I need to hear a good new joke

[ski3pin]

Two fellows are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a
huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom,
I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says, "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen
and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand
and we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one and two and three and
throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the
edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around
they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no
hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole,
and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there", says the farmer, "you fellows didn't happen to see my goat
around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here
a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hundred
miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

And the old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a
transmission!"

 

[chnlisle]

Just a punch line.

Just you honey. With all the rest I stayed awake.

 

[GroovyDad]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"




She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

 

[ski3pin]

That only happened to the Lady once in 33 years of teaching. She learned to rephrase the question.

 

[ski3pin]

You should see this one coming............................

Is Paper Dead?

 

[Casa Escarlata Robles Too]

Exactly!!
Frank

 

[chnlisle]

 

[RJones]

Grandfather of year!

A woman happened to be following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson while grocery shopping. The grandfather certainly had his hands full with the child who continually screamed for candy and cookies.

But, the grandfather spoke in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy boy." The boy continued with the outbursts and the grandfather calmly said: "it's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, son"

At the checkout the little horror continued throwing items out of the shopping cart, but the Grandfather remained steady and said in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

Very impressed, the woman walked outside to where the grandfather was loading his groceries and the little boy into the car and said, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William certainly is lucky to have you as his grandfather."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. This little bastard's name is Kevin".

 

[ski3pin]

 

[MarkBC]

I didn't know coyotes could run that fast! I once saw two pronghorns chase a coyote -- yes, prey chasing predator (probably protecting their young).
OK, sorry for the off-topic comment -- back to the jokes.

 

[N'kwala]

Yesterday I was at my local Safeway buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when the woman behind me asked me what kind of a dog I owned?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that I didn't have a dog and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Safeway won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends... it will be their laugh for the day!

Youth is a gift of nature. Age is a work of art.

 

[Alley-Kat]

Sort of a joke... (related to strange minds and retired persons above)

My local hardware store.

1) About a year ago Orchard Supply Hardware began doing the Walmart Greeter thing near the front door. "Good afternoon sir, may I help you find anything?". My response... "Why, yes, Where do I find the snow blowers?" A few of them get it, most don't. (Hint, check where I live).

2) Orchard Supply Hardware started a rewards club. It's called "Club Orchard". At check out they always ask if you are a member of the rewards club. I always say, no, I'm waiting for it to be more like Club Med, with more girls in bikini's and drinks with tiny umbrella's. Some get it, some don't.

And...

One of my favorite things to do when I encounter another person out in the wilderness...

"Say is this the road/trail/path to _________ (fill in a location that is not very close to where you currently are)?
I left _________ (fill in a location that is not very close to where you currently are) this morning and I'm not sure I'm going the correct way. Can you help?"

Example...
I'm in King's Canyon National Park on a dirt road about 8 miles from pavement riding a small (90cc engine size, a Honda CT90) motorcycle.

"Say is this the trail to Seattle?
I left San Diego this morning and I'm not sure I'm going the correct way.
Can you help?"

Some get it, most don't, and the look on their faces is priceless.

 

[billharr]

Grandma's Boyfriend...
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma
was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'


Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as
my boyfriend.'


Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.


The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'


The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'


The minister fainted..

 

[camelracer]

During his annual physical examination, a doctor asked a retired man about his physical activity level.

The man said he spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.

"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.

I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles.

I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake.

I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees.

I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk.

The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.

Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor man!"



"No," the man replied, "I'm just a really, really bad golfer."

 

[ski3pin]

Sort of a joke... (related to strange minds and retired persons above)

My local hardware store.

1) About a year ago Orchard Supply Hardware began doing the Walmart Greeter thing near the front door. "Good afternoon sir, may I help you find anything?". My response... "Why, yes, Where do I find the snow blowers?" A few of them get it, most don't. (Hint, check where I live).

2) Orchard Supply Hardware started a rewards club. It's called "Club Orchard". At check out they always ask if you are a member of the rewards club. I always say, no, I'm waiting for it to be more like Club Med, with more girls in bikini's and drinks with tiny umbrella's. Some get it, some don't.

And...

One of my favorite things to do when I encounter another person out in the wilderness...

"Say is this the road/trail/path to _________ (fill in a location that is not very close to where you currently are)?
I left _________ (fill in a location that is not very close to where you currently are) this morning and I'm not sure I'm going the correct way. Can you help?"

Example...
I'm in King's Canyon National Park on a dirt road about 8 miles from pavement riding a small (90cc engine size, a Honda CT90) motorcycle.

"Say is this the trail to Seattle?
I left San Diego this morning and I'm not sure I'm going the correct way.
Can you help?"

Some get it, most don't, and the look on their faces is priceless.

those are good Alley-Kat, I'm going to start practicing.

 

[ski3pin]

A WTW member got his truck stuck in a desolate area. Luckily, a local rancher came to help with his big strong mule named Bob. He hitched Bob up to the truck and yelled, "Pull, Molly, pull!" Bob didn't move. Then the rancher hollered, "Pull, Blacky, pull!" Bob didn't respond. Once more the rancher called out, "Pull, Rocky, pull!" Nothing. Then the rancher calmly said, "Pull, Bob, pull!" The mule easily dragged the truck out of the muck. The WTWer was most appreciative but very curious. He asked the rancher why he called his mule by the wrong name three times. The rancher replied, "Bob is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

 

[MarkBC]

A WTW member got his truck stuck in a desolate area. Luckily, a local rancher came to help with his big strong mule named Bob. He hitched Bob up to the truck and yelled, "Pull, Molly, pull!" Bob didn't move. Then the rancher hollered, "Pull, Blacky, pull!" Bob didn't respond. Once more the rancher called out, "Pull, Rocky, pull!" Nothing. Then the rancher calmly said, "Pull, Bob, pull!" The mule easily dragged the truck out of the muck. The WTWer was most appreciative but very curious. He asked the rancher why he called his mule by the wrong name three times. The rancher replied, "Bob is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

Yep, that's just how it happened for me.

 

[billharr]

Will I live to see 80?

My boring ass neighbor who won't STFU about his health recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he told me she said he was doing fairly well for his age.

He seemed a little concerned about that comment.

I asked him why?? (dumb move)

He wondered if that meant he would have a long life.

I said: "Ask her you dillsknob".

So he asked 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' he replied. I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'He said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!

''Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?

''No, I don't,' he said. (I knew it).

She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?

''No,' he said...

He said she then looked at him and said, 'Then, why do you even give a ****?'​

 

[Wandering Sagebrush]

Grandma's Boyfriend...
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma
was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as
my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted..




​

Didn't I see this yesterday? Oh well, memory is the second thing to go. Thank goodness I don't remember the first....

 

[billharr]

Didn't I see this yesterday? Oh well, memory is the second thing to go. Thank goodness I don't remember the first....

I need to take a trip, soon.