Maybe it's one of the "self driving Ubers"craig333 said:
Frank
I need to hear a good new joke
- Thread starter ski3pin
- Start date
Frank
Tuff Guy 62
Senior Member
Three snowboarders are riding in the backseat of a car. Who is driving?
The police.
The police.
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To take this to its conclusion -Tuff Guy 62 said:
What do you call a snowboarder wearing a three piece suit? The Defendant.
Tuff Guy 62
Senior Member
Sure enough, but then......ski3pin said:
What's the difference between God and a Ski Schooler?
God doesn't think he's a Ski Schooler.
So a piece of string walks into a bar... goes up to the bar and says "gimme a shot and beer". The bartender closes one eye and looks at him with the other and says, "you're a piece of string... I can't serve you nothin... now get gotta here!"... Well the piece of string felt terrible... he shuffles off and goes home...man is he depressed for a whole week... but finally he pulls himself up and says to himself "i really want that shot and a beer and gol-dern-it... I'm gonna git it!" ... so he has a plan.... he twists himself all up to look bigger and looks in the mirror... nope not enough... so he gets his comb and teases his top up into a big frizz... much better and so off he goes back to the bar.
He opens the door saunters right in and says loud and clear "gimme a shot and a beer!".............well that bartender looks at him real close and says....."hey.... aren't you that piece of string?"
He replies... "no... I'm a frayed knot"
He opens the door saunters right in and says loud and clear "gimme a shot and a beer!".............well that bartender looks at him real close and says....."hey.... aren't you that piece of string?"
He replies... "no... I'm a frayed knot"
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I like that one.
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Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son is a blonde Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"Are they adopted?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"Are they adopted?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
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This one does not fit as "a good joke" so be forewarned.
A woman was being arraigned before a judge on charges for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge looked up after reading the report before him and asked, "First offender?"
"No, your honor," the Prosecution quickly answered. "First she used a Gibson and then switched to a Fender."
A woman was being arraigned before a judge on charges for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge looked up after reading the report before him and asked, "First offender?"
"No, your honor," the Prosecution quickly answered. "First she used a Gibson and then switched to a Fender."
Foy
Resident Geologist
What does a tornado have in common with a West Virginia divorce?
They both mean somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.
They both mean somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.
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My apologies. I take the blame. Christmas is cancelled. I told Santa I have been good and he died laughing.
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A helpless male man shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
“No!” he shouts, “This is her husband!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
“No!” he shouts, “This is her husband!”
Grand Whazoo
Court Jester
Oh my gosh, I just discovered this excellent thread, I have never seen so many good jokes in one place.
In the meantime I was reading the news the other day and stumbled on an article about Lorena Bobbit's sister. We all remember Lorena Bobbit right? She did the unthinkable and cut her husbands manhood clean off. Well it seems her sister just tried to do the same thing to her husband but missed and stabbed him in the groin with a pair of scissors. She was charged with a misdeweiner.
In the meantime I was reading the news the other day and stumbled on an article about Lorena Bobbit's sister. We all remember Lorena Bobbit right? She did the unthinkable and cut her husbands manhood clean off. Well it seems her sister just tried to do the same thing to her husband but missed and stabbed him in the groin with a pair of scissors. She was charged with a misdeweiner.
Well now, a man and his wife were sitting at the kitchen table going over their finances... she said "we're just going to have e to cut back on some of the amenities... I think that you should cut back on beer". ...which reluctantly he agreed to. A few days later he noticed the shopping bags on the table and there were a number of makeup items in the bag. That night he decided to bring it up. "Hey honey I cut out the beer but I couldn't help but notice all that makeup you bought.... seems unfair". She said "but honey that's so I can make myself pretty for you".............. and he said "well, that's what the beer's for".......... never saw the plate fly!
Time is like a river.
You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the South West of Western Australia.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods of the South West, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the South West of Western Australia.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods of the South West, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
ntsqd
Custom User Title
A farmer has 895 goats. Realizing that this is quite a lot of goats for one farm, and his only dog is getting old, he decides he'll probably need a whole team of dogs to round so many goats up.
So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help.
"Why yes," says the farmer. I need a team of dogs to help round up my herd. I have a rather large number of goats, and I don't think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many."
The shopkeeper says, "I've got just the thing for you." and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single dog sits waiting.
"Are you sure?" asks the farmer, "I have very many goats and I don't think one dog will be able to round all of them up."
"I'm sure." says the shopkeeper, "This is a very intelligent dog. He's been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I've ever seen."
"Yes," says the dog, "I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering." The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog - who wouldn't be impressed by that? - decides to take him home.
That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire herd covering the field. "Well," says the farmer, "I'd like you to round up all of these goats."
"Okay." replies the dog, "You have nine hundred goats."
So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help.
"Why yes," says the farmer. I need a team of dogs to help round up my herd. I have a rather large number of goats, and I don't think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many."
The shopkeeper says, "I've got just the thing for you." and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single dog sits waiting.
"Are you sure?" asks the farmer, "I have very many goats and I don't think one dog will be able to round all of them up."
"I'm sure." says the shopkeeper, "This is a very intelligent dog. He's been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I've ever seen."
"Yes," says the dog, "I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering." The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog - who wouldn't be impressed by that? - decides to take him home.
That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire herd covering the field. "Well," says the farmer, "I'd like you to round up all of these goats."
"Okay." replies the dog, "You have nine hundred goats."
Okay then ..use your best Scottish accent for this.
A great burly lad on his way home from a fine session ... was feeling like he may have overdone it... he weaved his way to the side of the road and sat down at the base of a tree, just for a wee nap to settle things out...and there he fell asleep. Not long after 2 young maids happened down the road and spied the young man asleep by the tree. One says to the other, "I've always wondered what was beneath those kilts" and the other saids, "Well go on then have a look"... and indeed she did... lifting his kilt she gasped ...then smiled... she pulled a blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around him.... and off they went their way.
In awhile the lad awakens ...still in a slight fog ... and seems to feel a bit constrained below.... he lifts his kilt and says, "well, I don't know where ya've been...and I don't know what've done.... but I am proud to see you've won first prize!"
A great burly lad on his way home from a fine session ... was feeling like he may have overdone it... he weaved his way to the side of the road and sat down at the base of a tree, just for a wee nap to settle things out...and there he fell asleep. Not long after 2 young maids happened down the road and spied the young man asleep by the tree. One says to the other, "I've always wondered what was beneath those kilts" and the other saids, "Well go on then have a look"... and indeed she did... lifting his kilt she gasped ...then smiled... she pulled a blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around him.... and off they went their way.
In awhile the lad awakens ...still in a slight fog ... and seems to feel a bit constrained below.... he lifts his kilt and says, "well, I don't know where ya've been...and I don't know what've done.... but I am proud to see you've won first prize!"
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Myself, I can't remember my first hearing the tale, but I'll agree, one of my favorites.Bad Habit said:First time I heard that story was in a small little dive bar in Durango, CO many, many years ago. Always one of my favorites
Bryan Bowers, a person who plays the Autopartsski3pin said:
(Autoharp) recorded it. 
Yeah, I've heard it as a song, too.Wandering Sagebrush said:Bryan Bowers, a person who plays the Autoparts
