I need to hear a good new joke

I think this one is better acted out with voices and movement but you can use your imagination -

A Scotsman, an Irishman and an Englishman sit down and order pints of ale. The Englishman finds a fly in his pint and asks the bartender for a fresh glass. The Irishman finds a fly in his pint, shrugs his shoulders and drinks it on down. The Scotsman finds a fly in his pint, picks it out and shakes it up and down yelling, "spit it out!"
 
Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall and thought to myself:
That's a little condescending.
 
ski3pin said:
Forget about walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. You ought to spend 20 seconds in my head.
Click to expand...
20 seconds in my head? I really don't think I could wish that on anyone (because how would I get them out again?)
 
A teacher demonstrates a science experiment for her class. She places one worm in each of four test tubes. Tube number one she fills with beer. Tube number two she fills with wine. Tube number three she fills with whiskey. Tube number four she fills with mineral water. The next morning the class examines the four test tubes. The worm is dead in the test tube with beer. The same with the wine and whiskey tubes. Tube number four with mineral water the worm is alive and happy.
"What do we learn from this experiment?" the teacher asks the class.
The first student answers, "Anyone who drinks beer, wine, and whiskey does not have worms."
 
The great German actress Zelda had done everything but for one thing - she'd never won an Academy Award. She was known for being terribly temperamental and choosy about her parts, but was also known to soften for the promise of the elusive award.

One day she was called by the great director, Meyer Schmidt, and asked to review a new script he had. She read the script and immediately rejected it.
"Iss Nicht my type of script, Meyer, and I'll NOT do it."

"But HONEYKINS," he cried, "It's a WONDERFUL script."

"I didn't say it wasn't Vunderful or goot, but I'll not do it."

"But Sweetiekins, ", Meyer continued, "with my direction and your acting and name, it will make us MILLIONS."

"More Geldt I don't need. Ich do nicht like the script."

"But, DARLING, don't you see, with my connections, I can almost GUARANTEE you an Academy Award with a good performance."

Zelda thought a moment then agreed and said:

Oh, I'd LUFF to be an Oscar veener, Meyer
 
This song lives on and on.
IMG_5433.jpg
Frank
 
My sexy neighbor just called me “a bit of a looker”.

Well, the term she used was actually “voyeur”, but it still counts
 
As health cuts continue, Dentists are warning that people may have to carry out their own procedures. Patients are being notified to brace themselves.
 
My brother saves business cards from people he doesn't care for and keeps them in the console of his car. The other day I asked him why. His reason - if he accidentally bangs into a parked car he writes "sorry" on the back of one and puts it under a windshield wiper.
 
ski3pin said:
My brother saves business cards from people he doesn't care for and keeps them in the console of his car. The other day I asked him why. His reason - if he accidentally bangs into a parked car he writes "sorry" on the back of one and puts it under a windshield wiper.
Click to expand...
That sounds like a great idea.
I'll have to start collecting.
Frank
 
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