I need to hear a good new joke

chnlisle said:
Lets see if this makes the cut.[/size]

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. [/size]

The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow. "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman. "Why?" he asked, "What’s the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it’s nowhere near long enough. It’ll never reach!" "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. [/size]

The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together. As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" "Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night." [/size]
Click to expand...
I told this one to the Lady as we were hiking out of the Winds yesterday. In the evening we were walking along Half Moon Lake. A boy had two girls on the back of an ATV and was zooming around, ripping up the road in some kind of juvenile mating ritual. They headed down the road to the boat ramp that paralleled our road and were soon stopped behind a screen of fir trees. The laughter started and the Lady called down, "Slap his face and pull his ears!"
 
image.jpg
 
Two young women are starting their careers doing secretarial work for firms in the downtown section of a small town. They enjoy meeting for lunch and taking a short walk around the pond in the central park. One day as they are walking a voice says, "And how are you two lovely ladies today?" They can see no one as they look for the source of the voice. Finally one of the young women sees a frog in the pond. "Yes it was me speaking," says the frog. The young women are in shock. The frog continues, "I was a bass player and was turned into a frog by an evil witch. If one of you will kiss me, I will turn back into my former self and I can move in with you. I can play music with some guys down at Round Table Pizza and probably get a free pizza or two a week for that and we can live happily ever after!" One of the young women quickly snatches up the frog and puts it in her purse. "Aren't you going to kiss him?" the other woman cries out. "No," the first woman says, "He's worth a lot more as a talking frog."
 
Many years ago a friend of mine called Joe worked in the coal mines. He would go to work early in the morning, go down the mine to the coal face and do his eight hour stint, then come back to the surface to get ready to come home. He followed this daily routine faithfully for years on end, down the mine in the morning and up at the end of his shift. Down then up, down then up. One day whilst he was at the coal face he swung his pick ax and the point went deep into a rock. He eventually managed to remove the pick ax from the rock, and as he did so he was engulfed in a deluge of water. He was absolutely drenched by the water, and his work mates remarked that he looked about 10 years younger since the water had covered him. They all tried to get soaked, and those that managed did indeed look 10 years younger. He, and those of his friends who had managed to get covered by the water, were thankful but they couldn't stop wondering why they had only been made to look 10 years younger. Why hadn't they been made to look 20 or 25 years younger than they really were?
It must be obvious that it was only a miner miracle
 
When you arrive at the gates of Heaven:
You will be greeted by an Englishman.
Your meals will be prepared by a Frenchman.
You will be entertained by an Italian
And it will all be scheduled by a German

When you arrive at the gates of Hell :
You will be greeted by Frenchman
Your meals will be prepared by an Englishman.
You will be entertained by a German
And it will all be scheduled by an Italian
 
I am shocked that ski3pin, a man that is the epitome of class, would post a joke based on stereotypes. And I can't wait to share it! :D
 
ski3pin said:
When you arrive at the gates of Heaven:
You will be greeted by an Englishman.
Your meals will be prepared by a Frenchman.
You will be entertained by an Italian
And it will all be scheduled by a German

When you arrive at the gates of Hell :
You will be greeted by Frenchman
Your meals will be prepared by an Englishman.
You will be entertained by a German
And it will all be scheduled by an Italian
Click to expand...
There you go picking on us Italians again.
Frank
 
ski3pin said:
When you arrive at the gates of Heaven:
You will be greeted by an Englishman.
Your meals will be prepared by a Frenchman.
You will be entertained by an Italian
And it will all be scheduled by a German

When you arrive at the gates of Hell :
You will be greeted by Frenchman
Your meals will be prepared by an Englishman.
You will be entertained by a German
And it will all be scheduled by an Italian
Click to expand...
This reminded me of a similar comparison...maybe not a joke, exactly, but something I heard from a Scottish friend of mine, years ago:

The Scots drink to fight
The Welsh drink to sing
The Irish drink to get drunk
And the English sell the beer.

(BTW, this Scottish friend's name was Johnnie Walker -- yes, his real name! :D)
 
A guy asked his wife if she'll get married again after he dies. She says of course not honey I'll just stay with my sister. What about you she asks. Will you re-marry? No he says I'll just stay with your sister.
 
Pushing the envelope?



A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation. She was awake , so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again Doctor?"

The Surgeon seemed to pause which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be alright won't I ?"

He replied, 'Yes , you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
 
[SIZE=10pt]An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do and he didn't seem to be too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky, and a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up."

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard and, Lord, what a shame that would be. Worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed and, as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired the Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He's gonna run for Congress!"[/SIZE]
 
ski3pin said:
[SIZE=10pt]An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do and he didn't seem to be too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky, and a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up."

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard and, Lord, what a shame that would be. Worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed and, as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired the Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He's gonna run for Congress!"[/SIZE]
Click to expand...
How true. Good one
Frank
 





Biography of woman compared to a country.

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered , half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful !

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and assured of her beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.


After 70, she becomes Tibet . Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and
the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.










THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like North Korea, ruled by a pair of nuts.


THE END.​
 
A fresh couple in love has the first time really-hot sex. It last it´s time so both have absolutely gigantic fun. When they finished, he lies on his back, she with her head on his chest and fondles his balls. After an hour he asks her: "You are sweet honey, not that I would not like me But why do you fondle my balls since a full hour now??" - she answered all raving about and full of love: "This is so beautiful and it reminds me of last year .... I even had some...".
 
A mortician named John had the terrible task of prepping his best friend Tom to be cremated. Upon inspecting the body, John discovered that Tom has the largest private part he had ever seen. So in the name of preserving it, he cut it off and put it in his bag.

When he got home later that night he told his wife, "You're not going to believe this," and he opened his bag.

"Oh my god!" She yelled in horror, "Sam's dead?!"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads - WTW

ski3pin
I Hear A Train A Coming!
Casa Escarlata Robles Too
Casa Escarlata Robles Too
craig333
Summer weight sleeping bag with a good zipper
craig333
craig333
N
Help please with Victron Orion tr smart 12-12-30 dc-dc charger
Jack
J
J
New FWC Hawk owner
jkszoo
J
P
1986 grandby - what have I done
Pkelly72
P

New posts - WTW

Back
Top Bottom