I need to hear a good new joke

I think this is funny although I'm not sure it's suitable for this list. I leave it to the judgement of the team of censors.

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A craft brewer was very proud of his special beer and wondered if he could have it patented. He sent a sample to a laboratory to get it chemically profiled. One week later he got this report:
"Dear Sir, we regret to inform you that your horse has diabetes."
 





Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Florida owned a farm, which had
a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard
voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. Their clothes we strewn on the picnic benches.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned and said, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked, or make you get out of the pond naked. I have seen more than you got in my 85 years. '













Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed
the alligator.'​
 
A woman was married to an angry, violent man and for years they argued so the neighbors could hear. He was frequently heard to say "When I die, I am going to haunt you from the grave. I will dig my way out and kill you". After he died, her neighbors asked her if she was worried. "Not a bit", she replied. "Why not?" they asked. "I had him buried upside down and he's too stubborn to ask for directions. He will dig forever."
 
ntsqd said:
Blatantly stolen from over "there":

How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb? One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing lightbulbs and how the lightbulb could have been changed differently.

Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

Three to correct spelling/grammar errors.

Fore to spelle evere singel wird in the poste rong and ezpect evrywon to nowe wut thare sayin anywaye.

Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb".

Another six to condemn those six as stupid.

Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.

Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.

Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.

Thirty six to debate which method of changing lightbulbs is superior, where to buy the best lightbulbs, what brand of lightbulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different lightbulbs.

Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.

Three to post URLs found when following the aforementioned URLs.

Thirteen to quote 5-paragraph posts in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and then add "Me too" or "+1".

Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot mentally handle the lightbulb controversy, or because the question will just encourage a popularity contest or a "steel base vs. plastic base" discussion.

Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting easy questions about light bulbs."

Three to tell a funny story about their cat and a light bulb.

Nine to ramble on about how those liberal bastards want to take away all lightbulbs, and then sum it all up with a lame pun about Rosie O'Donnell choking on a 'fish taco'.

Twenty-four to read the first half of the post, and then answer a question NOBODY ASKED!!!

Five who get pissed over a joke that they probably didn't get in the first place.

Fifteen to argue which is more important; wattage or bulb placement.

Four to say that they only buy custom made lightbulbs.

Three to say that they buy cheap bulbs that are just as good as the custom made ones, but that way they have extra money for lampshades.

Five to ask the infamous "can a +P wattage bulb be used in my socket?" question.

Fourteen to debate which type of replacement light bulb is best (i.e. incandescent, halogen, fluorescent, LED)

four to debate the impact to the environment by changing a light bulb and what do do with the one removed to minimize the environmental impact.

Six to discuss alternative uses for burnt out light bulbs.

One to quote the treadlightly guideline that most likely covers changing light bulbs

Twelve to discuss the ethical use of light bulbs

Four to mention how they like to just line up light bulbs and shoot them

Three to inquire about which light bulbs one should carry as spares

Fourteen to discuss the best place to carry spare light bulbs

Six to discuss the best ways to protect light bulbs while off 'wheeling"

Six to discuss the best way to photograph light bulbs

Four to inquire about which camera would work best for photographing light bulbs.

A new thread on light bulb pictures

Two to ask about which maps to load in order to find light bulb GPS locations

One to point out the dangers of broken light bulbs

Thirty four to relate their or others experiences with broken light bulbs

Twenty one to discuss first response actions that are best used for the victim of a broken light bulb

Twenty nine new threads covering additional " how many ExPo members does it take to ..."

Fourteen to debate the meaning and proper use of "ExPo"

One to point out the proper light bulb for Glampers

One to point out that changing a light bulb is the classical first step in the progression of ship fitter's disease

One to ask what is ship fitter's disease

One to cross-post the whole topic on another forum.

3 to discuss if the alternator should be upgraded to better supply the light bulb with a steady and reliable source of power.

1 to ask the alternator posters how they define "steady and reliable".

7 to argue if it would be better to get a new alternator or modify/upgrade the one currently in the vehicle.

Four to suggest light-bulb changing be a three-hour course in Overland Training.

Six to pontificate on which size light bulb should be used during Overland Training.

Two to volunteer to hold the light bulb during Overland Training.

Two more to volunteer to energize the light bulb while the other two are holding them.

Sixteen to brag about being the first sixteen to be "Overland Training Light Bulb Changer Certified".

Five to provide a new market in used light bulbs on CL.

Twelve to post where used light bulbs can be found in various cities on CL.

Eleven of the twelve remember to post that they have no affiliation with the light bulb sellers on CL.

One "Articulate" to come up with the funniest one-liner of all about changing light bulbs.

Corollaries:
A new thread asking for favorite light bulb changing songs

A new thread for pictures of before and after changed light bulbs

What I want to know is what were the light( )bulbs changed into?
Click to expand...
Me too.
 
My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages.
Everyone was asked to bring their children along.
As we dined, my wife's friend's 4-year-old daughter stared at me.
The girl hardly touched her food... just stared.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food and patted my hair down.
But none of that stopped her from staring me down.
Finally, I asked "Why do you keep staring at me, young lady?"
Everyone had noticed her staring....
The table went silent, awaiting her reply.
The little girl said,
"I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
 
A man climbed to the top of a mountain to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks, "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
God replies, "A minute."
The man asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
God replies, "A penny."
"Can I have a penny?" the man asks
God replies, "In a minute."
 
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
 
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
 
Two painters were high on a scaffolding, painting a skyscraper. One of them tripped over the bucket of paint and fell to the ground. The other, sure that his pal had kicked the bucket jumped in the window and raced to the ground. But on arrival he found that his friend was fine and had only turned a little pale/pail.
 
Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."
 
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