I need to hear a good new joke

buckland said:
Okay then ..use your best Scottish accent for this.
A great burly lad on his way home from a fine session ... was feeling like he may have overdone it... he weaved his way to the side of the road and sat down at the base of a tree, just for a wee nap to settle things out...and there he fell asleep. Not long after 2 young maids happened down the road and spied the young man asleep by the tree. One says to the other, "I've always wondered what was beneath those kilts" and the other saids, "Well go on then have a look"... and indeed she did... lifting his kilt she gasped ...then smiled... she pulled a blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around him.... and off they went their way.
In awhile the lad awakens ...still in a slight fog ... and seems to feel a bit constrained below.... he lifts his kilt and says, "well, I don't know where ya've been...and I don't know what've done.... but I am proud to see you've won first prize!"
Click to expand...
First heard it in high school. I thought the punch line was, "Och, I canna remember whit ah did, but ah won furrrst prize!"
 
Casa Escarlata Robles Too said:
Our radio station, KPIG/KFAT used to play it many years ago.
Always got a laugh from it.
That and the song, about the Irish brick worker and the barrel of bricks.
Frank
Click to expand...
KFAT - the brown spot on the dial.
 
Bill Gates goes to purgatory.

St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.

Bill chooses Hell.

About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.

Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"

St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."
 
AND WE THOUGHT CHIVALRY WAS GONE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . . . . .
 
The other evening the Lady and I were reading in our living room. She was looking at a catalog for wool clothing. After reading for a short time, she looked up asked, "Did you know it takes three sheep to make a sweater?"
"No," I replied. "I had no idea sheep could knit."
 
The triumph of age and experience:
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time..
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.




Sent from my iPhone using Wander The West
 
The Good Old Days

When I was a little boy my Momma would send me down to the corner store with one dollar. I'd come back with 6 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, some coffee, and 6 eggs. You sure can't do that now with all the security cameras.
 
Little Audrey's mother sent her to Safeway to get bread. Little Audrey knew there wasn't a safe way to get bread
 
Three old women were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. When an old man walked by. One of the old women yelled out, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.” The old man said, “I don't think so” One of the old ladies said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.” Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers. The women asked him to turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!” Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?” The old ladies replied… “We were at your birthday party yesterday!”
 
profound thought of the day


"It's only when you see a mosquito landing
on your testicles that you realize that there is always
a way to solve problems without using violence. "
 
Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8: 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalk s and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life

December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on! Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20.
The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! ! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried verything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell o! n my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt li! ke hel l. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe i'm freezing to death in my own living room.


December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22:
B! ob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he
says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.

December 23:
Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides arou! nd the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he c! omes dow n the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplow.

December 25:
Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?


December 30:
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31:
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8:
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
 
Here's a way to measure snow doggonit!
 

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