I need to hear a good new joke

[ski3pin]

Good one Mr. Tuff!

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy. The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

[SIZE=10pt]The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says “I got a masters degree in[/SIZE] art.”

 

[ski3pin]

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.

 

[ski3pin]

If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?

 

[ski3pin]

I have a buddy who claims he's a second hand vegetarian. He says cows eat grass and he eats cows.

 

[Wandering Sagebrush]

Do you know where cowboys cook their meals?



On the range, of course...

 

[Wandering Sagebrush]

A cowboy sees a guy tying up his horse in front of the saloon and calls, "Hey, are you folks gonna hang someone?"

The guy nods. "Yup. We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry."

The cowboy's brow furrows. "How come he's called Brown Paper Larry?"

"Well," says the guy, "the man always wears clothes made of brown paper. Brown paper shirts. Brown paper pants. Even brown paper socks."

The cowboy ponders this for a moment, then asks, "What are ya hangin' him for?"

"Rustling."

 

[Atlin]

I have a buddy who claims he's a second hand vegetarian. He says cows eat grass and he eats cows.

Yeah, I'm happy to eat processed vegetables.....

 

[cwdtmmrs]

A Roman walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The bartender says, " Do you mean a martini?" The Roman responds, " If I would have wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"

 

[ski3pin]

Catching up with our friends in Montana, I asked about their chickens, They report five went to freezer camp and are resting comfortably.

 

[Casa Escarlata Robles Too]

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a banjo?
A chicken that can pluck itself.
Frank

 

[ski3pin]

Vet to dog owner, "Try not talking to him in that sickening baby voice for a few days and we'll see if the vomiting continues."

 

[craig333]

Lol

 

[DextMorg]

September 15th is national camouflage day.
I hope I don't see anyone celebrating.

 

[JaSAn]

Those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, can you please avoid anything that has Red and Blue flashing lights together? Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my bourbon, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to put my clothes back on.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

 

[craig333]

Which bourbon?

 

[smlobx]

Those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, can you please avoid anything that has Red and Blue flashing lights together? Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my bourbon, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to put my clothes back on.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

Seeing that I live in the Moonshine Capital of the US (Franklin County, VA) your post hits close to home!

 

[ski3pin]

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.
"Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."
"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.
"That one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man.
The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.
"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"

 

[Wandering Sagebrush]

I have been so doggone tired today.

Last night I dreamed of mufflers all night long.

...no wonder I'm exhausted...

 

[ski3pin]

 

[Wandering Sagebrush]

Wow, that was from a few days back.