OP
OP
As I have grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
I need to hear a good new joke
- Thread starter ski3pin
- Start date
Isn't that the truth.ski3pin said:
Frank
OP
OP
Casa Escarlata Robles Too said:
So that's what's going on in my life. I just thought people were getting cranky.ski3pin said:
OP
OP
Hear about the zen master ordering a hot dog? He wanted one with everything.
OP
OP
Hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
I heard he joined DAM. Mothers Against Dislexia.ski3pin said:
OP
OP
Wandering Sagebrush said:
OP
OP
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to ice skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire. It hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
PaulT
Need gumbo
Better than DAMM, I guess.
Drunks Against Mad Mothers
Paul
Drunks Against Mad Mothers
Paul
PaulT said:
billharr
Senior Member
A guy and a girl meet at a bar……
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:....
"I Didn't feel a thing."
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:....
"I Didn't feel a thing."
K6ON
Old & Soft
[SIZE=24pt]Heartwarming[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]"Grandpa, Grandpa,"she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog, because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World...![/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]"Grandpa, Grandpa,"she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog, because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World...![/SIZE]
winks
Advanced Member
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
The frog croaks, "Miss Whack, I'd like to take out a $30,000 loan so that I can go on a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, the amphibious son of singer Mick Jagger, and he goes on to say that he knows the bank manager.
Miss Whack explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager, and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
The frog croaks, "Miss Whack, I'd like to take out a $30,000 loan so that I can go on a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, the amphibious son of singer Mick Jagger, and he goes on to say that he knows the bank manager.
Miss Whack explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager, and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
craig333
Riley's Human
I'm almost ashamed I lol'd at that!
PaulT
Need gumbo
First time I heard the Patty Whack joke was 1982-83. Haven't heard it in years. It's still funny. Thanks for making me laugh again.
billharr
Senior Member
Others your own age
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old? Well......you'll love this one!
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental degree, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man, with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park Secondary School.
“Yes, yes I did. I'm a Morganner!” He beamed with pride.
“When did you leave to go to college?” I asked.
He answered “in 1965, why do you ask?”
“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then the ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled,
fat-arsed,
decrepit,
bastard
asked.... “What did you teach?”
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old? Well......you'll love this one!
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental degree, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man, with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park Secondary School.
“Yes, yes I did. I'm a Morganner!” He beamed with pride.
“When did you leave to go to college?” I asked.
He answered “in 1965, why do you ask?”
“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then the ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled,
fat-arsed,
decrepit,
bastard
asked.... “What did you teach?”
OP
OP
A little timely humor.............................
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it – so I drank it.
Then I got him a Stroh’s, he didn't like it, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Molson's and the Labatt's.
By the time we got down to the whiskey,
I could barely push the stroller home
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it – so I drank it.
Then I got him a Stroh’s, he didn't like it, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Molson's and the Labatt's.
By the time we got down to the whiskey,
I could barely push the stroller home
