Manfred65
Senior Member
My wife´s comment:
"Your twin?"
"Your twin?"
I need to hear a good new joke
- Thread starter ski3pin
- Start date
ja, müssen wir Zwillinge
Manfred65
Senior Member
Hey Brother, i hope to meet you in person one day.
Planning a trip through the states in 2016.
including Denver / Phoenix Campers and Chehalis/WA Alaskan.....a good chance to have some days in Oregon.
Planning a trip through the states in 2016.
including Denver / Phoenix Campers and Chehalis/WA Alaskan.....a good chance to have some days in Oregon.
Manfred,
I am close to Chehalis, so that is a possibility. I can share info on Oregon, and maybe even be a bit of a guide.
On the topic of sharing information. There's a thread on ExPo that you should read. I don't have a dog in the fight, but I though you would be interested. Link will be sent via PM.
Steve
I am close to Chehalis, so that is a possibility. I can share info on Oregon, and maybe even be a bit of a guide.
On the topic of sharing information. There's a thread on ExPo that you should read. I don't have a dog in the fight, but I though you would be interested. Link will be sent via PM.
Steve
K6ON
Old & Soft
[SIZE=medium]Mom and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]The busy flight attendant smiled and said, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Why, Yes, she did."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Ask her to explain that to you.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]The busy flight attendant smiled and said, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Why, Yes, she did."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Ask her to explain that to you.[/SIZE]
chnlisle
Post Master
served her right.
craig333
Riley's Human
Unfortunately that joke is no longer applicable. Southwests times have gone downhill (or so I hear, I don't fly much).
One of our close friends is a Southwest Flight Attendant. On hard landings, she will announce "Folks, that wasn't the pilot's fault. That wasn't the copilot's fault. Folks, that was the asphalt!".
K6ON
Old & Soft
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the
mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen
for men.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's,
Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally
by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam
while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out
to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen
to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck
as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start
wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost
falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When
you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a
ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing.
Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals
your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,
24th, & 29th. Also December 1st & 4th, twice on the 7th, and very likely
again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage
of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones
for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just
running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them
to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and
around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen
for men.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's,
Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally
by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam
while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out
to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen
to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck
as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start
wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost
falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When
you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a
ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing.
Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals
your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,
24th, & 29th. Also December 1st & 4th, twice on the 7th, and very likely
again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage
of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones
for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just
running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them
to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and
around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
OP
OP
This one I really like! The Lady and I were walking before dawn this morning - a beautiful morning by the way - and walked past a small bed and breakfast inn. One room had a television screen visible through the window. It was on. We asked each other if we had missed tv or phone calls or internet over the last 10 days.....................................................Wandering Sagebrush said:I had a power outage at my house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad and my new surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat. To top it off, it was raining so I couldn't go for a walk, bike or run. The garage door opener needs electricity so I couldn't go anywhere in the car. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needed power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.
She seems like a nice person.
(It's a joke
OP
OP
[SIZE=14pt]All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. “I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. “I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest.”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says, “I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]“I don't know,” replies the man. “Picture this, I'm buck-naked hiding in this cedar chest….”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. “I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. “I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest.”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says, “I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]“I don't know,” replies the man. “Picture this, I'm buck-naked hiding in this cedar chest….”[/SIZE]
A young ventriloquist was touring Sweden and, one night, he was doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he started going through some of his standard dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stood on her chair and started shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you who make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general; pathetically, all in the name of humour!"
The stunned ventriloquist started to apologize, but the blonde interrupted and screamed: " You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little brat sitting on your lap."
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stood on her chair and started shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you who make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general; pathetically, all in the name of humour!"
The stunned ventriloquist started to apologize, but the blonde interrupted and screamed: " You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little brat sitting on your lap."
Flawless MALE LOGIC:
Critical Thinking At Its Best!
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man:
Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man:
$5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:Where's your Ferrari?
Critical Thinking At Its Best!
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man:
Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man:
$5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:Where's your Ferrari?
billharr
Senior Member
[SIZE=13.5pt]A husband went to police station to report his missing wife:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday & has still not come home.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Sergeant : What is her height ?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Sergeant : Build?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Husband : Not slim, not really fat.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Sergeant : Color of eyes?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Husband : Never noticed.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Sergeant : Color of hair?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Husband : Changes according to season.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Sergeant : What was she wearing?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don’t remember exactly.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Sergeant : Did she go in a car?[/SIZE][SIZE=13.5pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Husband : yes.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Sergeant : What kind of car was it?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package,[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 liter V8 engine[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats,[/SIZE][SIZE=14pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=13.5pt]and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.…………….[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]At this point the husband started crying...[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We’ll find your car.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday & has still not come home.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Sergeant : What is her height ?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Sergeant : Build?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Husband : Not slim, not really fat.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Sergeant : Color of eyes?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Husband : Never noticed.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Sergeant : Color of hair?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Husband : Changes according to season.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Sergeant : What was she wearing?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don’t remember exactly.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Sergeant : Did she go in a car?[/SIZE][SIZE=13.5pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Husband : yes.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Sergeant : What kind of car was it?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package,[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 liter V8 engine[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats,[/SIZE][SIZE=14pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=13.5pt]and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.…………….[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]At this point the husband started crying...[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We’ll find your car.[/SIZE]
OP
OP
True story............................
At a social gathering I overheard my older brother say, in response to a friend's comment on his appearance, "Yeah, about five years ago my wife switched to a different shampoo she was bringing home from the store and the darn stuff washed all the color out of my hair."
At a social gathering I overheard my older brother say, in response to a friend's comment on his appearance, "Yeah, about five years ago my wife switched to a different shampoo she was bringing home from the store and the darn stuff washed all the color out of my hair."
4llamas
Senior Member
Hair. If you've got it, flaunt it.
DesertDave
Senior Member
ROBOT FOR SALE:
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
DesertDave said:
I actually LOLd on that one!
billharr
Senior Member
I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper."
"Don't be silly," she said. "Here, use my iPad."
That f ing' spider never knew what hit him.
"Don't be silly," she said. "Here, use my iPad."
That f ing' spider never knew what hit him.
OP
OP
I have kleptomania, when it gets bad, I take something for it.
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