I need to hear a good new joke
- Thread starter ski3pin
- Start date
BobM
Senior Member
- Joined
- Nov 2, 2011
- Messages
- 730
You know why they say to turn your head and cough? So you dont see them smiling!
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Sent from my SCH-I535 using Wander The West mobile app
OP
OP
A farmer had 5 female pigs.Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart and they agreed to drive thirty miles each where they would find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 am, loaded the pigs into the family minivan, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family minivan again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were now pretty worn out.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the minivan and one of them is honking the horn."
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 am, loaded the pigs into the family minivan, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family minivan again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were now pretty worn out.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the minivan and one of them is honking the horn."
billharr
Senior Member
New addition of Red Necks
New edition of Rednecks
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
31. You stare intently at an orange juice container because it says "Concentrate."
New edition of Rednecks
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
31. You stare intently at an orange juice container because it says "Concentrate."
billharr
Senior Member
Male or Female?
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES:
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS:
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL:
Female obviously.
Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
__________________
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES:
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS:
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL:
Female obviously.
Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
__________________
chnlisle
Post Master
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
OP
OP
...........................wondering if there really is a dog?
BobM
Senior Member
- Joined
- Nov 2, 2011
- Messages
- 730
And why did the dyslexic chicken cross the road? The other side to get.
Sent from my SCH-I535 using Wander The West mobile app
Sent from my SCH-I535 using Wander The West mobile app
ntsqd
Custom User Title
I sometimes suffer from Lexdysia.
chnlisle
Post Master
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
fart with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
fart with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Hey fellow Wanderers, we need your help. We've received some feedback about the joke thread, as well as another thread or two. The site team has discussed the issue, and we feel that we need to be consistent about what is appropriate content.
Before posting a joke, please take a minute to think about whether or not you (or someone else) would want to have to explain to your child or grandchild the meaning of the humor. We realize that the group is predominantly male, but there are others, including kids who are on the forum. If the site team considers something over the edge, we will need to hide it from view.
Please keep your humor family friendly.
Before posting a joke, please take a minute to think about whether or not you (or someone else) would want to have to explain to your child or grandchild the meaning of the humor. We realize that the group is predominantly male, but there are others, including kids who are on the forum. If the site team considers something over the edge, we will need to hide it from view.
Please keep your humor family friendly.
OP
OP
These come from kids, so should make the cut............................................
[SIZE=12pt]Teacher: Johnny, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
Johnny: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
Teacher: No, that's wrong
Johnny: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
Teacher: Sally, what is the chemical formula for water?
Sally: H I J K L M N O.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Sally: Yesterday you said it's H to O.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=12pt]Teacher: Johnny, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
Johnny: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
Teacher: No, that's wrong
Johnny: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
Teacher: Sally, what is the chemical formula for water?
Sally: H I J K L M N O.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Sally: Yesterday you said it's H to O.[/SIZE]
OP
OP
Sunday School Teacher: Now Billy, answer truthfully, do you say prayers before eating?
Billy: No ma'am, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
Billy: No ma'am, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
Groan!!
But I like both of them!
But I like both of them!
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"
PaulT
Need gumbo
Groan
Quantum leaping right out of your shell, are you?
Paul
Quantum leaping right out of your shell, are you?
Paul
K6ON
Old & Soft
[SIZE=17pt]A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=17pt]The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=17pt]"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=17pt]His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=17pt]"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=17pt]The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=17pt]"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=17pt]His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=17pt]"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."[/SIZE]
BobM
Senior Member
- Joined
- Nov 2, 2011
- Messages
- 730
Ive heard the same joke but it was panties
Sent from my SCH-I535 using Wander The West mobile app
Sent from my SCH-I535 using Wander The West mobile app
OP
OP
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?" God asked her.
"Lord," she said, "I know you've created me and you have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" God asked from above.
"I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples," Eve said.
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution," God said. "I shall create a man for you,"
"What's a man?", Eve inquired.
"Man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad is a mate."
"Sounds great," said Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well, he's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick, but you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?" Eve asked.
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
"What's the problem, Eve?" God asked her.
"Lord," she said, "I know you've created me and you have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" God asked from above.
"I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples," Eve said.
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution," God said. "I shall create a man for you,"
"What's a man?", Eve inquired.
"Man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad is a mate."
"Sounds great," said Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well, he's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick, but you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?" Eve asked.
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
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