know what target was before seeing this.
craig333
Riley's Human
Thats a good one!
Boy Ski you and Julie lead sheltered lives.
Get out and find a"Target Husband Group".
Frank
Get out and find a"Target Husband Group".
Frank
Honestly, I’m not sure what was funniest, the video, or you and Julie not having the Target experience. BTW, it’s pronounced Tar-jay.
OP
OP
Remember, we live in a town so small it does not have a traffic signal light. It just might push us over the edge to move from here if one ever goes in.
Casa Escarlata Robles Too said:
Wandering Sagebrush said:
hebegebe
Senior Member
Feel like I’m in the same boat!hebegebe said:
If the sewers and streetlights come I’m gone!!!
OP
OP
What's a sewer? The same as septic tank?hebegebe said:
hebegebe
Senior Member
no we now have septic systems but yuppie pressure and ostentatious development is encroaching from all sides! Yikesski3pin said:
smlobx
Lost again
Ski my wife and I are literally crying with laughter!
That was hilarious! Thanks for posting.
That was hilarious! Thanks for posting.
New monthly budget: Gas $0 Entertainment $0 Clothes $0 Groceries $2,799.
Breaking News: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly
recommended. Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.
Low maintenance chicks are having their moment right now. We don't
have nails to fill and paint, roots to dye, eyelashes to re-mink, and
are thrilled not to have to get dressed every day. I have been
training for this moment my entire life!
I stepped on my scale this morning. It said: "Please practice social
distancing. Only one person at a time on scale."
Not to brag, but I haven't been late to anything in over 6 weeks.
It may take a village to raise a child but I swear its going to take a
vineyard to home school one.
I wanted zombies and anarchy. Instead we got working from home and
toilet paper shortages.
Worst. Apocalypse. Ever.
Day 37: The garbage man placed an AA flyer on my recycling bin.
Breaking News: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly
recommended. Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.
Low maintenance chicks are having their moment right now. We don't
have nails to fill and paint, roots to dye, eyelashes to re-mink, and
are thrilled not to have to get dressed every day. I have been
training for this moment my entire life!
I stepped on my scale this morning. It said: "Please practice social
distancing. Only one person at a time on scale."
Not to brag, but I haven't been late to anything in over 6 weeks.
It may take a village to raise a child but I swear its going to take a
vineyard to home school one.
I wanted zombies and anarchy. Instead we got working from home and
toilet paper shortages.
Worst. Apocalypse. Ever.
Day 37: The garbage man placed an AA flyer on my recycling bin.
